Blue Eyed Angel

Letter to a love interest

Dear Darling,

My body is safe place for my every thought and my every feeling. You are a permanent occupant of my mind and my heart and when you feel ready to claim it, my physical presence will be right there to show you everything I have been preserving. 

Me being attracted to your body and mind is not something I can control and I am logical enough to understand that your thoughts and your feelings may be preserved for someone other than me, but if you find yourself drinking your morning coffee and for a second your mind flashes an image of my words or my face and you decide that you want to give me a chance, make sure it’s not a decision that you make lightly but feel free to give into it. I will safe keep your words, ideas, thoughts and feelings along with my own so if you ever miss me and crave my touch just know that I am filled with everything that makes you �" you.

I cannot love another set of eyes the way I love every single shade of blue in yours; I cannot appreciate a flirty compliment from another the way I can when it comes from you. I cannot imagine anyone else lying next to me since I have imagined your presence beside me so often and so vividly that when I wake up at times I forget that you were not with me when I went to bed. I cannot allow anyone in my arms from the moment I had your arms around me that one time.

What I am trying to say is this:  You own me without even realizing it or maybe even wanting to, but the way you are stubborn about letting go of your issues is the way I am stubborn of letting go of you.

I am not saying I know you better than everyone, but I do know you way more than you give me credit for.

I know that you make a serious effort to ignore me when you have one of your freak outs.  In the beginning I used to be hurt and confused until I started seeing a pattern and now I am just waiting for your freak outs to be less lengthy and eventually non- existent.

I know that you care by the way you speak to me. You remember things from our conversations that you wouldn’t bother had it been someone with no impact on you. You answer my texts when I need you the most, as if you can feel when it’s ok to ignore me and when it’s not. Most of the times I don’t say that out loud, but the times that I was able to speak to you when you were the only thing that I needed to get me back into the right state of mind was something out of a romance novel. Can you honestly say that means nothing?

I know you need someone who can love you so hard it takes your breath away but at the same time understand that sometimes you only need that love in a form of trust; trust that will allow you to be carefree and wild without needing an explanation for it. You are not a person to be tamed and who ever tries to do it will be very disappointed with the lack of result.

I know your love is a bitter-sweet emotion. Romantically you feel too strongly and too passionately but your love for life is stronger.  Your relationship cannot be sustained on emotion only. You need a mental and a physical stimulant that will make you feel high and excited and if you don’t have that you feel like you have lost a piece of yourself and you start to pull away.

 I have made the mistake of showing you my emotional cards way to soon, way to fast and it’s almost become comical to watch you retreat into your safe zone every time I say something that requires an emotional acknowledgment or response. As much as it should bother me, in some weird way I enjoy it.

I enjoy it because it means it’s getting through to you, and yes I am selfish enough to admit that. I love that my words cannot just bounce of you without leaving a little residue on your emotional state. I love that you cannot just shrug and get over it. I love that you require distance because slowly you started to realize that I am not just saying empty words every time I compliment you. I love all that and more but do you know what I love the most?

What I love the most is that in one way or another you miss me too during your disappearing act. No matter how many times I have crossed that emotional line with you that caused you to feel scared, annoyed or frustrated you always came back. 

Darling, you must know by now that no one is perfect. I say too much at a wrong time, I give one too many compliments at times when you want me to just keep it casual; I ask you on dates when maybe you just wanted to catch up with me through texts and not think about the next step; I am a sloppy drunk texter; I take horrible selfies; I feel way too much almost all the time; I try to include you into my world with details of my life that you don’t care to read about; I haven’t the slightest clue about some of the bands that you listen daily; I don’t come from your pre-approved list of friends; I can be nosy, possessive and way to curious about everything related to you; I have a broken relationship in my past that has left me crippled for anyone but you, but darling I am worth the risk.

I might be a softy and dependent on my emotions to guide me, but please do not mistake that for a weakness. I don’t need you to have a good life. I don’t need you to have fun and laugh. I don’t need you to experience what the world has to offer. I don’t need you to experience sensuality and beauty. I don’t need you but f**k - I surely want you.

I want to fill in the blanks of what I only ever could have imagined before. I want to be able to make you laugh out loud that the people around us start to shush us. I want to see the shade of blue in your eyes when you are tipsy and excited. I want to know what the best way to apologize is when I f**k up. I want to know your favorite color, your favorite childhood memory. I want to see your face when you decide that you will give us a chance- no if ands or buts. I want to know the different types of kisses you have as part of your seduction tool kit �" Sleepy kisses, morning kisses, horny kisses, celebratory kisses, etc. I want to know you so well to the point where hearing your voice will allow me to know the state of mind you are in. I want you to want to know me to the same extent.

I have once done relationship half assed and it is the most torturous experience of my life. The older I get though the more I realize that the mistakes that led to our breakup were a two way street. I thought I loved the person with all my being, but that was not true. I did not allow all my personalities and colors to show and that means I was not completely all consumed with love. It was lust that turned cold after a while on both ends, the only difference being that I never abused the trust whereas he did. In either case, my point is that I am willing to show you all my cards if you are willing and eager to reveal them.

It’s scary as s**t isn’t it? It’s scary to let go off the history and focus on the future. It’s scary to be asked to cross the confines of your safety bubble and allow someone to sweep you off your feet. It’s scary to be asked to learn all the things that make me �" me, but I want to you too. I have never wanted anyone to know me the way I want you too.

I am not trying to put pressure on you, nor am I trying to subdue your wild nature, all I am trying to do is to make you realize the following:

I am here to charm you and be charmed by you; amuse you and be amused by you; learn to seduce you and show you ways to seduce me. I am here to break through your walls until you feel ready to challenge me without fear and let me challenge you; argue with you; be on our worst and best behavior without a second thought of being shy or insecure with each other.

I will continue to push my way through your concrete walls and will continue to build memories with you until one of 2 things happen:

1.    We fall for each other so hard that we don’t want to find a way back to the ordinary life we both lead so well separately;

2.      You decide that I am not at all the person that can make you happy and you don’t want to waste your time even trying.

Before making your decision I just wanted to let you know that I have no idea who you go to bed dreaming off, or whether you are sitting there typing your heart out on a word document for someone who has no idea the type of feelings you have for them, or who pops into your mind when you sigh out loud but I know for a fact that you are worth it. The person that gets close enough to make you smile just by popping up in your mind is one lucky f****r/fuckeress.

If you are not meant to be mine, that’s okay- I still very much enjoy the drug like feeling I get when my mind drifts to you and I truly thank you for making me feel that way for the first time in my life. I can only hope that one day someone special will make you feel that way too, because darling you deserve not to feel lonely and scared. You deserve to experience what the generations before us have moved mountains to find- LOVE.

Your charming and equally frustrating,

Not so secret admirer

Author's Note

Hi,
This is my first time submitting anything online. This is just my way of expressing my deep thoughts to the world.

I hope you are all happy.

Best,

Ms_M.