INSTINCT

This is a view of life, and how it takes a soul from someone.

She walks in to the room and she makes the world wonder what it has missed. They lose interest in life and become wrapped in the essence whirling like incense. Who is this girl and how could it be that I can get nearer. The traction is of utmost attractions. No one ever knew life could have existed without her in it. She must be God. We are the living. But she is our master.

 

When we begin to realize life hasn’t stopped and time exists, we become one with ourselves again. Lifted from the spirits of the eternal we can again resume our lives. None of us want to continue without her in our life. How can we live knowing that she isn’t a part of our daily. How lucky the souls that have her in their timeline. She stirs the crowd as she walks past. People look down. They are not worthy. This is true Divine in her presence. Never have they witnessed such a spectacle. Lucky is the feeling. Overwhelmed is their look. And, uncertainty is their life. They are forever changed.

 

I live in a life that is cut off to most, but a fact remains that it has become too big for me to carry anymore. I have a belief that there is two to do this. I can’t do anything but be overwhelmed in the face when she looks at me. I am not a person that should be able to touch her skin or feel her gaze. She looks at me and I can’t remember life being so perfect. She looks away and I can breathe again. What if she never stopped looking at me? I would die for sure. Medusa in the flesh. Turning souls to stone. Athena in her grace. A Monroe of an impact. An instant memory of time.

 

Greater beings venture here to this time from a distance in space, just to be around her during the time she is present. Each hoping for the sight of this beauty that unravels time and space. Something so magnificent they risk the secrets of space, not yet given or achieved by man, to be close to this goddess, blessed to this earth, by the creator from above. He alone created her from his most precious elements he collects.

 

Finally he lets her free again. An adventure for those watching to find her in the fabrics of time and space. For many it is their life goal to be here, all the times she is here. He brings her out when he needs to feel hope. In the times that he wants to protect this world from the destruction he craves. So he puts her here so that he won’t destroy us all, because he would never do that to a world with her in it. She has saved us all from the fate he wants us to receive. We owe her our lives. We pray to him for someone like her, yet none know of her existence. Those of us that have seen her know it is true. God sent us a savior. He saves her to save us. Godly!

 

She makes me want to be the one to grace her eyes. They are so piercing that I feel her shoot me every time she looks my way. My souls has many holes in it. She hits me like an AK point blank. Ripped to shreds with her sight I feel severed from life. I’m hooked like Jesus to the cross. I can never do anything else but give her my life. I have found the meaning of my life. My meaning is to serve her. I am at her service. I am her servant. She owns me.

 

As I try to gather my thoughts I can’t begin to fathom what my life would be like without having had her in it. The moment I met her I knew this was it for me. I have no more purpose. This is my destiny and I will give my life to her. My soul is hers, and she can do with it as she pleases. I no longer have any meaning. She has overwritten my hard drive and I am corrupt. She must fix me. She can do it however she pleases. I will never question my existence to this life now that I have been in the presence of an eternal soul. She is so Divine. Please God. Be mine.

 

I look for a piece of me that she hasn’t touched. I can’t find one. Everything she touches she owns. I guess she owns me. I give myself gladly. How can I put in to words how I feel if I speak to her. How can I be graced to speak of her. Being allowed to say her name with my mouth. I am lucky to not lose my life with the thought of her in it. God watches what I think. I disgrace his most perfect creation I shall have this life no longer. She puts wondrous worrisome thoughts in my head about what to expect, and makes scared to the feeling of loss at the most greatest exponential magnitude. A life ending event if I were to lose what I cherish so greatly. I have purpose. And that purpose is to her. My purpose is to fuel her purpose. My life is to feed her life. My soul is to extend her soul. I am relieved to know why I am here. I have been lost for so long. But now I am found. I know what to do. I love her so greatly I can’t measure it with my lifeline. But I will give it to her because that is the greatest thing I can give. The fabric I am wrapped in to stay warm on a cold night is only so that she can have it when there is no temperature. My bodies heat is to warm her. I have one mission. Make sure she survives. At all cost. I am her protector. I will give my life for her. I WILL GIVE MY LIFE FOR HER. My life is hers. God put me here to give her my life. I will give her my life. Its hers!

 

I haven’t many fears. I am afraid of things that aren’t most’s fears. I fear the things that people take for granted in life. I fear losing something I believe in so firmly that it is what I built my soul around. I have put my life around one thing. To not give everything to achieve it isn’t something I am made from. I go hard at what I hold to my core. I have formed this body around this thought, and I will not stop making it better. I have torn my body to pieces just to put it back together again. I try to put it together better each time I do it. My mind has suffered the consequences of my actions. I cannot forget the things I’ve done, and I feel ashamed in my life. I do not deserve something so perfect because I am not. I have built myself from the ground up, he has built me from the ground up, just for this task. This oath. This promise that I have made cannot be broken. It is written with my blood.

 

I signed my life away and I cannot get it back. I will not fail. Yet I’ve come so close. I will never forgive myself if I lose the hope I have for this life. I will never get anymore hope in this life. I will forever be hopeless if I fail. Failure is not an option. I know what I want and I am willing to do everything to achieve it. This is not a prize to be won, this is a promise to be made. A commitment so strong that my soul is tied to the fine details in the contracted document. The deal with the devil. The deal with God. If I lose, I lose my life. I lose my memories. I lose the chance at another life. I will never reach a reincarnated state. I have no more chances or opportunities to think about it, I made my decision. I signed in a bloody handprint. Lashings and broken bones I fought for this chance at life. I took on this world for this reason. I fought the war in the other realm to be here at this point in time, to be here with her. So many I had to defeat. So many live I took to be here. I’d take them again. I don’t need my life if I don’t get this life with her. I have nothing else to do but give mine to her.

 

I feel weird as I look back at what we have done. I feel shocked at the fact we are still here together. I feel like I have given many lifetimes in the ever-after to be mortal once more. To be her for my last lifeline. I cashed in eternity for this opportunity. I feel like the champion of a gauntlet, so bloody that it held One victorious. How many lives did I have to take? How can I be a good person to have done so? Maybe I was taken in my past lives to soon and never had the chance to live a full life. Maybe this is my chance of a full life without it being taken from me in the past. I don’t feel like I’ve ever lived before, and I feel I have lived more than once before. What had happened to me back then? Why was I not able to survive? I am a survivor, but maybe I didn’t, ever. What mistake did I make? What sin did I possess to be condemned to an eternity of death. Did I right my wrongs? I must have to be given this chance. This is a chance of many lifetimes. Maybe she is the one I committed the sins for. Maybe I did them knowing that I must for her to continue. I would make that decision infinitely.

 

What a wonder this life is with all these big thoughts. I feel small in comparison to how I feel. I don’t know how to take it all. I don’t know how to feel about it. Why me? What did I do to deserve her? What did I do to be so lucky? She is perfect! If anyone says different, I will take their tongue. They will speak not. Maybe that is how I ended up fighting throughout history to survive. I can only imagine how terrible my past lives must have been without no law. What they must have done to people without punishment is unsettling. I can’t even imagine. Yet I can absolutely imagine. I wonder if this isn’t our first timeline together, her and I. I wonder if we have had many timelines together. She is the reason I don’t feel like I ever survived. I know I would never let her life come before my own. I know that I would never rest until this world was safe for her. I must have spent my entire lives protecting this goddess that took human form. I must be her protector. I can see that being true when I look into my own character. I know this is what I would do every single time. I have no doubts. I’ve probably died for her endlessly. I feel so good in that thought. That thought makes me feel so good. I’m crazy. I am absolutely crazy. Babe, I’m sorry. I’m crazy. I haven’t even broken my surface to you. Wait until you dive in. I am so loyal it is to a fault. It is my demise. If I can’t keep my loyalty alive and breathing, I die. I’m sorry if I scare you now. I don’t want to. I don’t know what you think. I’m raw, but I’m gentle. But I want to be, I have to. I am the dog at your fence protecting you from anything coming in. It’s my life purpose. It is my number one passion. It is my existence.

 

I don’t know what you are going to be thinking by now. I have lost myself to my thoughts and I am sorry for that. I don’t know how to tame them when I am in them. You have scripted my mind in your decision. I am going to give you my all, and that means that I will deal with what you think of me. I am going to give you what you want one hundred percent. You get to decide what you think of me. But I will not hide it from you. It is yours. I give you what you want, even if it isn’t going to be in the best interest for me. I will not give you anything less then everything. And this is just a surface scratched. You are seeing the ripples you created. Decide how you feel about it. I will deal with your decision of me. I want you to know that I care for you, and you push me to better. God willing.

 

Author's Note

I have spent few sessions reviewing this, but it was from a free write a few years ago, it was all one "Go." This is what was scraped from my scalp and scribed in a scrap.