Ode to the BarbiesA Story by Shelley Holt-Lowrey The Girlfriendships that get us through the day. I owe much to my girlfriends. I mean MUCH! In fact, I believe this month's payment may be overdue, and if I don't send the check, they may actually go ahead with that blog idea. That we were ever called The Barbies was a happy accident that, though meant to insult, we saw as complimentary. (Mostly because it pissed off the one who so named us.) Note to reader: At times you may find it necessary to either read between the lines, or just scratch your head in what is unclear. The GirlCode requires cryptic and often vague phrasing. The last rule in that code reads: Thou shall not leave any sister's A$$ hanging out! (Really - it says that! I'm not lying.) Dedicated to "My Girls". The ones who have saved me in very many ways, so very many
times. With them I have learned to be better, to reach for more, and to
see the very best in myself.
THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM MY GIRLS (whose names are really not Carrie and Becky and whose real names don't even start with a C or a V. It's true! I'm not lying! ON TRAVEL: Never ever bring an umbrella to Chicago. It hardly ever rains when you do. Of course it will rain when you don’t, but if you tilt your head at a 10% angle, purse your lips just a little and ask very nicely, five bellmen will trip over each other to give you theirs. If that doesn’t work for you, call Carrie. ON GETTING DIRECTIONS: Probably best not to put Shelley in charge of directions. Remember, she is a VISUAL person. She does not do well with spoken instruction. If you fail to remember this, be prepared to become lost. She will tune out after hearing “Go out the door, and turn right.…”. That is all she will hear. She will then focus on the lip movements of the speaker, and will most likely be thinking about hair care products. ON RESTAURANTS: If you forget the above and put Shelley in charge of restaurant directions, be prepared to eat somewhere else entirely. Please note however, she has never failed to find a place where food is sold. Also, those were often the times when the really neat places were discovered, which would not have been discovered if she had not become completely lost. Show of hands: How many people have ever had a family style Greek dinner made by a family of Greeks in Greek Town Chicago? JUST THREE! My point exactly. ABOUT NAKED PEOPLE: If you need to find a naked man, follow Shelley. They seem to follow her. (Why this is nobody really knows.) ON SHUTTING UP: The colors your girls choose for their shoes and clothing is perfect. Always perfect, every time! Yep - always perfect! ON ACCEPTING FREE FOOD / DRINKS: If you are hungry for french fries, follow Becky. She will procure free fries. Just be certain you are prepared to climb out of a 3'x2' bathroom window so as to avoid the gentleman who thought french fries were the gateway to sex. DEFINITION OF SPINNER: If you want to see a man get whiplash while pondering the various sexual positions listed in the Kama Sutra, follow Carrie. You really must SEE this girl. Time passes, but Carrie remains forever 5-1/2”. God Bless America! DISCERNMENT & MISDEMEANORS: If you don’t know the difference between a hooker and a good Samaritan, hail your own taxi. Otherwise, be prepared to explain to the policeman why you were handing a prostitute $5 in cash. OUT OF TOWN SHOPPING: If you need a $12 Rug for your trade show, send Becky. She'll go. Just keep in mind that even though the blocks in Chicago are short, they space the stores very far apart. A $12 rug will cost $12.00, tax, PLUS an additional $287 in cab fare. Also, it will take four hours to procure. Finally, the color will be wrong. ON WALKING IN SOUTH BEACH: One block in Miami is NOT equivalent to one block in New York or Chicago. You could attempt to walk it, but it will suck, and it will always suck. In fact, it will suck all four times. ON HUMILITY: You may think you know all about four color printing and stress management. Until one day you find yourself yelling at the guy behind the quick print counter, insisting that his establishment is sub-standard because none of his printers in his "quick-print" shop work, because you have tried five different times on three different printers to get that damned white logo to print on that damned clear label! And YES! You went to the Silkscreener, but they couldn't DO IT IN AN HOUR so they sent you HERE! And when it eventually dawns on you that not one of the letters in CMYK stands for white, you will slither out the door quietly, leaving your girlfriend at the counter to pay for the blank clear labels you ruined, while trying to explain the effects stress, perfectionism, hormones and humidity have on a 42 year old woman. MORE HUMILITY: Towels are towels. Bathrobes are bathrobes. Rain does not change this simple fact. Ever. Shelley. ON BECKY'S PANTS: Becky’s pant pockets will hold her room key, two cell phones and your lipstick. ON DANCING: Potted lip balm is never acceptable and is therefor prohibited on any dance floor. ON WEARING UNDERWEAR: YES! Especially when going to a dueling piano bar that has a hula-hoop hung on the wall. ON WEARING UNDERWEAR WHILE DATING: Ultimately a personal choice, but know it is unwise to date a USC Alum and expect him to choose wisely between a televised Trojan basketball mid-season game, and a hot girl in a short skirt, working a hula-hoop atop a dueling piano on her 29th birthday WITH NO UNDERWEAR. (Although this would SEEM to be a no-brainer, it really isn't.) ON MARRYING THE GUY WHO WATCHED USC BASKETBALL WHILE HIS DATE WAS HULA-HOOPING ON A DUELING PIANO: NO! ON WEDDINGS BETWEEN SHORT SKIRTED GIRLS WHO HULA HOOP ON DUALING PIANOS AND USC ALUM: yea becky! ON DIVORCE: YEA! BECKY! ON STAYING IN TOUCH: YES! HELL YES! No matter what! Even if it means lying to your boss. (Unless you are self-employed in which case, don't lie to your boss. She'll figure it out eventually.) Thanks for reading. And please, if you take nothing else from this, do not dismiss the important role underwear plays in the success or failure of a marriage. © 2012 Shelley Holt-LowreyAuthor's Note
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24 Reviews  Last Updated on May 5, 2012 Tags: friendship, girls, satire, humor, irony, life lessons, underwear Author
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