Love, Alcohol, and Childhood trauma

My heart weighs heavy

tipping this scale so far

until I hit the ground

so unsure if it's the alcohol

or these feelings

that keep me so far down

I just want to breathe 

and I want to hold you

but I don't know what that means

I compartmentalize my feelings so much

all tucked sweetly away in the empty crawl spaces

until I look in the mirror and don't know who I see

I want to feel something

anything but this sadness leaking out

of all the holes in all the closed doors

my mind is a maze without a  map

even though I've created it myself

I still don't know the ceilings from the floors

How can I look at your face and not hear her words?

"just stop hurting people" she says

Trust me baby all I do is try

I try so hard to not leave scars on these beautiful souls

my instinct is to help the broken

though as soon as I'm ready to leave they're 

Babe I promise that I see you

I haven't known you long but that's never been the issue

the problem is that I can't see myself

I'll feel this love for someone one minute 

and the next I could ice them out for days at a time

left to wonder if it's actually me or just the liquor off the shelf

I don't believe in god but I'm praying now

begging someone to help salvage this broken soul

yet I'm still surrounded by silence

In this life you have to save yourself

but we all need help sometimes

and too much pressure leads to self-directed violence

I'm trying so hard

I just want to be okay

I just want to be free

Then I get nights like these

choking on this random sadness

left to question if this life is really for me

But I'm trying

and I'm growing

and this will pass one day

I just hope until then

you love me enough

to want to stay.

Reviews

[Chris]

Morgan - Nice handle...

For some this has been an "interesting" year - in the full sense of that ancient curse. Without "knowing" the backstory it is easy to assume the types of mental acuity that lead to depression, anxiety, PTSD and other labels so casually assigned to others by others. Recognizing our own weaknesses takes effort. I found your views and style worth the hearing. The flow was a little "broken" - likely a transcription error. The site software has been known to drop a line and to add characters in place of what was intended - upon pressing the Publish tab. I suggest to all new authors that they review the posts after they publish them... and edit as necessary.

Nice "hearing" you.

[genocide]

very painful very tragic but very true about love and the alcohol and wanting her lover to stay