Dear Mom

Dear Mom;



It is two days before Christmas and this is my gift to you. Although you are far away and I have been filled with concern that I will not be able to speak to you again, I will try my best to show my love.



I am sorry that I was not there to answer your call; I still have yet to forgive myself for that. I am sorry that I didn't take the time to visit you more often to show you how much I appreciated your love and kindness. Now, I wish I had because I realize you were the only one to ever provide it. It breaks my heart every single day to know this.  I am sorry that I feared your illness as much as I did; I know it was not your fault. But by not being there and not coming around, I proved nothing to you other than the belief that it was indeed something in which you could take blame. I am so very sorry.



I did not just write this to apologize to you; I wrote this to thank you. Thank you for all you provided for me. Love, kindness, affection, patience, trust, understanding, and care. Even with your Schizophrenia, you were able to be a wonderful mother. You spoiled me in ways that a loving parent would; providing me with the vision of what a real childhood was like. But do not worry, it did not destroy me. It did not make me into this rotten being that believes that everything will come that easily. It helped me to understand that even with the strife dealt with, there is always someone who cares enough to bring a little bit of happiness to life; whether it be love or materialistic ideals.



There are some memories I remember specifically that I would like to share with you. Ones that I hope you carried to the grave, because they are good ones. One memory that jumps to mind are the many times you would take me to the movies. We would always go to Movies 8 in Indianapolis and watch whatever was there. I always loved those times.



I also remember the times I used to beg you to take me swimming. I remember one time how good of a mother you were to take me, even though I was being a brat and not understanding that you were sick. You took me anyway and you did vomit. I felt terrible and did not know what to do with myself. I thank you for loving and caring so much that you would risk something like that just to make me happy. It goes to show you were a mother of unconditional love.



Another time I remember was sitting at grandma's playing Scrabble. You would always let me cheat and win, and I still remember to this day the laughter that filled the room as I would mess up the board so you could not beat me.



Mom, I thank you for all that you have done for me. If you ever feared that you were not good enough, I hope that now you understand you were good enough and more. I was young and naive and I did not quite know how to show it to you, but you were. I thank you for everything and most of all I want you to know and remember...





I love you and I always will.



Love always and forever (up until the day I die),

Your one and only daughter, Dawn.