Left my Heart in San Francisco but My Money in Las Vegas

An Insider's Glimpse into the Marketing Machine of Sin City.

It is no  secret that I have had some interesting things happen to me during the course of my travels.  Even though these stories often involve things such as encounters with men in various degree of undress, drunk construction workers on light poles who carry axes, and even being followed by a very nice but quite addled prostitute in a questionable area of downtown Chicago, I have never felt truly threatened or even remotely endangered.  Perhaps that’s my folly, or perhaps it is because I’ve never entered these situations without being fully aware, or because I have been smart enough to be  accompanied by someone who could become my champion were I to require it.


Any event, many of these nefarious adventures have occurred in the city of Las Vegas.  Probably because I traveled there so often, and stayed for very long periods.  As far as I’m concerned, three days is an adequate amount of time to be in Vegas.  Any longer and you start to feel like a local, weird things start to happen, and you become friends with the local CSI’s.

This is not a story about odd travel adventures however.  It’s about marketing; evil genius marketing actually.  Evil Genius Marketing in Las Vegas specifically.

There are some heavy hitters in terms of consumer marketing in the United States.  Google, Apple and Proctor & Gamble are the first that come to mind.  Compared to the marketeers in Las Vegas however, these guys are rookies.  Those folks in Vegas have the ability to shake down nearly every tourist who passes even remotely close to this little city in the middle of the desert.  The intention of the Vegas Veeps isn’t to get merely SOME of your money.  They aren’t satisfied until they get ALL of it.  And they don’t really care how it comes.  They are perfectly content to turn you upside down and shake you, taking their money one penny at a time.

Now, I’m not complaining.  Nor am I saying this is necessarily a bad thing.  In fact, I have tremendous respect for how capable those folks are at getting people to willingly part from their money, often coming back to do it again and again.  Some even call it vacation.

Actually, if I had an opportunity to do so, I would gladly intern in the executive suites of the Wynn, MGM or even the Sands Corporations for little to no pay.  Bear in mind that I am just past mid-point in my career, so an internship at this juncture is not something I would likely jump at were it anywhere else.  I would just love to sit in on the meetings where they determined which particular air infused scent was most likely to induce compulsive spending, or at what time of night people are most likely to see a long taxi line and elect to stay at their own casino, which is ironically the same time said casino will shut four taxi lanes leaving just one open.  I’d also like to know who it was that figured out that by assaulting literally every one of my senses as I deplane at McCarran, they can create a blank slate of my mind, upon which any marketing message would receive a more weighted consideration.

Interesting side note which is perhaps completely related to the assault-your-senses advertising at McCarran airport (which I now suspect employs subliminal methods):  I do like the entertainment offered in Las Vegas, and have attended many shows during my travels.  On one particular trip however, I found myself sitting at the Thunder from Down Under Male Review.  For the life of me I can NOT tell you why I decided to go see this.  I do not enjoy male strip shows of ANY type (TRUE - Hate ‘em), so if I were to actually pay money to see a show of this nature, it would have to be at the behest of a friend who had twisted my arm, or because I lost a bet.  I was alone.  I had no friends with me.   My arm was perfectly straight at the time.   I had no past, present or future bet on the books.  I had only been in town for one day so I cannot blame any other person, entity or even beverage for this.  I have NO IDEA why I went there.  For the record, I hated it.  The five screaming woman next to me - they didn’t hate it at all.

I can tell you that the rest of this little story is not particularly funny, but I personally find the subject interesting and quite ironic.  I can further tell you that these things mentioned are absolutely true, insofar as I’ve been able to tell at least.  I’m a marketeer by trade.  I’m not too bad at it either.  I cannot, however say that I could, in any way, compare myself to these Giants in the business of robbing a public that seems to find being robbed an expectation in this quirky little city.  Also, i know that large casino operators do not spend one plug nickel unless it has been stringently measured against a very exacting Return on Investment.

A recent slogan from the Vegas Visitors Bureau stated:  “What happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas”.  Most understood this to be a reference to the illicit trysts, and the many sexual exploits which seem to accidentally take place there.

Which takes me on another side rant:  Accidental sex.  Is that even possible?  I cannot really wrap my head around that one.  “Well your honor, I shouldn’t have to pay that amount of alimony because I didn’t have purposeful sex with that woman.  I had accidental sex.”  Does that even fly?  Maybe - guess it depends on the accident-ee.  I do know people who could conceivably have sex accidentally, though they are more acquaintances than friends.  I don’t keep company with stupid people.

Back to topic - Marketing.  Vegas.  Every last penny.  Genius’ I tell you.  Absolute genius'.  Setting morality aside, I must say I have tremendous respect for anyone who can create in someone else a desire AND willingness to be completely screwed, and then later brag about it.


Me?  I don’t much care for being manipulated into parting with my money.  Therefore, because I was so often in this city, and after having had several of the revelations noted above, I must say I’ve gone no less than ten straight days in Sin City without dropping one quarter, let alone one silver dollar into a slot machine.  Nor have I ever played at one of their tables.  The reason for this is two-fold.  I don’t like to waste my hard earned money.  But mostly, it’s because I suck at gambling.  In fact, I’m the girl who inevitably winds up sitting next to the other girl who hits the $1M jackpot, wins a free car, has a free fruit basket delivered to her upgraded room by the hotel’s complimentary massage therapist, and has her picture taken with Elvis.  Not the fake Elvis.  Real Elvis.  Oh - and by the way, that girl would be my girl Carrie AKA Height Reduced Barbie.  B***h just has all the luck. On the other hand, I have spent a fair amount of money on handbags, shoes, jewelry and really REALLY great food.      See what I mean.  No matter what, they get you (me) every time.

So - if ever you find yourself in Las Vegas, check these things out for yourself.  You can weigh the validity of my statements.   While you're at it, when looking for the hotel pool, allow yourself to follow those handy signs the hotel posts to help you navigate the labyrinth of the casino.  Then tell me if you find yourself taking the most direct route, (which is probably about 25 yards to your right), or if those genius’s who make those signs have you wandering those carpet laden walkways which, amazingly, pass by every dollar slot, high-stakes poker room and other machines promising all you can eat love, sex, success, riches, loose women, and fame for the mere price of that silver dollar their x-ray machines says you have in your pocket.  Go on.... put it in that slot machine right over there sugar.  After all, it's just a buck!

Reviews

[Ken Simm.]

This Englishman in Vegas? Please, in these shoes?
Been once, long time ago. You have just proved my point to myself at the time with this really incredibly insightful write. I do love marketing strategies though. Most fun I can have sitting down.

[Baby Ricochet]

I'd love to get my picture with the real Elvis but he died something like 4 years before I was born. Maybe I was Elvis in a former life. That would be so cool. I don't know what I'd do in Vegas. I don't gamble, I don't drink anymore and the brothels are to expensive. All that's left is Vegas shows and I think I represent the whole of my generation when I say I aint going to one one a freakin bet.

[Shelley Holt-Lowrey]

Awe come on. Blur Man Group? You don't wanna drop a hundred bucks to see three blue dudes bang a drum? What's wrong with you man. Then there is Celine, Rita Rudner... Dude! (please know this was a joke)

[Mark]

I was treated to a performance of Phantom of the Opera when I was there in May. Un-flipping-believeable!...and I have seen Blue Man Group, as well. Money is ALL that keeps me from the shows, believe it! But Thunder from Down Under?...Ummm, no thanks!

[Ufi Auttorri ~ UfoAutho..]

Well, I can see it seems to have twisted your brain too. Every time I've had to go there, or through there, it did it to me. No forked tongue served at your table; even if it is staple diet for the locals. I applaud your palette (and your writing). I wonder if they still have satire sheets in the honeymoon suites?

[Shelley Holt-Lowrey]

You so get me. Sighs

[Shimmerbliss/CAF]

Another one I couldn't stop reading. I had to fight the urge to talk out loud to the monitor as if I had some say about the whole thing...weird. This has all the tell-tale signs of your great humor, as well as interesting observations about sin city and the atmosphere and marketing. Here's one for you...a few years ago, the year my daughter turned 21, I had the idea to take her to Vegas for a fun Mom/Daughter trip. I really could care less about gambling (I'm no good either), but I felt like it would kind of be like a trip around the world so-to-speak because it is in a Disneyland sort of way. Well, we thought it would be doubly cool to go in mid-December and see how beautiful it would be all decked out for Christmas and imagined everyone dressed up for the holiday season. WRONG - it was so depressing to see all those people looking lonely and staring, smoking, and wandering. WE had a blast because we were together, but it wasn't the town. I asked someone there about it and they told me that everyday was the same there...I guess that is how it is when it's all about money. My rant - sorry - see what you made me do! ; /

[Rusty]

I just got screwed by a vending machine.

[Shelley Holt-Lowrey]

Had to clean it up. I host minors here.

[Rusty]

Thought it might be a bit racy!

[Gomer LePoet]

Great piece of reporting from a viewpoint of an insider, not a tourist. Have never been there, I too am protective of my monies, but have been curious as many as to what it would be like spending 3 days there. you have completed those thoughts, and I won't be booking any flights soon.
I enjoyed your little sidebar sniplets to be just as interesting, and could see those developing into stories all of their own. :)

[Zeek4]

My god daughter works at Caesar's at the outdoor pool. She made 3 thousand dollars in tips last weekend. There is got to be something wrong with a town that allows that to happen. I'm happy for her, but I just can't relate. My wife and I went there just once to be able to say we did. Not my cup of tea. What I do enjoy though is your writing style, it is so wonderfully readable, smooth, clear and to the point. No matter what the topic the cadence of your work just makes me want to eat it up. Like a good book, it's disappointing when the words come to an end and the reader is left with that final period.

[Chris]

You DO know the Vegas Pro's interned at Atlantic City - least they used too until all the other casinos started popping up near anywhere.

[emmajoy]

Why do i want to run screaming from this place and I'm not even there or indeed, planning to visit! if ever there was a reason to go to the moon, you've just given it. Your analysis is not only sooooooo funnily tongue in cheek, i know its scarily accurate and that people moan and cheer their way to spend money as if it was gulps of air, and those at the top wallow in self appreciation whilst lesser morsels .. sorry, mortals, lose their way to those hand groping thingies into the red!

Great post, thanks for a lesson learned and - laughter all the way to my bank statement.

[Marie]

You're right about marketing strategies. Money is at the bottom of everything, and I have no problem with that. I'm glad you didn't try to deliver a treatise on the evils of gambling--people should be free to do what they want with their money, and if it stays in Vegas, it stays in Vegas.

I can't really understand accidental sex. It's not like hitting a telephone pole. There has to be some thought to taking your clothes off. Of course, if you meet one of those naked men, there's half the problem solved...