Little Boy, Lost

Seems that I couldn't start healing until I started writing about my experiences. . . for me to write, I can't hold back. These are things that I think a great deal of people are still going through, yet still, readers be advised this poem is graphic in

Sadly,
Silently while you slept,
The man you called your boyfriend
Crept...
In the darkness of our home
And into the bedroom
Where I slept...
Alone.

 

Under the threat that you'd
Hate me, and bodily harm
He ensured that he could always
Return...
To the room where I
Slept,
And night after night he
Crept
And because of this
I've been so...
Alone.

 

So many nights I'd pretend I was
Asleep,
Praying he wouldn't enter;
But the floorboards would creak,
And the warning they'd speak
Is that I'd be living my nightmare
Again and again and again...

 

I'd hold my breath and I'd keep
Very still,
So that he wouldn't violate me
Against my will,
And maybe, just maybe
He'd just go away...

 

Little Boy, Lost
In vain I would pray...

 

He'd pry back the sheets
That I'd hold so tight,
And pull me close to him
With all of his might.
'You'd better not cry...'
is what he would say,
I tried not to cry
And I'd wish him away.
But a slap in the face
Is what I would get
For not 'loving' him back;
My reality check...

 

'But I'm only a boy...'
I can hear myself say...
Little Boy, Lost
In pain I would pray...

 

He'd pull my head to his chest
And say 'Kiss my breast'
And squeeze my neck very hard
To put me at rest.
Holding my 'boyhood' in the palm of
His hand,
He'd squeeze so tight
That I still weep as a man.
Pain would resonate through my
Body although I begged him to
'Stop! '

 

He'd just cover my mouth and pull me
On top.

 

I cry still today from this
Humiliation and pain,
Begging and pleading
And weeping in vain...

 

I thank God I was 6
And too little to enter;
He'd spew, 'Push you little B*tch! '
But he never could enter.

 

Little Boy, Lost
Crying in pain...
Living out this nightmare
Again and again...

 

'Get on your knees
and open your mouth'... 'What? '
Twisting my arm, he would force me
'...Now open your mouth! '

 

I'd clinch my teeth to my lips
So hard they would bleed
And cry kneeling before him
But through my tears
I could see-
The anger building in his eyes
As he lost his patience,
And he picked me up by my neck,
To kill my resistance.

 

Forcing me down on my knees
With himself in his hand
'Now suck! ' he would say to me
As I tried to withstand-
The onslaught of this unwanted
Sexual assault...
As a man, I tell the boy in me,
'It wasn't your fault'

 

Little Boy, Lost
His childhood...denied...
Always smiling and laughing,
But dying inside...

 

Looking up at this man
Who I hated and feared
I learned to vomit at will,
Rather than give him oral pleasure,
And he'd smack me to the floor
And leave closing my door...

 

In the middle of the floor
Curled up in a ball
I'd cry my heart out
And ask again and again 'Why? '
What pleasure was there in hurting
One so very small? ...

 

Little Boy, Lost
In a sea of despair,
Drowning in sorrow,
Can't come up for air.
Mother and sisters unaware
That he suffered,
No comfort ever came
And his pain was not buffered.

 

No one knows still today
I fear they won't understand
How a child's pain can hurt
And destroy him as a man.

 

Little Boy, Lost
This is the price that I pay;
Weeping without reason
To some it may seem,
But for me it's never waking
From a heart wrenching dream...

 

But this is my nightmare...
My innocence...lost...
Forever uncertain...
So heavy the cost.

 

Little Boy in my mind, For my mind is the mirror,
Little Boy in my heart, his eyes filled with terror,
Little Boy inside of me
Overwhelmed by his loss...

 

Please don't cry Little Boy...

 

Little Boy, Lost...

 

B: Nathaniel A. Booker, Sr.
'Genius under Construction'

© Nathaniel Booker

Reviews

[Kenny L. Mitchell]

THIS IS TRULY DEEP. I can actually see scar tissues. I am truly speechless and astounded.

[Stacey Watts]

Terrifying piece Nate, So much horror and it just makes me run cold. I literally have tears. I am speechless and for once do not know really what to say.