Melancholic longing for your identity

Something I wrote sorta resembling a poem about feeling empty and having a mental illness that is stronger than who you truly are, its a constant battle for reality.

As I wake up and get out of bed

I notice my mood is saudade

That's how my days normally start and end

I step outside and feel the cool prevailing air on my face

I close my eyes and feel myself become enveloped

from the comfort of the cool air

I open my eyes and see her standing across the street

She to looks enveloped by the cool air

My days start and end with seeing her

accompanied by lingering feelings of emptiness

As my incontrovertible and unrelenting mood changes

from saudade to ambivalent 

I only have my paranoid thoughts to blame

I need to breathe

I step outside only to see her standing in front of me

She no longer looked comforted like she did this morning

she looked sad and scared

I was reluctant to try and console her because every time I do

she never speaks

Its as if she's not really there

I leave her alone and go back inside

The day is almost over and I always feel irritated and angry

from the daily stresses I struggle to handle

As I pull into my driveway there she is again

sitting on the sidewalk in the spotlight from the street lamp

just like a loyal dog awaiting the return of it's owner

I decide to try and talk to her

I go over to the sidewalk and sit down

as I begin to speak 

it's almost as if I hear the echo's of my voice coming from her mouth

she's never spoken an actual word to me before

but for some reason I feel in some way she has

As we talk about the brief but very often times we see each other

it feels as if all of these years of seeing one another

we've been looking at a mirror

no.. not at it

through it

The more I thought about it

 I realized that every time I recalled seeing her

she was either mimicking the mood I was in

or in the complete opposite mood

As we were sitting on the sidewalk

under the spotlight from the street lamp

she spoke to me without saying any words

it was almost like the way I heard the echoes of my voice

coming out of her mouth earlier

She's been the reflection of me she's my inner child

that's why she appears when my uncontrollable moods change so rapidly

that I get confused

I step out of the body I've lost control over

physically my body remains

mentally I step out of it and watch myself from across the street

where she normally stands

But only she's nowhere to be seen

she's simply gone

she has completely vanished

As I wake up the next day and get out of bed

I notice that my mood is saudade

that's normally how my days start and end

I step outside expecting to see her

but she's not there

The overwhelming feelings of confusion and emotional pain are strong but

I realize she was never physically there

she's the logical part of me

when I lose control of my emotions and moods

the logical inner child who is her

would appear opposite of the out of control me

The inner child in me hasn't given up completely

but needs to overcome this mental illness

before it consumes us both

Author's Note

Constructive critisim is welcomed, but please do not be mean or rude or just offensive! i hope you all enjoy it.

Reviews

[John the Baptist]

I used to work in the mental health field, and this very descriptive poem seems to reflect the symptoms of either schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder or bipolar disorder. The speaker has an unusual grasp of the symptoms; many continue to think they are reality.

[Morgan|Intelligent|witty|gemini]

I recently got diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. It is a struggle every day but I write things like this to help me cope, in ways.

[Death's Poet]

Words....are actually escaping me and I'm a writer. The amount I related to this is unfathomable. As someone with BPD, this is definitely an internal monologue I can relate to. I know it well. The line "That's normally where my days start and end" Is such a short, but meaningful line to me. Sometimes with mental health, it can seem like you just begin and end everything the same and that short phrase captured that. Perfect way to end that stanza. Speaking about your inner child is something I commend you on. I often struggle to speak about that because it can feel so hidden or painful to divulge.

All in all, this poem is an absolute work of art. I would tell you every line I loved but I would just be copy and pasting this poem. Brilliant. Please keep writing and please keep fighting

[Morgan|Intelligent|witty|gemini]

Your response to my writing has also left me with not many words left to form a sentence..in the absolute best way possible. Speaking about my inner child is not easy at all and often ends in her playing a very long intense game of hide and seek....for years. lol. It makes me happy that you can relate to this because I crave to write things that people don't just read but actually feel and visualize. It also makes me kinda sad to because struggling with this mental illness is very lonely.

I will definitely be posting some things tonight. I Had therapy today and per usual that always brings out some hidden memories and childhood traumas.