Chapter 4

What is self confidence? What demolished mine?

She looked at me over the rim of her glasses.

 Pursing her lips Dr.G crossed her legs and folded her hands over my letter on her lap.

 A moment of silence that stretched on for what seemed liked years passed before Dr.G smiled and spoke. Her soft tone was a sharp noise, shattering the silence.

“You seem to be suffering more than I was aware Jade. Of course your last psychologist, Dr.Lee was only a family councallor and this is not her area. Nevertheless, I will do my all for you.”

Smiling gently I whispered “Thank you.”

“I will be someone who will listen to you and try to help you in any way I can. Please, feel free to say what you want. It’s what I’m here for.”

There was another weak smile.

After a moment of silence she spoke again. “I do have one question...”

“Yes?”

“Why is it you feel so bad about yourself?”

“Well...” I laughed, it was light but an empty laugh all the same, Just like they have all been these last few months.  “Where do I begin?”

“I suppose doctor-“

“Please, call me Jan.” She said warmly with a smile that promised respect.

Another small smile escaped me. “Well, Jan, I suppose it stems from a crippling fear of failure. I was never really confident in myself.”

No longer able to keep eye contact with her I let my gaze fall to the floor in front of me as I calmed myself with an agitation of hands.

“I have sabotaged my own success in a way. I never believe I will ever be good enough...and as a result of this I have given up trying.

I know it sounds silly but no matter how hard I tried nothing ever worked. There was always someone prettier than me, smarter than me, better than me in every way. I felt so insecure , it continuously gnawed at me internally.”

“Was there anything you had Jade?”

“I had writing... It was everything I had, apart from a love of music. It made me feel better. It was a way to channel my feelings. But when I inevitably began to compare myself to other people again I lost faith.

I began to hate my work. I’d get more frustrated and worked up. It frightened and worried me that everything I had was slipping. All I wanted was to be able to be good at something. To have something to my name, something to be proud of.”

A pause as I pulled at the sleeves of my sweater.

“This internal battle built up inside of me for many months. Tearing my already tattered confidence apart. I began to release it through self harm.”

I rubbed my arm instinctively.

“I cut because the physical pain was easier to bear than the emotional. Sadly it was not enough, As always my inner demons won the battle. But then I thought to myself, why bother trying anymore? If I don’t try I can’t fail. If I can’t fail I can’t be humiliated or feel worthless.

And so.... everything I was has fallen away until all that remains is a sad, empty girl who simply does not have the will to care anymore.”