Delilah

This short story was based on Beauty Evermore, I wanted to write more about it, since alot of people seemed to like Beauty Evermore. It hit me when I was falling asleep so I had to write it. Enjoy one of my first short stories :)

                                The room was silent as he twitted with her golden, curly hair between his fingers. What beauty lies before him. Her large blue eyes told a story, a life of a quiet girl, loud in her own aspect, just trying to live her life the best way she knew how. Her fair skin so soft, and so smooth. How he used to watch her, and lust for her, and have grand delusions of their future together. Alas, that is no more, as he realized this nasty outcome murdered his dreams of being with her, a tear leapt his expressionless face. How foolish he've been, to believe such lies. He saw his reflection in the blood, his soft straw colored hair all matted and dirty, his face smeared with her blood, and what seemed to be a trail from his eye to the bottom of his cheek. Suddenly realizing, this meant his doom, his final hours with his now, deceased love. They'll prosecute him, put him in jail for life or sentence him to death. Dread filled his heart and twisted mind, why should I live he thought; I killed an angel, a muse, a wonder of nature... I shouldn't be allowed to live! For what I have done is an atrocity! He quickly began to pace back and forth, thinking, scheming to get out of this mess. So many thoughts rushed through his head like salmon upstream. He got it! "I'll bleach the area, dump her body in a near by lake and flee to Mexico, take a plane to some foreign land and live my life alone. Voices started intervening, "it's not that easy and you know it" all of them talking with an omnious presence."You should turn yourself in" one said with a rather hoarse voice. Another whispered "no, no, run, hide, dispose of the evidence, act natural." Each voice contradicted the other, he couldn't take enough, "ENOUGH!!" he shouted punching the wall, leaving a dirty fist print. Then a melodic voice chimed in "you'll be fine, just fine, just like the others, just like the last few times..." Struck with old memories he collapsed to the floor, awestruck. Remembering all his loves or all his victims. He knew then what to do. He crawled to to the kitchen, found the sharpest knife he could find, slicing one wrist, then then the other. Silently he fell to the floor, weezing. He began to write on the walls, the names of his victims, and sorry after every name, every life he stole from the world, sobbing as he wrote each name. With every wretched scream from the personas banging in his skull, his eyes blinked, "this was the end...". No more victims, no more victims... but me.

                        The next day the police arrived. The apartment was small, but homley thought a police officer as he looked around viewing her small living space. As he walked to the kitchen he saw a long line of blood, and a small... "what is that?", smudge mark on the wall... Now he saw the kitchen where the murderer wrote in blood a letter of redemption, pleading to be forgiven for the recent sins that took place in this very home.The police officer walked back shaking his head... "what a beautiful thing she was, what a shame" said the slightly pudgy police officer with his thick bristly moustache. "The same killer must have escaped, all we found was her blood on the walls with the words sorry behind them and names of past victims, its got to be the same killer" said a Forsensic scientist."Must have been a real crazy nut this time" whispered a near by officer. Inspecting the names written, all smeared and crudely written, one particular name caught his eye. The name Delilah was written over and over, "I think we just identified the vic" shouted the pudgy police officer. "Whats her name?" shouted the curious police officer. "Delilah" he whispered to himself.

Author's Note

I am open for constructive criticism.

Reviews

[WriterMe]

Oh this was very good. Very descriptive, very powerful, impact emotions. No correction here, but one suggestion- some one told me I have the same problem too.
Your commas are in places where they shouldn't be. They wont give the sentence better meaning but It will make it hard for the reader (me) to read. =] So try reading it out loud.
Great work =]

[nostal]

Very descriptive, perfectly written and massively intrigueing. Love the whole story and the ending. Good job.

[Camille K.]

although i would of writen the sentence: ...he fell to the floor, weezing. i would say: he fell, to the floor, gasping for breath, with every passing moment, he felt his strength weekening, his blood blotted out every other color, his breath came in gasps. "Quickly," "I must do what i must before it is too late, i can not hold on much longer" he felt his head was swimming and he felt the loss of his blood. his lips where parched and he could smell his blood...

or wait, now that i read it again, was it HER rist that he sliced or his own? can you make it a bit clearer perhaps over there.
also: The apartment was small, but homey thought.... but homley with an "l" you mean right?
otherwise nice.
good job.

[Camille K.]

It's great! I really like it. i have resently also been writing crazy bloody stuff, and this ones reall good! keep up the good work nick! :-)

[Avoiry]

Yea to me that sounds better as its more of a movement then a and then kinda moment . Only thing i think you missed is "all we found are her blood on the walls" i think it was just a type error. Good work

[Avoiry]

I like this definitely one that has a chance at the finals. The only thing i would say is the exit introduction falls a little flat to me. Your beginning and body were so vivid and carefully worded it almost felt a little off tone wise. I understand the frantic nature of the beginning but it almost seemed prose like and then the end transitions to a story like phrase i guess in short maybe consider a change in word arrangement . This is a truly beautiful piece even with that though. Take care and keep writing.