Surprise on Starry Edge

Ending to a story for a contest held by Writerme

                                Before her eyes laid a beauty, so awe-inspiring. Eric had been right, this was beautiful. It was the stars. "Do you like it?" Eric intervened her trance of the unknown sky."Tonight is a meteor shower" he said with a sincere laugh. Seconds, then minutes passed as they watched the miracle happen before their wide, unblinking eyes. Where they lived a lot of street lights outshone the star, but here... on this secluded mountain, she could see all the bright stars in the sky, the meteors only adding on to the beauty of it all. Feeling the warmth of Eric's hand on hers she looked over. Into his deep turquoise eyes, his matted hair partially covering them. "This is wonderful" Kayla whispered,"thank you Eric." "No problem" he grinned. "I told you you'd love it." Slowly, he started to lean in. Feeling his nose brush against hers, she closed her eyes, allowing their trembling lips to touch. A couple moments later she whispered "wait, my party." "Oh yeah" Eric laughed. "I'll take you back" he softly whispered, still shaken from their kissing. Hand in hand they slowly made their way down the rough terrain and back to her house. Never in a million years did she think that her and Eric would end up a couple. After tonight, she thought, anything is possible.Reaching her tan house they were greeted by a woman reaching her late forties. Shaking her head Kayla's mother said "You're late to your own party young lady, come inside." Looking Eric up and down she laughed "I should have known you would have made her late." Walking in, make-up less, late and dirty, non of it mattered. She saw one of the most incredible things in her life and had certainly fell in love with Eric. Tonight is the best birthday, wait ,no, best day of her life she thought, entering her party with a glittering smile that imitated the stars.

Author's Note

Inspired by past experiences with some ex-gfs.

Reviews

[GoodIntentiionz]

Good story, but some commas could be used in the last sentence there.
You said:

"Tonight is the best birthday, wait no best day of her life she thought entering her..."

It should possibly be:

"Tonight is the best birthday, wait, no, best day of her life, she thought, entering her..."

At the end of the quote, if you put "as she entered", there would be no reason for a comma.
But, hey, what am I going on about some simple commas? Good job.

[WriterMe]

Haha I loved it.
Thank you so much for entering my contest.
I hope you win because this certainly made a wonderful ending =]