I Bet

I happened to dream
in a wondrous place,
that stood on the edge
of time and space.

The wind ruffled bamboo
seemed to whisper and talk,
to no one other
than our everyday corn stalk.

They whispered of nothing
but better days,
the ones unaltered
by this heated haze.

I traveled past
wandering on,
wondering what else
I'd happen upon.

After I passed
everything happened all too fast,
I was choked and dragged
into a dream of my past.

It swiveled and swirled
right before my eyes,
I strained to listen
for I heard cries.

Drowning in blood
I saw my dad,
screaming for his life
he was all I had.

I awoke with a start
sheeted with sweat,
that was the worst dream
I've ever had, I bet.

Author's Note

Let me know what yo think? Also, if you have any constructive criticism and help, that'd be great. (:

Reviews

[FlawedByDesign]

I'll attempt to add some constructive criticism once again (don't hate me for it - lol)

I like how you've gone from one dream into another. This is possibly part of human nature. Shifting between dreams without waking keeps our nights interesting.

Nice flow and rhymes.

I may be missing the point here, but what does "than our everyday corn stalk." refer to? Is it just a rhyme or a metaphor for something?

Lastly, in the lines,
"Drowning in blood
I saw my dad,
screamed for his life
he was all I had." - replacing "screamed" with "screaming" means the same thing, but screaming is much hard hitting, because it makes the readers feel his pain, as opposed to "he screamed" and the story was over...make sense?

All in all nicely done.

[T]

Wow, you took me by surprise at the end of this one. I liked the rhymes and the way you wrote it with a sort of unpredictable shock to it. Great job.

[Saint Spooky]

This has a beautiful rhyming scheme.
Although it is a bit straight forward.
Try using more subtle hints, it intrigues the reader to look deeper into your work.

[Iota]

I think this poem is excellent and your rhyming skim is flawless. This is really good, I loved it, it is sweet and yet it hits you in the end, it flows like magic and the images painted are superb. Bravo~

[Dream Weaver]

Sweety, this is, how shall I say it? Awe inspiring!!!
Rhyming was magnetic and each stanza better
then the next! Bravo :)

[closed]

I loved the rhyme scheme. And I thought the descriptive words you choose to use made the poem all the better :) Great job!

[R E Tree]

From reading the first stanza I felt welcomed into your mind which made me want to read more. The personification of the bamboo's whispering suits the poem a lot making it sound beautiful to the reader. Suddenly a dream from your past kidnaps you from the beautiful dream. What such horror, it was like a bloody nightmare. But many people can relate to having dreams like this such as myself

[Amelia]

i like the way u set up the whole thing....complety horrible and it suits..............but i should say i had once a same dream....

[Jessica Mai]

This is a fantastic poem. I really really enjoyed it. Everything about it was just great, the flow, the rhyme scheme, your choice of words. Really well done.

[Tina Kline]

This is quite a gripping write. It starts out wonderful, some dreamy wonderful peaceful place then all of a sudden it turns awful, just like a nightmare which in the end the reader discovers. The nightmare being something awful that has happened in real life. I think you did an outstanding job in this, pulling the reader in then the shocking ending. Good job!