Lilianna

My attempt at a short poem about a Vampire Seductress

I noticed her one velvety black night
While looking through the branches
Skin glowing and wings of feathers like a crow

She was cloaked in moon light
They followed her as if they were in trances
Bodies moving and swaying while darkness began to grow

I tried so hard to fight
Not wanting to take any chances
Then so softly and sweetly my blood began to flow

She drew me in and obtained me with just one bite

Author's Note

I am not good with grammar so any help would be appreciated! Please review and let me know what I need to work on. Thanks!

Reviews

[Wonderful Letdown]

Okay, first of all. PLEASE change the colour of the font, it's hard on the eyes ( and in the future, please choose colours that are easier on the eyes. Generally light/neon/pastel colours are bad on the eyes) (and yes I spell some words differently, that's just how we spell them in Canada).

I also noticed a few spelling errors/clumsy wording.

You have:
"Skin glowing and wings of feathers like a crow"

Instead try:
"Skin glowing and feathered wings like a crow"

OR:
"Skin glowing and feathered wings like that of a crow"

And in the line after that, the words "moon light" is actually one word. So it should look like:
"She was cloaked in moonlight"

Also the line after that was a wee bit clumsy, you have:
"They followed her as if they were in trances"

Instead, TRY:
"They followed her as if in a trance"

Those are just a few recommendations.

Now onto what I like. Well, I love the imagery you use. It's all very beautiful and ethereal. I can get a clear image in my mind. If you ever feel like adding more description and imagery to this, that would be REALLY awesome. Good use of stanza's. I really like your writing style.

Keep up the good work!!