OCTOBER

Draped in whites, and plastics, under fluorescent light the body’s lay in the gestural positions of tragic church paintings. It felt like he was interrupting something: they were all so untouched and unseen. He dramatically turned around with a purposeful naïve look “I don’t recognize anyone.”

I responded with a grim smile, “Just look for 76.”

He scooted through the rows sideways with his hands up as if they were covered in frosting. “This one has nice feet…” Loren thought aloud as he scanned the tag attached to a pair of pedicured feet on one of the limp figures.

“Moving on…”

“Hey why don’t you help me? Now there’s a thought.”

“Not interested in any thoughts that have nothing to do with 76.”

“You cold and reasonable little scientist. I’m sure your Mom’s proud.” He scooted past a rather chubby body, and made his way over to the next.

I scoffed “Oh no.”

“Oh yes!” He raised a foot triumphantly into the air. “Mr. Seventy Six, it is a pleasure to acquaint myself with your thoroughly sanitized foot.”

“I’m quoting you on that.”

“I could understand.”

I rolled my eyes “Let’s get out of here.”

Reviews

[S. D. Forogar]

I must unfortunately mention that, as there is very little content herein, I cannot give any but my most basic review, but I will see what I can do with my Good and my Bad!

The GOOD: I do like the simple yet eloquent terminology, and am interested in discovering just why it is that these two are capable of such calm conduct around the dead. I am sure the latter will be cleared up in the future, however, and so I await it.

The BAD: As mentioned, the low level of material here is far too crippling to this piece to provide it with a good 'hook' for an audience. I would recommend adding a bit more to it (such as some vivid imagery regarding the scene of bodies, or else describing how Loren's mind reacts to the sight).

Also, I was neither a fan of the dialogue, nor hateful of it, but as this is a central portion of the content present I would say that neutrality to it should fit into the "Bad" category. It's not particularly bad, in-and-of itself, but this cold discussion simply doesn't add any emotion to the piece, crippling the "power" of the whole piece. No power can come from the imagery, as there is little present, and so the dialogue was to be the "saving grace," so to speak, for this element. As such, it falls short. Once more, vivid detail might carry this element and allow this piece to continue with its dialogue as-is.

For now, really, that's all I can say on the matter. I await it in a fuller version, but for now I simply cannot add to my review. For that, I do apologize, and if I was at any point unclear I implore the author to message me in a PM. I am interested in this story, in part because I've merely analyzed the concept of "icing on the proverbial cake," and would enjoy seeing more uploaded.