Feeder of Innocence

Darkness prowls on the edge of her vision,
twisting and turning she slams to the floor,
all hope gone.

Bound by an invisible chain of fear, she screams,
but sound disappears in a dark,
 hollow room.

Naked she lies,
as prey she falls,
to a man who feeds on innocence.

Author's Note

What do you think? Any constructive criticism would be amazing too! (:

Reviews

[Forever Mine]

Hmmm.... Constructive criticism.... I honestly cant think of any that hasnt already been mentioned below me. This was very dark but good at the same time. I like the darker poems and this defiently kept me reading. Very nice job.

- Forever mine

[Iris Jayne]

Wow. This was super scary. :| Great job.

[FlawedByDesign]

I agree with the previous reviews, but you're after "constructive criticism" so let me bring a couple of things that stick out in my mind :P

Given the tone of the poem, it seems to be you're trying to portray the victim as being engulfed by darkness, am I right? If this is the case, then the very first line "Darkness falls from the edge of her vision" - brings her closer to light if "darkness falls from her vision".
I feel the "sound fades away to nothing in a pitch black room." is a bit weak. I'm sure you can do better :)
Last, a person "feeds ON" something, not "feeds from innocence".

This is just my opinion, but I hope you got some of what you were looking for :D

[Iota]

This is a powerful write it is sad she lost her innocence in such a way it seems cold and heartless. I think you hit the heart of target with a short but concise write. I believe learning meter will help the flow of your poetry, I suffer from not following meter as well. I am currently working it. This is a great write, well done.

[Dillon Cotter]

A great write. You have so much foreshadowing and details with your lines. It helps the reader understand and vision whats happening in your write!

-Will

[Dream Weaver]

Loved it...sadly emotional, Loss of innocence
is unfortunately all to common in this day and
age. Superb write!

[Harry]

I can't help but agree with your other reviewers - this is powerful, gripping poetry.

Padfoot and Ashley both mention your last lines - and this last stanza is beutifully, eerily written. If you want constructive criticism, I think the first two stanzas are a little awkward by comparison to the last.

Please keep producing this work, LookWithin. This is strong stuff by comparison to a lot of the waffle on this site.

I'm marking 80, but mainly because you're more first review, so this is my benchmark now!

[SexyParadise]

Powerful imagery. She shouldn't let that man prey on her innocence though.. haha

[R E Tree]

I think the woman was brave enough to admit and know what is happening to her and how dreadful it is. Some how I get a creepy feeling from this poem especially from that line "to a man who feeds from innocence". Great write, still it's amazing

[PadfootBlack]

Terrifying. Awful. But brilliantly written. Fantastic job, the last 3 lines are incredible.