An Unwilling Soulmate

For as long as i can remember there has always been that romantic side of me that overdoses on thoughts and daydreams of finally meeting the one that my heart belongs to.

There are books and songs,poems and paintings,it seems love is mans 1 true drug,its sweet euphoric essence shoots thru the body like a rocket giving sensations unfelt before,swarms of butterflies in the gut,weakness of the knees,an inescapable haze that fills the head with delight,intoxicating all of the sences love is only good as long as it lasts,once its gone it leaves behind a bitter sweet after taste causing a withdrawl and hunger for more,either left an addict or a grateful rider of the ride,its really up to the individual.

Its always different thats for sure,at least for me it has been,i now can look back and distinguish the difference between those couple of men i have loved and the ones that were childish infaturations or lust at its best.In any case however as much as i had that part of me that loved love there was that part of me that was scared of it as well and i definately didnt seek it out and in all honesty i wanted nothing to do with it, i was perfectly fine with letting that hopeless dreamer,uncontrolable piscean quality of myself live thru daydreams and thoughts letting me enjoy other aspects of life.

I consider myself beyond lucky to speak of the person im about to because i owe him much more than he could ever realize and with the mention of it the emotions are starting to flood out of me like juice from a freshly bitten strawberry.

He came into my life at a time when my life was at a stand still,living life for sure but not really much was going on, figuring myself out at that moment,my mind was on other things.

You can say he had me at hello, wouldnt be far from the truth because from that hello there hasnt been an end to us,we began friends talking for hours on end,intrigued by what he had to say,making me laugh at even the most stupid of jokes,sharing everything, unintentionally finishing the others sentance or oddly saying the same thing at the same time,a connection, a bond that definately could not be ignored nor denied,opposites that complimented one another like the fit of someones fingers between your own,completeing a overlooked piece of the puzzle that the gods jokingly hid.

Taking time and months that seemed like years  to be realized since he was typically not what caught my eye or interested me, him being a few years younger,straight laced all american boy type with only a hint of a take control attitude if one is willing to dig for it that is.Hair like brown sugar with hightlights of honey,thick full brows that slightly peaked over frames of black,a smirk that framed a full bottom lip,Like a slap in the face one day it hit me,not only was i in love i was deep in love with the person i had least expected,but wait no it cant be how this wasnt supposed to happen without my permission i tried convincing myself trying to rationalize i began to think of the things that would make us not work,they  werent compared in number to the things that would if anything the positive being ten  times greater than the negative i was livid,how does one tell thier friend they are in love with them, it took time to get the words right to actually feel him out to see if he at least felt somewhat the same way as i did ,knowing that if he did he would never make the first move,i musterd up enough nerve and let aside my womanly pride to let him know,looking back i dont think i handled it as well as i would like to write about,fumbling over my words and acting like a cross between a giggling korean school girl and elmer fudd i finally managed to get it all out,he was or at least seemed curious of the possiblity as well so we went from there.

Completely and willing to be his everything  there was a wall that was broken down to my heart that he was the first to cross into,no distrust,no questions,the comfort of us wrapped me like a cashmere blanket,dreams of him layin his head in my lap,as i ran my fingers thru his hair with 1 hand and gently gripping his hand with the other under a swaying willow tree with a lavender and peach swirled sky, kissed by stars on the hill of eternity.
I never felt so safe and secure by hearing someones voice as i did his i could listen to him talk for hours on end of absolutely nothing,yea it was something very special and something that i hold and where it wrong i dont quite know,perhaps my fear of losing him took over and rather than risk it i panicked and let it go,alot was in play certain events took place that led to it,they were things that were important and showed his age and inexperience,it came down to a weekend a choice i let him make without speaking a word and the choice was made and it ended,there was no fight he seemed fine in letting me go and i think that hurt more than anything else had the tables been turned i would have fought for him,but through the pain was an understanding i knew that it was not time for it to move foraward and maybe it would never be,the love was strong enough for me to set aside and let him go but he did not give up on me as a friend and is respected t and i kept my promise to myself and have stayed his friend because in the end that is not worth losing and tho my heart has been his and i believe with all in me that he is my soulmate and no one could love him the way i could,his happiness is,like anyone else  i love is top priority to me and i wont wait around  im grateful for that small moment in time that i got to share with my other half,that showed me what love is and what love could be the part of me that i didnt know i had and what it is im capable of and that its still possible in todays world,only tomorrow knows what is instore and im happy to look ahead.

Reviews

[Wondering Mind]

"perhaps my fear of losing him took over and rather than risk it i panicked and let it go"- It makes me wonder how often and how many have been there?!
A bittersweet write nicely done.

[unspokenguilt]

Great write! i loved it alot of emotion and i'm sorry it took me so longe to review it, i wish i read it sooner.
it's sad yet happy real good that you're content and i'm happy to hear you two are still friends.
thanks for sharing! :)

[She_Saw_Stars]

This is gorgeous. I can completely relate to it.