When First you Held Me

another one XD I'm on a roll- I actually like this one though

When first you held me
All was clear.
The air was still
And hope was near.

Though my eyes
Were dry throughout,
My stuttering heart
Was not without -

A boost of some
Chemical strange
Some kind of comfort
That you gave.

The world was gone.
Scars disappeared,
And all there was
Was lying here.

Author's Note

oh love.... I think I've got too much.

Reviews

[Ron Hogan]

From a technical standpoint, I like it. You keep a good rhythm throughout as well as a rhyming scheme-- all except for the third stanza, where the rhythm mildly breaks, and the rhyme doesn't hold up. All in all, pretty good. Just work on keeping the rhythm and the rhyme scheme going after you establish it and you'll be ace.

[anml]

the third stanza is where it shows you had a bit of difficulty writing it, or at least difficulty in keeping on-topic while rhyming. it can be difficult. I like it, though. nice job :)

as for meter/rhythm, try counting out the beats as you write it. there's no thing quite like revision. eventually you'll get it. I find some of my best breakthroughs are when I keep re-writing it and over-analyzing it, and then I finally get it. and it works! patience and revision is the craft to apply in writing.

[Mark]

Aimee! How wonderful to see you back! Nothing like love to snatch away Yer Bloue, eh? I'm very happy for you, as you are among my favorite young poets on this site, and this poem clearly shows why. Straightforward, clear, unambiguous expression of what's in your heart, Keep up the good work, and the newly-found good attitude as well! Mark

[lorynrrr]

wow thats really good i don't know who you are but god gave you a talent and you do it pretty good so keep on writing ok dont let anyone tell you that thats bad or stupid because there just jealous