Dawn

A Poem by Muneeb khan

This poem is all about the ending of our lives how we feel we are growing but actually we are coming nearer and nearer to our death

Joyful ganges no more smiling
Day has ended but not the aging
With every breath our life abates
Because tomorrow a new dawn awaits
Proud mountains no more crowing
Ice has melted but not the ticking
With every breathe we meet our fates
Because tomorrow a new dawn awaits
Shiny luna no more shining
Sun's alive but not the lighting
With every breath we loose our greats
Because tomorrow a new dawn awaits

© 2017 Muneeb khan

Author's Note

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Reviews

Mary Christabel George

Its simple & sweet.
We all look forward to a new day, new beginning, a changed life.
Well attempted.
Keep writing!

Posted 6 Years Ago

JayG

1. Stanzas are to poetry what paragraphs are to prose. They are a form of meta-punctuation, and necessary. By providing only a monolithic block of prose you make it harder to appreciate the poem.

2. You're forcing the line to the needs of the rhyme, and it shows, with such absurdities as a mountain "crowing," and redundencies like "Shiny luna no more shining."

Rhyming is the "tink" of a cymbal to end a thought, and is part of the rhythm we call prosody (also something you need to address) and as such not the focus of the line. So the rhyme needs to seem almost accidental, and the perfect word to complete the thought, not the discordant "clang," of a rhyme for the sake of rhyming.

I would suggest two things: First, read the excerpt from Stephen Fry's, The Ode Less Traveled, on Amazon. It not only serves as a great introduction to structured poetry, it shows how different languages influence how poetry is structured—something that may be behind what I'm noting as being a problem.

Second, for an example of well done rhyme structure and prosody, read Robert W. Service's, The Cremation of Sam McGee:
http://www.shmoop.com/cremation-sam-mcgee/poem-text.html

Posted 6 Years Ago

R.E. Ray

You've artfully balanced the dire reality of death with hope ("tomorrow a new dawn awaits"). Even as we approach death each day, every dawn is a new opportunity, another second chance. Nicely done!