Soul Searching

I could feel it. I needed to think. But not here, no, I couldn't sort out all of my feelings and thoughts in the confines of this room. I pulled on my father's sweats and pocketed my well-worn music player. Softly, I crept down the stairs and pulled the front door open. Silently padding barefoot down the street, I relished in the feeling of small stones pressing into my heavily callused feet. I stopped at the end of the sidewalk, my toes curling over the edge, staring into the darkness that greeted me.

The familiar chain link fence was still there, covered by matured spruce trees. Pine. The smell brought back so many memories that it pushed my feet forward onto the road. Illuminated by the street lamp, I sniffed the air graciously and squished my hardened toes into the grassy earth. I almost paused, but the adrenaline echoing through me compelled me once again. It was pitch black as I walked on the edge of the overgrown ravine. There was no moon tonight, only the faint glow from the countless stars lit my path.

Music was still drilling into my eardrums, tugging at my heart strings like a harpist, putting me on an emotional high. I drifted aimlessly forwards, letting my legs to guide me down the memorized trail and allowing my thoughts wander, but not far, they were still too complex for me to fully understand why they were there, drifting in and out of my mind. Soon the sight of an aged wooden bench was noticeable in the dim lighting. My heart filled with a warm happiness and I broke into a run. All of my thoughts were now zeroed in on that oak bench, I needed to reach it. My life depended on it. Slowing down only when I was a few feet in front of it, my heart pounding, I cautiously walked forward, one hand out stretched.  My eyes closed and a soft smile tugged at the corners of my lips as my fingers grazed the soft wood.

Memories of laughter and love flooded me under my eyelids, I enjoyed these that I had locked into the dark recesses of my mind. But I let myself get carried away, too lost in the stories and suddenly everything flashed red.

Broken.

Pain.

I flinched away from the bench like it had burned me and dropped to my knees. Tears flooded everything, they were in my eyes, my throat, and my heart. My sobbing was caught into the soft fabric of my sweater. Now the only thoughts that echoed in my mind were, "It was your fault, it was before and will always be. Your fault."