Peace Through Dark PathsA Story by Kawartha Jeff Something I wrote when emerging from my depression and began treatment for the way I felt. It was cathartic and I wanted to share.
PEACE THROUGH DARK PATHS
Sometimes I reflect on how it was I got here. How I got to be an adult with scars and demons but still with a general sense of peace. I was once like most other kids with dreams of being an athlete, making big money, reaping the rewards of stardom with women, riches and living the high life that every boy dreams of. The path to this way of life, I believed, was easy and marked clearly for me so that I would succeed. Life never quite followed the path that I had foolishly envisioned. I am grown now, I take comfort in things I once deemed irrelevant or unnecessary. That moment in a song when the crescendo leads to a triumphant climax of satisfaction and euphoria, or a quiet night with my lady at my side on a stroll down memory lane. These things now bring me the joy that a night of debauchery with the guys would have. I have grown up along my journey. I fill my evenings now with a drink of whiskey on the deck as the sun sets on the treeline in the distance and the crickets begin to speak to one another. This moment of peace is the one I have searched for in life, never knowing what it was that I was looking for but only realizing it in the moment it happened. Akin to an epiphany or an awakening you hear about in religion, I was awoken to the reality that what I had always dreamed of and envisioned happening to me had changed. A fantasy in which I had all the monetary satisfaction and material possessions I needed to be accomplished and happy, but the reality was, I was chasing a distorted view of a dream not knowing that all I desired was peace in my mind. The game of life or obtaining a sense of peace won’t be easy, nor will the map be laid in front of you with arrows leading the way. In fact, the map will be blurry and the arrows that lead the way to happiness will guide you through many other obstacles and paths, all arriving in one spot. Where you are now. This place I am in now, this place of a calmer soul and peacefulness was not achieved by walking a path of ease and simplicity, but rather a rugged search through the low road of darkness with rays of sunshine that poke through periodically. Rays that gave hope that there was something ahead of you if you can just endure the bumpy, densely covered road you are plodding along. Those rays are what enabled me to continue through the dark days that made me want to lay down and submit. The days in which this trip down this dark path had just broken my spirit and encouraged the feeling of giving up. But instead of stopping when I felt pain I continued on buoyed by the rays of joy my sons birth or his first laugh provided, or the marriage to a beautiful woman who held my hand on that dark path and began to show me that maybe the dream I was chasing had led me down the wrong path, was there was another path I could find that would lead me to a brighter dream? It turns out there was. I decided to take control of this dark path and no longer let the fear of what was ahead restrict me or my quest for happiness. I made a left when I should have continued straight and something positive came out of that, then I made a right when I was told I could only go left and again I was led to a path where the light was beginning to shine through brighter. I was now understanding how to better control the darkness in order to gain confidence and head to the brighter paths. I discovered that although I have made wrong turns before, if I focused on what my real dreams were I may just gain the courage to follow the correct paths to achieve peace. Gradually I realized that materialistic things aren’t required, nor the big things. It is the little things in life that compound daily to give you a greater sense of happiness. I will take a day of "I love you" and affection from my family before an extravagant car any day because that is what truly makes me happy. I don’t need a big house for comfort when my friends and family are my support structure that holds me up and shelters me from the winds and rain when the dark path offers me a short cut. Knowing that the dark road will always be up ahead, around the bend waiting for me is intimidating and encourages feelings of anxiety which open doors to dark paths. There is nothing I can do to prevent these dark paths from appearing, sometimes I take it without consciously knowing I have done so. Then the realization that I am there envelopes me and I become scared and feel the urge of submission creeping back like an addicts pangs, it is a struggle to get back to the sunny path that provided me with joy. But I know now that I must search for the rays of light that lead me back, the struggle isn’t as hard when you have been lost on a dark path before and found your way home. I appreciate now that this is what I was looking for, where I was supposed to be. This is where all those dark paths led me to although in the midst of my journey I never quite knew what I was looking for. So if that journey becomes dark and you too feel like rest and submission remember, look for the rays peeking through the dark, covered path and even if it is small, follow it. It is these rays that will lead you to the clearing where the sun is setting on the treeline in the distance and you can watch it in peace, from your deck with a whiskey in hand, listening to the crickets begin to speak to one another. Safe journey my friends. © 2017 Kawartha JeffAuthor's Note
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Kawartha JeffPeterborough, Kawartha, CanadaAboutJust a guy getting back to writing after years away. more..Writing
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