Nightmare

I sank my fangs into her juicy neck, the bloodlust over taking whatever humanity I had left after all these years. The liquid life of this girl was running through my body. Just a little bit more. I don't want to kill her. She tastes too good. I swallowed my last mouthful, took my long fangs out of her neck, and slowly pulled her off me. I wanted to see her face. I saw my eyes reflecting in hers, glowing green, and looked down at my arm with pure excitement. My skin was glowing under the moonlight along with every other vampire in the world.

"Mmm, Nicole..." she said throwing her head back as if she was having the best sex in her life."Don't stop...kill me..." Her whisper was almost inaudible.

An evil smile was on my face. "My pleasure," I whispered in her ear as I made my way back to her neck. Stupid humans, I thought while sinking my fangs into her neck once more. I felt the life leave her body, and shocks of electricity ran through my body. We moaned in pleasure at the same time: she while dying, with me feeling more alive.

When she was completely drained, I dropped her to the floor of the forest and stared at her. I couldn't see her face anymore, the vampire sight having left me. I kneeled next to her so I could see the beauty of her face, her face full of the ecstasies that took over her just before dying. She was no longer the same girl I seduced at the human bar earlier that night.

She was me: my black hair and my blue eyes, wide open, without a hint of the vampiric glow. My pale skin was flat as if I was a regular human. It was me lying on the floor empty of life.

In that moment I woke.

Reviews

[Saturnalia]

The first thing I notice is the capitalization errors and grammar flaws. -Breaks out red pen- Time for the massacre. () = edits

"I sank my fangs (into) her juicy neck(, t)he bloodlust over taking (whatever) humanity (I had) left after all (these) years. The liquid life of this girl (was) running through my body. I swallow(ed) my last (mouthful, took) my long fangs out of her neck(,) and slowly pull(ed) her off me. I (w)anted to see her face. I saw my eyes reflecting (in) hers, glowing green(, and) looked down at my arm with pure excitement. My skin (was) glowing under the moonlight (along with) every other vampire in the world.

"Mmm,( )Nicole..." (s)he said throwing her head back (as if she was) having the best sex (in) her life.( )"Don't stop...kill me..." (Her whisper was almost inaudible.)

An evil smile (was) on my face. "(M)y pleasure(,)" (I) whisper(ed) (i)n her ear as (I) made my way back to her neck. Stupid humans(, I) thought while sinking my fangs (into her neck once more). (I) felt the life leave her body, (and) shocks of electricity (ran through) my body. We moaned in pleasure at the same time: she while (dying), (with) me feeling more alive.

When she was completely drain(ed, I) dropped her to the floor of the forest (and) stared at her. (I) couldn't see her face anymore, the vampire sight hav(ing) left me. (I kneeled) next to her so (I) could see the beauty of her face(, her face) full of the (ecstasies) that (took over) her just before dying. She was no longer the same girl (I) seduce(d) at the human bar earlier (that night).

She was me: my black hair and my blue eyes, wide open, without a hint of the (vampiric glow). My pale skin (was) flat as if (I) was a regular human. (It was) me lying on the floor empty of life.

(I)n that moment (I) woke."

This needs a lot of work. A lot of grammatical rules are ignored (i.e. comma splices, run on sentences, and especially captalization). Also, if this is the girl in the summary, shouldn't she not have fangs? Overall, vampires have begun to bore me because they've been outdone. This story seems intruiging enough alone, but the grammar errors really annoyed me. As a reader I was bored, and as an editor I was flabbergasted. Try to improve your grammar because that's the worst part of this.