The Shocking Truth About Chocolate Bunnies

A fake newspaper article I wrote for absolutely no reason.

    In the darkness of your freezer, they are plotting their escape. You loved them and devoured most of them, and now you've forgotten them. In fact, they are pushed out of your mind so far, you probably haven't the faintest idea what I am even referring to.

    I'll give you a hint: they're chocolately, suspiciously cute creations designed to take over the world, one Easter celebrator at a time.

    They are chocolate bunnies.

    The public is woefully ignorant to the bunnies' true, malicious intentions. In fact, we take the bunnies for fools, assuming always that they are no more dangerous than a hershey's bar or a butterfinger, though, in fact, over one hundred deaths resulted from chocolate bunnies in the US in the year 2007 alone, and those rates are expected to double this year.

    One victim's spouse, Mr. O.J. Simpson, is still shook at the death of his wife by chocolate bunny over ten years ago. And he is not alone: hundreds of other families are still mourning family members lost to the bunnies' brutal attacks. One particularly gruesome case of a bunny committing homicide involved five-year old Sebastian Marthelo, of Seymore, Montana.  He was awarded a tasty Russell Stover's 7 oz bunny on Easter of 2005, by his grandmother in Alabama. He immediately ate of it's ears, greatly angering it, and stashed it in the freezer for later snacking. However, by that night, Sebastian was found dead, stuffed in the freezer pecularily, with his ears chewed off and stuck in his agape mouth. His mother, Kerry Marthelo, was the one to discover him, and still has not fully recovered.

    "The night he was found, I went out to the store and purchased every last one of those despicable bunnies," she said.

    "I took them to a field ate them all, every last bite. But it didn't bring the revenge I thought it would. In fact, all it did was put those 200 lbs I lost on the Slimfast diet back on me."

    In fact, Kerry has now started a support group for family members of chocolate bunny victims, called F.A.B., or Families Against Bunnies. The group has over 300 members, and is growing steadily each year.

    You may now be wondering, what can I do to protect my children from these malevolent beasts? Pr. Lipshitz, a leader in the culinary violence awareness movement, has a few tips to offer.

    "First, refrain from purchasing these dangerous, dangerous things. Chocolate crosses, horses, hearts, demons, and other shapes are generally benign, but we've always had issues with the bunnies. If you happen to have one in your possession, you should immediately either consume it or burn it to a cocoa-smelling crisp, and I mean right away. You mustn't take chances with these things," he warns.

Reviews

[dining alone]

Haha, clever. I like the O.J. reference.

[Noel]

This was hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!