Devil's Wrath

Ed tried to kill himself, and admitted to his self-injury. He then placed him into a mental helth care facillity and this is his recovery.

evil’s Wrath BY: Sarah/Mutzyer. 1.2

Sometimes you have nothing left,

Nothing but the knife.

The same thing that can save you,

Or claim you, and your life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Part 1- Truths

Part 2- Wanting

Part 3- Explanation

Part 4- Q&A

Part 5- Heal

Part 6- Mirrored Demons

Part 7- Temptations

Part 8- Play

Part 9- Inside of Him

Part 10- Broken

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

To my Dearest friends, who have watched me die and reborn so many times.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Part 1- Truths

I was there watching T.V when my dad came home. He had been out a while, and that made me feel a little nervous. But I smiled when he entered the living room.

“Hey.” I said as a greeting. I was a teen. Nothing mean about it.

“I wouldn’t talk to me that way, boy!” My father yelled.

I stat on the couch afraid and annoyed. What did I just do that was so wrong?

“When will Mom be home?” I asked softly.

“She won’t be for a while!” He yelled. “What a little brat!”

The words bit at me, like a dog nipping at fleas, but I knew that if I was bogged down by them, I would loose focus.

He tried to swing a punch at me, out of his fury, but being only fourteen, I was able to move faster than he. I began running up the stairs to my bedroom; my refuge. With adrenaline claiming my mind, I accidentally tripped over my own feet. I caught my hold fast, looking behind me. He was there, lumbering, tying to catch up.

As soon as I got to my room, I slammed the door. I leaned against it, catching my breath. But I could hear him come closer. I felt him punch the door.

“What the hell are you doing?” He rasped.

I could feel myself beginning to get dizzy. That’s when I realized that I wasn’t breathing. I took a deep breath as I felt the door rumble behind me. He now pushed the door hard enough to knock me away. As soon as I hit the floor, I scurried to the wall.

He now entered my room like a brown bear that had been caged and someone poked at stick at him.

“My, ain’t you a fast little b*****d.” He said, words slurred.

And that’s when the word the world became hell.

I felt a few punches pelting my back, so I placed my back up against the wall in-between punches. Bad move. Now I felt his foot pelt against my stomach. I tried to curl up, so he couldn’t hit the same place twice, but this time I was too slow. His other foot then hit me in another, more vital area a little bit lower. I curled up extremely fast, so he couldn’t get another in.

He just stood there after that, glancing down at me. I could feel tears starting to come. It was a combination of the pain and the emotions. Why was I being hit? What had I done to deserve this? Whatever it was, apparently it was bad. And never to be done again.

The beast then exited my room, slamming the door behind him. As soon as I heard it close, I slowly began to open my eyes. I was exhausted. Confused. I could feel so much hatred. But for what reason?

When I finally got my eyes opened completely, I saw silver. Just a glance, but that was enough. It was a knife, sitting under my bed along with a few other forgotten objects. I grabbed the silver in my left hand and unsheathed the blade. I rested my eyes upon it, for but a minute. But then an idea struck me. It was crazy in the very least. But I was feeling crazy too. All the more reason to try.

I realized that I was hurting a little. I would hurt more later after the adrenaline wore out. But maybe I could transform my slight physical pain, into stronger physical pain, which could then maybe in turn, delete, or at least cover up the emotional pain.

“This is so stupid!” I whispered to myself. But a hard moment can cause you to do some drastic; stupid or not.

I held the blade about an inch above my right palm. I then closed my eyes and moved the blade quickly.

“Gah!” I called to no one. I opened my eyes slowly to see what happened. There was now a small streak of crimson on my palm. But as soon as he made the cut, the emotions were suddenly somewhat blocked. My mind, which had felt confused a minute ago, felt calm now.

There were no other thoughts running in my mind except the freedom. Now if Dad ever acted like that again, I knew that there was something for me to do in order to escape.

Part 2-Wanting

“Edward, are you alright?” A woman’s voice asked him. He opened his eyes and the room was bright. But it wasn’t home. It wasn’t his mother calling. . .

He sat up with a start.

“What’s going on?” He demanded.

A nurse smiled at him. And although her voice didn’t sound anything like that of his mothers, her appearance was similar. Both had caring green eyes. What made her different was the fact that her brown hair was only mid-length and her smile was more perfect; although that, in turn, didn’t make her any prettier.

“Isaac was worried about you.” The nurse told him. “He said that you were moving around a lot and you weren’t responding to anything. So I came in to check on you. Then I called in for backup. It did take us a little while to wake you up, though. All that we noticed that was strange physically was the fact that you had a really fast heart.” “Anything else out of place?” She asked.

“I dunno.” Ed looked over himself. “Physically I seem alright. Just tiered.”

“That’s to be expected, dear.” She told him. “Anything else? Mentally, emotionally? Anything?” The nurse asked.

“Yeah, actually.” Ed said with a puzzled look on his face. “I seem to be really angry and have a sense of longing. I can’t explain either of those, but that’s how I’m feeling right now. And scatterbrained.” He finished.

“Why do you feel scatterbrained?” The nurse asked, writing all of this down onto a piece of notebook paper.

“I think it’s because I’m in taking too many feelings at once.”

“Like what?” She questioned.

“ I’m glad that Isaac called you guys in.” He looked over and smiled at Isaac. “But I’m angry that I’m capable of such dreams.”

“So it was a dream?” She asked. “ Was it intense?”

“Very much so.” He said while closing his eyes. “Painfully so.” He now checked his right palm to be completely sure that he had actually woken up.

“Would you like to share it with me?” The nurse asked. She was asking an awful lot of questions.

“Well-” Before Ed could finish his sentence, he yawned.

“That’s alright.” She told him. “Just be aware that you’re going to be asked again later because that seemed to be just a little off of the normal night-terror scale.

“Sweet dreams.” The nurse told him. She turned off the light on her way out.

“So, what was the dream about?” Isaac then questioned.

“If I don’t want to share it with her, why do you think that I’d want to share it with you?” Ed said slightly angrily.

“Okay, man, sorry.” He said apologetically.

“Let’s just say that it’s about the reason why I’m here.” Ed said carefully.

“You’re still not ready to talk about that?” Isaac asked.

“Yeah.” Ed apologized. “Can I ask you why you’re here though?”

“I’m here cause I like sex. Which isn’t that big of a deal. Except my parents are afraid that I’m going to get some STD by jumping from bed to bed.”

“But,” Ed interrupted.

“ I know, not real criteria to get in here. But my parents claim that it’s how I deal with stress, and that’s it not healthy and blah blah blah!”

Ed laughed slightly at this.

“I know what you mean. Parents are never able to speak the same language we do.”

Isaac smiled. “Ain’t that that truth.”

“But anyways,” He continued. “ The guys call me Kinky because of it. Which isn’t a bad nickname.”

“Kinky?” Ed raised his eyebrows.

“Yup. That’s me.”

“Well,” Isaac grunted as he rolled over to his side. “If you get any of those desperate moments while you’re here, I’m only a bed away.”

“But you’d get in so much trouble!” Ed hissed at him as a reminder. “That’s why you’re here!”

“Yeah, it is but you have to understand that I’ve been in this hellhole for much longer than you. I don’t give a damn if I’m caught.”

“Isaac, you git, that would be cheating!” Ed reminded him.

“Whateve.” Said Isaac. “Just thought that I would make that available to you in case, alright?”

“Yeah. Alright. Goodnight Kinky.”

Isaac laughed a little.

“Goodnight Whoever.”

Part 3-Explanation

 

“What the hell are you doing here?” Ed yelled.

“WOAH man, I’m just watching over you cause they told me to!” Isaac defended.

“Right.” Ed said unsurely.

“So anyways, how are you doing?” Isaac questioned.

“ I don’t know.” Ed admitted thoughtfully.

“Hey, can I ask you a question?” Isaac asked.

“I dunno.” Said Ed.

“C’mon,” Isaac begged. “ I know that you were in no mood for it last night, so I figured I’d try asking this morning.”

“Fine.” Ed rolled his eyes.

“Why are you here?” He asked innocently.

“What?” Asked Ed, surprised.

“Why are you here? All of the people that show up here at one point or another are here for a reason. What’s yours?” Isaac asked, still with the same amount patience.

Ed didn’t say anything and turned away.

“Okay, I get it, you still,” He put extra emphasis on that word. “Don’t want to answer, I understand that, but seriously, I don’t get it.”

“Get what?” Ed questioned softly.

“Why you’re here. And that’s why I asked. I was thinking about it last night while I was waiting for Terri to show up. I know you’re not a sex-abuser or else you would have taken me up on that invite last night. Or if you are, and you didn’t take me up on that invite, I figured it would be because you had self-control. But if you were controlled, then you wouldn’t be here. Then I’m like okay, then he might be a drug-abuser. But then I considered your delicate features and your overall kindness. On top of that, some drug-abusers are also sex-abusers so I ruled that out. But that only leaves one thing,”

Isaac paused for a moment, then sighed, and continued.

“There are only three kinds that live around here. I figured you weren’t like the first two, so that left one type, the self-abusers. But you didn’t fit the stereotype at all. They’re mostly girls who are around thirteen years of age. Besides, you seemed too much of a pretty-boy to be into hurting yourself. So, like, I still don’t know.”

Ed slunk down into the bed and pulled the covers up over his head. His cheeks were starting to turn a slight shade of pink and the tears were starting to sting at his eyes. But he had fought them many times before, and this was to be no exception.

“Hey man, it’s okay whatever you are, I think your awesome all the same.”

“Yeah cause you know if I get really disparate you know that I’ll give into your sexual needs.” Ed said weakly from under the blanket.

“Nah, Man, that isn’t it. I think it’s cool that your getting help. Whatever it is, it got bad enough that you decided to seek help. And I think that’s totally cool.”

Ed pulled himself out of his cocoon and sat up.

“ I didn’t quite decide to get help but, thanks Kinky.” He told him.

“Decide?” Isaac asked,

“To come here.” He said bitterly.

“Who did then?”

“Can we play the question game another day?” Asked Ed gently. As much as he would like to just spill everything, there was some part of him, that just wouldn’t allow it.

“Yeah, that‘s fine.” He responded. “Why don’t we get some breakfast?” Isaac asked. “I’m hungry, cause I’ve been watching you all morning.”

“C’mon.” Pleaded Ed. “Was that meant to be sexual?”

“Naw” Isaac shook his head. “I mean that. I would have left like twenty minutes ago to eat, so it’s the truth.”

“Fine.” Ed smiled.

They headed down there, got their breakfast and began to eat. Although Ed didn’t eat anything.

“Night-terrors, and now this?” Isaac questioned.

“ I dunno why, either.” Muttered Ed.

Where they sat, it seemed that an invisible cloud of gloom had risen over them. It was going to be a long, slow boring day.

They finished their meals (More like Isaac took advantage of Ed’s lack of hunger, eating his meal for him.) And went back to their rooms to find their schedules taped to their door.

“Sweet!” Isaac said taking his schedule of the door. Ed did the same, laughing slightly. There was something about Isaac that just made him laugh. Isaac looked over both his and Ed’s schedules. “You’ve been put into Group A!”

“Group?” Ed questioned.

“Yeah. I was expecting for you to be in Group B, but apparently they had enough room to include you with us.”

“What is group?” Ed asked a little impatiently.

“Oh.” Isaac said. “Your either placed in group A or B depending on where they can fit you. It doesn’t mean anything about which group your in. But there’s a leader. And she, Sandra, for A, knows a little bit about you. But no one else does. It’s basically just a chance for you to voice what’s on your mind and letting more than one person hear you.”

Isaac looked down at his schedule and then up at the white clock on the wall. Then back down.

“Ed?” He asked.

“Hm?”

“What time does that clock read?”

“Like 11-ish.”

Now Ed looked down at his schedule.

“D****t!” They yelled in unison. They were an half-hour late for group.

“This way!” Isaac told him, as they began racing down the hallway.

They went straight, took a couple turns, and then they arrived. As soon as they entered the room everyone fell silent.

“Welcome you guys!” Sandra wasn’t quite so charming as Terri. Her hair was styled in a way that made her forehead look far to large, and her ears were far too small. Around her wrists she wore many bracelets, and also many rings around her fingers. And her makeup was far too loud for anyone with her flour colored skin.

Everyone in the group circle began muttering about their late arrival.

“Alright everyone.” Said Sandra, quieting them. “As you all may have noticed, we have a new group member. Would you like to tell us something about yourself?” She then asked Ed.

And although he was a bit afraid, enough years of doing public speaking can make you comfortable in an awkward way. “Sure. My name is Ed Quinton, I just moved to Maine a little while ago to escape and abusive home. My mom and I are here, and we left my maniac of a father. Then some events happened. And now I’m here.”

“So, why are you here, in a loony bin?” One of the group members asked.

“Uh,” Ed was startled by the question. Not because he wasn’t expecting it, he was just hoping that they’d take their time so that he’d have the time to think up a good answer that wasn’t the truth.

“I’m not ready to answer that yet.” He admitted sheepishly. Everyone started to whisper again. Sandra then made a slight hushing sound, and they quieted.

“If he’s not ready to share yet, then he isn’t ready to share yet.” She told them.

“Well Ed,” She told him. “I’m glad that you were able to show up after all. And don’t worry too much about being late, you both got excused, and we weren’t expecting you to show up at all.” Sandra smiled. “ Now shall we continue?”

And group did continue for another half hour. One member spoke about how he just wanted anything drug-wise. He claimed if it made the world appear beautiful, then he would take it. Isaac talked about how he’d like to f**k Terri. Everyone in the group agreed how nice that pleasure would be. On that note, they ended group and all headed off to lunch. Ed joined his new group, although he still didn’t eat anything.

“C’mon, man.” Isaac said, trying to provoke him to eat. “This can’t be good for you. Your already skinny enough as it is.”

“I’m just not hungry.” He said kindly. “You can have it if you want.” Ed pushed his plate over towards him.

“Thanks.” Isaac smiled.

“I know that I already asked you this, but you didn’t answer. Why are you here?” Asked the guy sitting next Isaac.

Ed rolled his eyes. Why the hell does everyone have to know my reasons? He wondered. Why can’t they just trust that I have one all the same like everyone else?

“Lay off Dawn.” Isaac told him. “When he’s ready to talk, he’ll talk, okay?”

“What?” Dawn teased. “You standin’ up for your roomie?” He asked.

“Yeah, and you got a problem with that?” Asked Isaac.

“I don’t, actually, I just don’t think it’s fair. Back when I first came here, everyone knew why I was here. If we had to tell, how come he doesn’t?” Dawn pointed out.

The scene was getting some attention now from other groups at other tables.

Isaac set his spoon down and breathed heavily.

“Please just leave Ed alone.” He asked kindly. “If he doesn’t want to talk, that’s his choice.” Isaac repeated and this time he rose to his feet “He doesn’t want to pick a fight at all, man. Just leave him alone, please.”

Now Dawn stood up, and faced Isaac.

“So, Ed, how did things go last night?” Dawn mused. “Poor little boy. We all heard you last night. It sounded like you were getting the crap beat out of you.” Then he laughed a thunderous laugh and his friends joined him.

“Although, at first, it sounded like he was f*****g you senseless. We could all hear you, loud and clear.” And Dawn laughed again. “Must be why he’s standing up for you. You’re his b***h after all, pretty-boy.” He said, nodding towards Ed.

Ed began to head out of the lunchroom, to avoid anything else, until he realized that Dawn was blocking his pathway, which happened to be the only pathway out. And Dawn wasn’t making it any easier.

“Please move!” Ed pleaded.

“Well well well, it seems as if your b***h can stand up for himself.” Dawn noted and laughed again. “You don’t like that very much do ya, fella?” He asked Isaac, voice full of disdain.

“I’m not his b***h.” Ed hissed. “I already belong to someone else. Now move or be moved.”

Dawn raised an eyebrow. “Move or be moved,” He told the audience, spreading his arms wide. “Well, I guess I’ll be moved.”

And no sooner than he said the word, Ed had flung a punch at Dawn’s face. Dawn, having some experience in street fighting, caught Ed’s punch at his tender wrist. His eyes widened as he winced softly in pain. His wrist hadn’t bothered him much, so it was forgotten, but now that it came in contact with force. . .

 

His wrist was bandaged the same way that it had been for the last three days. The same way it had been when he was in the hospital, and yet he only remembered it now, that he was exposed. The memories hit him with a surprising force.

“Ed,” Isaac’s voice was weak and was far away.

“So, we’ve got ourselves a knife-boy?” Dawn said softly. “That’s all that I needed to know.”

He let go of Ed‘s arm and moved out of their pathway. Ed then walked passed him, with Isaac behind. The last thing that he heard was repeating over and over again in his mind;
So we’ve got ourselves a knife-boy.“Edward,” Isaac began gently.

Part 4- Q&A

 

“Isaac. What the hell else could you want to know, huh?” Ed asked annoyed. “ I was just exposed for the weakling I am, made fun in front of the whole group, what the hell else is their left that you, or anyone would want to pull apart?”

“I just . . .” Isaac started. “ I want to know if I can, like, help.”

“What?” Asked Ed, exasperated.

“I think you heard me,” Said Isaac softly.

“You really do want to help, don’t you?” Asked Ed quietly.

Isaac nodded.

“ Well, just listen.” And for the next twenty minutes he spoke of pains and sorrows. Joys and concerns. Hatred and heart-felt love. Excitement and horror. Although he tried to step around what had happened the last few days. He tried to mostly speak about his self-injury, and how that had effected his mom and friends. Isaac sat there, taking it all in, trying to get the best picture that he could.

“So that’s what happened.” Ed finished. “That’s why I’m here.”

“ I understand now.” Isaac said. “But I do have one question.”

Ed rolled his eyes. “Now what?”

“Sorry. I was just wondering, how bad are the old scars?” Isaac asked.

“Why don’t I let you gauge that for yourself?” Ed told him. “ I don’t mind.” He told him before he could protest. He pulled off his long sleeved shirt over his unhealthily skinny torso and his somewhat broad shoulders, revealing all of his scars.

Isaac’s eyes began tracing his around the maze of scars. Some circled like bracelets. Some were straight lines. On his left arm, in hardly legible writing, read ‘fucked.’

“Wow.” Isaac whispered. “So you’ve been battling this for a while, haven’t you? How did you end up here?”

Ed closed his eyes and sighed. The one part of the story that he forgot to tell was the one that Isaac wanted to hear the most.

“Well, about three days ago, I tried to kill myself.” He began. “Overdosed on something. I really wasn’t paying attention. I cut my wrist, and just let it bleed. When my mom decided to go to bed, apparently she was concerned in general. So she checked on me. She found a little puddle of blood on the floor, only about the size of a quarter, but she tried to wake me. I was unconscious. So she called in the whole nine yards. The next day, I almost thought that I was in heaven for a little while, but I ended up alive. Then there were doctors and friends,” Ed sighed slightly.

“But then it was just me and my mom. She really wanted to put me,” He paused to look for the right word. “Into treatment. And I really didn’t want to go in the very least. So I fought and I yelled. I even threatened to kill myself as soon as I got home from said treatment. None of that helped me get my way though. She left the room and had a nurse watch over me as she and the doctor talked it over. Then they came back into the room, and mom said I was going. Like it or not. The doctor kept trying to convince me that if I really wanted help, this would be the best place to receive it. I never did give in.” Ed finished.

“But are you happy now that you’re here?” Asked Isaac. “Cause if you don’t even accept that you’re here, then your really not going to get anything accomplished.”

“Well, most of the people that end up here aren’t happy.” Ed reminded him.

“But if your wondering if I’m happy that I’m getting help? I dunno.” Ed sighed as he pulled his shirt back on. “Your making it bearable. So far. But I want to be home. I was doing fine until I was found out. It’s not like I had plans to kill myself. The emotion just came.” He admitted.

“Then why did you try to?” Isaac questioned.

“Why are you so worried about me making it out of here a better person?” Ed asked, a little annoyed. “ Shouldn’t you be worried about you?”

Isaac smiled thinly. “Dearest friend,” He told him. “It takes at least two to have pretty good sex, but it only takes one to wield a sharp knife. And that’s why I worry.”

Isaac glanced up at the clock and cleared his throat. “ I think it be best that we got going to whatever’s next. We’re going to get in trouble if were late this time.”

Ed nodded and left the room.

Part Five-Heal

Ed took a couple steps out side of the room and sighed. The day wasn’t getting any easier, but there was nothing that he could do about that so he decided to go to the next place on his schedule. The clinic. He entered the room and closed the door quietly behind him. The room was small but was fitted just as well as an average room at the doctor’s office.

“Your Edward, aren’t you?” A voice called.

“Yes.” He replied with as much bravery as he could muster. “And you?”

She laughed slightly. “I’m Terri. How are you doing today?”

“Fine.” His voice was candid.

The nurse from last night now appeared from what seemed to be nowhere. She looked more tired than the day before, but still pleasant all the same.

“You’ll be here everyday for the next so many days.” She told him. “My job with you is to make sure that you don’t have any new wounds.”

He rolled his eyes, but it wasn’t enough to get noticed. So it’ll be here that I have to come everyday to get a reminder of who I am. He thought.

Ed pulled off his shirt just like he had a minute previously. Terri checked his chest, all over each of his arms, and his palms. But she looked curiously at the wound on his right wrist.

“That’s from before I got here.” He explained.

“I know that, honey.” She reassured him. “Has it been causing you any trouble?”

“No.” He said simply. It’s just been there. I forget about it for the most part.”

“I would just recommend that you leave it alone. Let it heal. It may take a while longer than you like, but it won’t take forever.” She smiled. Her soft pink lips wore no lip-stick

“Just take care of yourself.” Said Terri, while holding his hurting wrist gently. She let go, still softly smiling, and Ed understood that he was dismissed.

Ed left the room and sighed. That was stressful. He thought.

He made his way down the hall and entered another room. A man was sitting at a desk, his hands folded on the desk, like he was waiting for him patiently. Ed closed the door as he entered.

Part 6- Mirrored Demons

“Hello.” The man said kindly.

Ed said nothing and sat down on the couch. He felt uneasy about this situation. He was going to be in the same room for an hour, talking to one person about the thing that he feared the most; himself.

“Your Ed, right?” He asked.

Ed nodded slightly.

“Nice to meet you. I’m Kyle.” Kyle then extended his hand for a handshake and Ed just glared. Kyle didn’t seem to think anything of it.

He studied him a minute; if he was going to be here a while, it would give him something to do. He appeared to be tall, even while sitting. He wasn’t skinny, nor overweight. His face was angular and he appeared to be young. Not older than late thirties. His hair was blond and straight. His eyes would have been considered blue, but the real color of them was an enlightening grey. They seemed to have the power of being able to see right through you. Looking down into your heart seeing every memory, every fear, every emotion and the strongest of loves.

“So why don’t you tell me a little bit about yourself?” Asked Kyle kindly. Ed snapped out of his minor self-hypnosis.

“I’m here.” Ed began.

“Why are you here?” .

“Because I was a fool, once. And it takes only once to never want to do it again. Just like setting your hand down on a burner.”

Kyle now sat there, looking at him with those all knowing eyes.

“Whatever you did, why did it make you feel like a fool?”

“Because I was weak. And I once thought that I was so strong. Maybe not like incredibly so. But strong enough to withstand.”

“Withstand what?” Asked Kyle.

“Life. And all of the hells that come with it.” Ed answered bluntly. “But no!” He complained. “ I decided to try to take my own life. Piece by pathetic piece.” Kyle wrote something else down, but said nothing.

Ed laughed softly. “I even remember that very first time.” He indulged. “It was in the middle of the night when I went down to the kitchen, and grabbed a knife. I brought it back upstairs with me and hid it within the confines of one of my drawers.”

“Why did you even bring a knife into your room? Were you having thoughts or considering suicide and self-injury before you ever did it?”

“Yes.” Ed whispered.

“How did you even find out that self-injury could help you?”
“I was online one day, looking up ways to deal with stress. I was reading a forum and one girl said that when she took a knife to her wrist, it made her feel better. She also said that it was addicting and so hard to stop. But she had no desire to. It made her life better. So I figured I would give it a try the next time I was feeling out of sorts.”

Ed who had previously been sitting on the edge of the couch, now relaxed and sat up against it. He laid his head on the back of it and continued.

“I didn’t use the knife until two nights later, when after my father had been out drinking, and he came home. When for whatever reason, was angry as well.”

“Where was your mom?” Kyle intervened.

“Out on a business trip like usual.” Ed answered roughly.

“Continue.”

“So my father came home drunk, and thought that it would be fun to beat the crap out of me. I was sitting in the living room when he threw the first punch. I tried to dodge, which got me into trouble. So he started yelling slurred profanities at me, and I raced up to my bedroom. I should have known that it would have been no use, but that’s what I did. There was no lock on the door. So he barged in. And kept hitting me.”

Ed stopped talking for a moment as his own story hit his heart. The words stung him for a moment. Like they were forbidden. Like he had just told some big secret that was never meant to be exposed. He shook his head slightly, trying to shake his thoughts away.

“So the one time that I tried to fight back, I missed, and he got me so hard that I was on the floor. I couldn’t get up. I had no will to get up. And no want to be hurt anymore than what I could help. He stopped then, because he thought that I had given up. So he left. I just laid there for a little, trying to get recuperated. As soon as I was able to get up, I got the knife. Cause I was aching. I was feeling the same emotions that the girl online had described. So I figured that I’d try to trick myself out of the pain that was everywhere and direct it to one place.”

“Did it work?” Kyle asked.

“Yes.” Ed told him. “Too well. So I began to use it for everything. I would just bleed myself until I felt dizzy. And that’s how I lived for the longest time. Bleeding.”

“So, you’re a-” Kyle couldn’t say the word without sounding harsh or judgmental.

“Cutter, yes.” Ed told him. “Not exactly a pretty title, but that’s who I am.”

“When was the last time you cut yourself?” Kyle asked.

“Three days ago.”

“Was that the last time that you had the chance?”

Ed nodded.

“But Terri’s keeping an eye on me, so I don’t know if I’ll cut here.”

“Why is that, do you think?”

“Cause I don’t want to be caught. Plus, I don’t have the means.”

“Do you want to stop cutting?” Asked Kyle.

“I don‘t know.” Asked Ed. “ I just want to stop hurting.”

“I can’t stop you from hurting yourself. Only you can stop you from that fate.” Kyle told him. “ But maybe I can teach you ways to deal with your hurting, besides cutting. Would you like that?”

Ed’s eyes lit up. “You mean, you could actually do that?”

“Well, it’s not like it’s magic,” Kyle laughed. “ I could teach you. But that means that you’d have to be up to learning.”

“I dunno.” Ed said. “ I guess we can try it.”

Kyle smiled slightly. “That’s really good. That’s all of the time that we have for today. But I will see you tomorrow. Got it?”

“Yes.” Ed said simply.

Part 7- Temptations

“Hey!” A familiar voice called to him.

Ed turned his head in the direction of the voice.

Isaac was now by his side. He stood casually like they were a couple guys at a football game. He had one hand in his pocket, the other on Ed’s shoulder.

“How are you doing?” Isaac apparently asked this question before he even took the time to look over his friend.

“Holy s**t! You look terrible!” Isaac told him before he could answer, now taking the time to look.

“Hey, you wouldn’t look much better if you had just been in an office for an hour, having somebody pull you apart.” Ed replied bluntly.

“Ouch, man, ouch. Although I didn‘t look much better. But that was quite a while ago.” Isaac sighed. “ Far ago enough that it’s a memory, but close enough that it still haunts me.” Isaac’s eyes went out of focus for a minute, because the memory recaptured him.

“You there?” Ed asked, waving a hand in front of Isaac’s face.

He blinked. “Yeah, sorry about that. Why don’t we head down to dinner?”

“Sure.”

They both headed down to the cafeteria, avoiding Dawn as much as they could. They entered, grabbed their trays and sat down. As soon as they sat, Ed pushed his tray towards Isaac without even saying anything. Isaac pushed it back. Ed pushed it towards his again.

“I’m not eating this one!” Isaac told him. “I’m beginning to think you might be an anorexic.” Isaac told him. “You really need to eat more than what you have been.”

And it wasn’t because Ed didn’t feel hungry, he just didn’t want to eat. If he couldn’t hurt himself on the outside, maybe if he kept this up long enough, then he would hurt enough physically from the inside.

Dinner ended with no commotion. Isaac headed towards the T.V room, to join most of the other group in watching whatever program they were able to decide on. Ed was on his way to his bathroom to take a much needed shower. So he did, and came out, dried off, and dressed. He began to walk out into the hallway but stopped when he felt a hand on his shoulder.

 

“I got something you want knife-boy,” Ed recognized the voice.

“What?” He hissed.

“Your always looking for something sharp, aren’t you?” Dawn asked.

“So what?” Ed hissed again.

“ I do have something if you want. Just stop by my room before you head off to bed this evening.” And Dawn let him through the hallway without another word.

Ed left the bathroom and went to the T.V room. He sat on the couch beside Isaac.

Isaac smiled as his friend joined him. A few guy friends watching T.V. It almost appeared normal. Almost.

Within five minutes, Ed got up to leave.

“Where ya going, man?” Isaac asked.

“I’m just really tired. I want to go to bed.“ He told him.

“Good idea,” Isaac said. “Do you want some companionship? Y‘know someone to chat with before sleep claims you?”

“Naw,” Ed said. “Something tells me we’ll be chatting enough later tonight.”

Isaac winked. “See ya then.”

Ed headed off towards Dawns room He saw Dawn leaning up against the doorframe. His deep brown eyes widened as Ed stepped nearer.

“So you really do want it, knife-boy?” Dawn asked, somewhat surprised.

“Yes.” Ed told him.

Dawn now pulled a jackknife from his pocket. “It’s yours to keep.” He told him.

Ed’s eyes widened as Dawn held it out in front of him. Ed grabbed to knife, unsheathed it, and glanced at the silver blade. It was bloodstained with the uses of other people.

“How did you get this in here?” Ed questioned.

“I didn’t.” Dawn told him. “That knife’s been around for quite some time. We have a secret hiding place for it. As of right now, I’m the only one who knows that it exists. What happens is, now that I’m giving it to you, you can use it, and you can hide it. The day before you leave this place, you have to see if there’s a someone you can trust to keep it’s location secret. Then it’ll be his job to pass it on to the next knife-boy. Okay?” Dawn asked.

Ed nodded. “Thank you.” He told him. Ed tucked it into his sleeve safely so no one would see it and began to walk back to his room. But the metal sat there, cold and calling. He really wasn’t hurting right now, but temptation was staring him straight in the face.

“Dawn!” He called turning around.

Dawn came out of his room again. “What?” He said, surprised.

“Can I use it really quickly, then return it? I don’t want to keep this in my room, cause I’ll get caught-”

“I understand.” Dawn told him. “Sure.”

Ed’s heart began to race as his temptation was finally becoming his wish. He took the knife, making a superficial diagonal line on his right palm. He exhaled after the release began to come. The worries that he had weighing on his mind suddenly felt lighter; he could carry on. And fake his happiness in front of Isaac. They would be no need for anyone to worry about him anymore. He could just fake it until he got out of here. With these new reassuring thoughts in mind, he went back to his room. And for the first time in ages, he was smiling.

“Thanks.” He breathed, pressing the knife back into Dawn’s hand.

Part 8- Play

Ed then, in a state of euphoria, headed off to his room, sadly to find Isaac already there.

“Where have you been?” Isaac asked him.

“Nowhere.” Ed told him.

“Have you been out doing some other guy?” Isaac asked.

So that’s what he meant about chatting later. Ed mentally noted. His eyes widened at this comment. “NO! Get you mind out of the gutter Kinky.” Ed snapped. He walked to his own bed now laying down. It had a been a bit of a day.

Isaac now got up from his bed and sat on the edge of Ed’s. Ed now sat up, startled.

“Kinky!” He hissed. “What do you want?”

“I think we both know.” Isaac said, somewhat romantically.

“ I think only one of us want it.” Ed told him.

Isaac now pulled Ed closer to him and ran his fingers through his still wet, black hair. Ed had no guts to try to stop him.

“You look cute when your hair is wet.” Isaac told him. Ed shivered as he leaned up against his lean chest. Isaac wrapped his arm around Ed’s body, securing him. He leaned down as if to whisper in his ear, but all he did was sniff.

“You smell like kiwi.” Isaac giggled.

“And you smell like lust.” Ed told him.

“Sometimes it just works out that way.”

Ed could feel Isaac as he inhaled and exhaled softly. Isaac felt warm up against him. His eyes slowly closed as for the first time since he got here, he felt totally relaxed. Except for one part of him. At the same time Ed noticed what felt painful (just below the belt), Isaac noticed as well.

Isaac undid the button at the top of his jeans, as Ed’s right hand stopped him before he could get any further. Isaac froze and spoke colorfully under his breath. Ed had forgotten completely about his newest wound. And it hadn’t stopped bleeding yet, despite how shallow it was.

“What the hell did you do?” Isaac demanded in a deep, low tone.

“Nothing,” He said, trying to reassure him.

“Don’t give me that s**t!” Isaac told him.

Ed sighed. The completely relaxed feeling that he just had less than a minute ago, was gone.

“It’s nothing major,” Ed reassured him again..

“Nothing major!” Isaac exclaimed. “Look!”

Isaac now got up from the bed and turned on the light.

Ed looked down as his hand. There was a drop of blood coming off of one of his finger tips. Isaac showed him where he’d placed his hand on him. There was a small streak of blood on him as well.

“This is so uncool!” Isaac yelled.

“Hush.” Ed begged. “It was an accident! Please don’t give me away.” He begged franticly.

“I know that was no accident! And why the hell not?” Isaac asked.

“Just please don’t!” Ed pleaded franticly.

A nurse walked passed the room and saw the scene.

“What’s going on?” She asked.

Ed flushed a bright red. “ Nothing.” He told the nurse while at the same time Isaac yelled “He’s cut himself!”
Terri rushed in the room like a whirlwind.

“You both need to come with me,” She demanded.

Ed rolled his eyes. “Thanks a lot, a*****e.” He whispered to Isaac, as they were walking towards the clinic.

“What the hell do you want me to do?” He asked. “ I only want what’s best for you.”

“Yeah right.” Ed scoffed. “You wants what’s best for my body, and not my brain.”
Isaac sighed and shook his head.

By now they were at the clinic and Isaac was muttering profanities under his breath.

Ed sat down in the same place that he did earlier that day. Isaac sat in a different chair. Terri came over with a damp cloth for Isaac, but she let him take care of himself. Ed on the other hand, was cared for. Terri took a piece of gauze, and Ed’s hand, applying pressure to cease the bleeding.

Now that the numbness had faded away, Ed realized how much he actually hurt. Terri removed the pressure to see how much more the bleeding had slowed down. It had to some degree, but she kept applying pressure.

“How did you get your hands on something to hurt yourself with?” She asked.

Ed said nothing.

“It’s okay to tell me.” She reassured him gently. Her voice was like honey. Ed could tell that she had no want to make a big scene. But she would report it.

“No it’s not okay.. Your just gonna turn around and tell someone else so they can start the search. And I don’t want that.”

Terri sighed slightly.

She removed the gauze and applied a wound cleaner. The sensation stung for a minute, but Ed didn’t mind. He had betrayed Isaac. He had let himself down. As much as he wanted to fight, he had wanted to hurt. But he wanted to hurt more than fight long enough for one decision to be made. And now, this choice was foolish.

“You really need to try to care.” Terri told him. Her tone had turned serious. “For all the pain that your feeling inside, does it really match the pain your feeling now? Emotions fade faster than scars.”

Terri tied off the bandage and held Ed’s wound for a second.

“Are the two of you going to be alright?” She asked worriedly. She glanced at Isaac for a second then went back to Ed. Neither said a thing.

Part 9- Inside of Him

 

Instead of going to Group A first thing in the morning after breakfast, he’d been assigned to go to the clinic for ten minutes before breakfast, then to his own appointment with Kyle, afterwards.

“Damn.” He muttered. He wasn’t ready to face Terri nor did he want to talk to Kyle again. Waves of guilt washed over him as he thought about the people that he had hurt. It was just like before. Just like before. Ed got up from his bed, changed his clothing, and headed down to the clinic. He was in and out quickly. Terri seemed satisfied soon enough. But the few minutes that he was in there, her face was nonchalant. She didn’t even bother to try to make conversation. She was worried, and he knew it.

Ed closed his eyes for a minute, trying to toss the memory away.

Once he got himself together, he booked it down to breakfast. He’d tortured himself enough yesterday. He grabbed his food and sat down next to Isaac, giving him a slight smile. Isaac smiled slightly in return.. Ed shoveled his food into his mouth, inhaling it. The mushy pancakes tasted good, because when your hungry, there’s nothing quite like food. Even though Ed was late for breakfast, he finished his food, plus some, in the time he was allotted.

He then headed off to see Kyle. Ed waited outside the closed door for a minute. He sighed then entered. Kyle sat there, just as patiently as he had the day before.

Ed sat down on his couch, and waited for Kyle to start.

“How’s everything?” Kyle asked.

“Everything sucks.”

“A lot of s**t happens sometimes. It’s life.”

“Well, life sucks.”

Kyle sighed. “Do you want to talk about last night?”

Ed sat up straight on the couch like he’d been poked with a pin. “You heard about last night?” He gasped.

“Yes I did.”

“Then why are you asking me about it now?” Ed protested.

“I just wanted to see if you wanted to say anything else besides what I have heard. Why did you cut yourself?” Kyle asked.

“Because the opportunity arose and I wanted to.”
“Did you have plans to when you were in my office yesterday?”

“Yes.” He admitted. “Although not really. I knew that I wanted to, and that I was going to. But not the way it turned out.”

“And that’s how I knew that I’d be calm when I left.”

“And that’s how you knew that you’d be calm when you left.” Him and Kyle said in unison.

“Just knowing that you’ll have something on hand, does the thought of that calm you down?”

Ed nodded.

“ I’d really like to know what happened.” Kyle told him gently.

“Why do you want to know? What is there left to know?” It was Ed’s turn to ask the questions.

“I was just wondering.” Kyle told him bluntly.

“Well . . .” And in the next ten minutes, Ed repeated to Kyle what had happened from the part of Ed being held by Isaac last night, to breakfast this morning, when Isaac smiled at him. But he didn’t say where he got his knife from, or the real reason why.

Kyle sat there, taking it all in, writing down little bits that he thought were important.

“Why do you think Isaac cares about you so much?”

“Cause he knows that I get really desperate, he’ll be able to get inside my pants.” Ed rolled his eyes slightly.

“Do you think that’s the real reason, or do you think he generally cares?” Kyle asked.

“Oh yeah, I know that he does care too. And that makes me happy as well. Well, on second thought, I have really mixed emotions on people who care.”

“Could you explain?”
“Well, like right now I’m happy that I stopped Isaac last night. And I’m happy that he stopped me. It goes to show that we care for each other. As much as I resented him for it last night, I understand today. He just wants what’s best for me. Which is the opposite of what I think is best for me. But he knows better than me. My head’s all messed up.

“What do you mean by that?”
“Well, all of my really mixed emotions are constantly confusing me. Plus there are so many things that I don’t know right now. And my stupid addiction. Sometimes that takes up so much of my mind and willpower that I can do little else.”

“Do you get physical symptoms when your urge becomes really difficult, and you don’t give in?”

“Yes, horribly so.” He admitted. “I feel like my insides are twisted and my chest feels like it’s going to cave in on me any moment. It sucks.”

“How are you dealing today?”

“Fine.” Ed smiled. “Really great.”

“Is that because you cut yourself last night?”
“Well. Sure. It was calming last night until Isaac caught me. But-”

“You do seem to be much more level-headed.” Kyle admitted bitterly.

“Yes.” For the first time in the last week or so, Ed felt genuinely happy. Sure, there was some guilt pulling on the back of his mind, but for the moment he was happy. Although, there was another thing pulling on the back of his mind as well; for every climb, there was always a chance of a fall, or you would come back down your own way.

“Do you want to talk more about your childhood?” Kyle asked.

“There’s nothing that good about that time.” Ed told him. “You haven’t already dug around enough?”

Kyle shook his head. “What was it like the first time that your Father beat you?”

“It was hell. I was but only five years old. I just wasn’t sure what to make of it. I spent most of that night crying. I was just so confused. And guilty.”

“Whatever you think you did to deserve that, I can tell you that it’s not true. A parent never has a reason to hit a child. Sometimes I wonder if kids would be better off raised by wolves.”

“ I did deserve it though!” Ed protested. “I really did!”

“What could have you done that was so bad, that would have a grown man want to hurt you for it?” Kyle asked, almost in disbelief.

“ I don’t know!” Ed’s voice rose in volume. He was flustered.

“I think that you’ve been conditioned to your old behavior. I can guarantee you that everything will improve if you find a way to let go of your old actions and habits and establish new ones.”

“You don’t know that!” Ed protested. “There is no way in hell that-”

“Life would get better if you were to stop cutting yourself?” Kyle cut him off. “It’s true. For a little while, it would suck, quite frankly, but it would get better. You would just have to put in the effort.”

“I can’t change!” Ed told him sincerely. “I really can’t.” He whispered.

“It’s not a matter if you can or can’t.” Kyle dropped his voice as well. It’s a matter if you want to or not.”

“But after all of the hell,”

“There is light.” Kyle cut him off again. “I want you to start catching yourself saying negative things. And for everything negative, you have to say something positive. We will be working on this.” He warned.

“I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“If I’m not dead.” He whispered.

“Now say something positive.” Kyle said.

“F**k off.”

Kyle shot a stern look at him.

“The less you piss me off, the less I’ll cut myself.” Ed told him.

“Covering up your past won’t make it better.”

“But cutting myself will.”

“Edward,” Kyle sighed. “There will be a day when either the cutting will cease to be effective or you honestly want to change. There will be one day, one event, when your going to say enough is enough. And your going to stop and change for the better and never look back. You need to make that choice.”

 

Part 10 Broken

Ed headed back to his room. He didn’t care where he needed to be, or where he was supposed to go. He opened his door and closed it softly. Ed had been holding back the tears while he was in Kyle’s office.

Ed sat up against the wall as he put his head against it, he could feel the tears coming. As much as he wanted to will the tears and sadness away, they act like three year olds. They don’t like the word no.

He got up from his spot, tears still in his eyes as he went to invade Dawn’s room. He opened Dawn’s room’s door, and he saw Dawn there, just after he exited his restroom.

“I need the knife.” Ed told him hurriedly.

“Sure.”

Dawn then got on his hands and knees and pulled the bright silver from under the bed.

He handed it to Ed, who gave a hurried exclaim akin to a thank you, as he rushed back to his room. He slammed his door behind him and sat back down where he was a minute ago. He took the blade clumsily in his right hand and made a slit on his wrist. He almost gave out a cry of pain but he wouldn’t allow it. He pulled his legs a little closer to his chest as a natural reaction, though.

But the cut didn’t hurt. At all. So he made another, deeper than the first. The tears came more heavily now. There was no pain though. The emotion of defeat rested in his hurting heart.

The knife fell with a noisy clatter to the floor. Ed didn’t care if he was found now. It didn’t hurt. The emotion climbed over him like vines over a castle. But there was nothing he could do. The pain wouldn’t come. And the tears wouldn’t stop.

Ed now pulled his legs completely to his chest, wrapping his arms around them. There was finally a throbbing pain of his wrist, which was enough to make him notice, but not hurt.

“Is what I’m doing, really worth it?” He questioned to the air in a whisper, gasping between words.

“Am I really worth it?” He now placed his head on top of his knees. He held his wrist up so that he could examine it. The crimson that he had always known so well was sliding down his arm. Warm.

“I think your worth it.” Another voice called to him.

Ed picked up his head, startled. And that’s when he saw Terri and Kyle enter the room.

 

“Ed will you be able to cooperate with me for a few minutes?” Terri asked.

He nodded weakly.

“Stay here.” She told him sternly. “And Kyle, could you hold the gauze tight while I’m gone?”

“Yes.” Kyle now sat with his legs crossed Indian style in front of Ed, doing as Terri instructed.

“What have I done?” Ed asked wearily.

“Let’s not think about what you’ve done, let’s think about what your going to do.” Kyle said. He spoke with an even tone, despite the trauma at hand.

“I’m going to live.” Ed told him, his voice still weak.

“I’m not ready to give up on me!” Ed locked his eyes with Kyle’s. His were a brilliant bright green.

“What made you decide?”

“I’ve been playing a game against death for the last few years.” Ed began. “And at the beginning, I was trying to win. But then I got sick of playing. So I started playing easy to let death win. Just to finish the game. I’m picking up the dice and rolling them now. And I want to win.”

“What do you think you’re really winning?” Kyle asked.

“I’m winning myself back over. The real person that I am. He’s not dead, despite how I’ve tried to kill his body. He’s always been reaching his hand out for me, and now I’m ready to grab hold.”

Kyle smiled now. And Ed smiled with even more pride than he himself contained.

The two halves that had been battling within him; life and death both had demanded truce with each other and now were able to live in harmony contained in the same world. When life and death surrender to each other, this is when we determine that we want to act. But in the duration of our lives, when we learn about ourselves, and each other, that’s when we learn how we want to act.

 

 

D

 

 

V

 

Author's Note

I know it's long, but this is part of my story. Just tell me anything you can!

Reviews

[inhale]

first i would like to say i really love this story and i hope you can add more to it. i want to know how the rest of his treatment goes and what happens with him and isaac?

I really liked the dialogue between the characters it was natural and flowed well. the only thing i would change was the transition between parts one and two i was just generally confused for a little bit until i discovered/realized where he was.

I believe the idea for this story is unique. ive read other stories about self-abuse but this one stands out simply because it seems more real, instead of the -im sad so i cut- there was emotion behind it and you described it excellently.

great story.

[Lynx]

There, is a lot of grammar mistakes and some repeated words. Also, why does it keep changing from first person to third person?

But other than that, this is truly amazing. I really like how the emotions were portrayed, how his decisions were highlighted, described in that sense of crazy way when you're seriously sad. Like, for example when I'm crying and mad as hell at someone, I would start comparing them with evil donuts, trying to prove to myself that I wasn't really beaten down, I wasn't letting anyone win over me, even my own emotions.

Wow I admitted that I cry.

Anyway... I used to cut too, beating myself up when no one was around, collecting sharp objects... anyway I caught myself before things got serious, though I still collect sharp objects... they're just fun.

I also agree with "hello today", this story was really unique, unlike so many of the stories about self-abusers, who just go around saying how they're sad, and then eventually kill themselves anyway. Because I think this is the first time I've read something where the kid survives, and his life gets better, in a realistic way that does not involve unrealistic teen love. This, is awesome. Seriously

Anyway, a really good job on this. Yay. xD