Boy was I sad this
morning. A few days ago my son lost another tooth. As is our
tradition, he placed it carefully under his pillow at bedtime in the
hopes of scamming the Tooth Fairy out of a few more bucks.
The following
morning, I awoke to his cry of: "I've been ROBBED!" Apparently the
tooth fairy was a no-show. I looked on my son's bed, and there sat his
poor little tooth in its original
snack-baggie wrapping. My son, however was quite philosophical about
the whole thing. He thought maybe she was just really busy, or that she
didn't have change for a fifty or something. My thought was maybe the
tooth came out after mom was in her PJ's, sans makeup thereby making a
drug store run for a pack of gum and five bucks out of the question.
Maybe, and far more likely, she just forgot completely.
In any event, my son's big heart and empty wallet demanded that he give
her a fair shake, and try again the following night. Ironic as I had
just got paid, but that's a whole different story. His faith was
rewarded. The next morning he awoke to find $6.08, two pieces of gum, a
half pack of skittles, and a hand typed note under his pillow.
The
note said: "Dear Kid, I regret that I was delinquent in payment of your
customary molar fee however, I have had some recent cash flow issues,
and therefore had to secure alternative funding. The deal just closed
this morning. You will find, hereto-forth, your customary $5 molar
ransom, including interest in the form of two quarters, three dimes,
five nickles & three pennies. I've also included additional sundry
goods in hopes of appeasing any litigious intentions you may be
harboring" It was signed "Miss Ing-Tooth".
She did, in fact, leave a five dollar bill along with $1.08 in change,
two pieces of purse lint embedded gum, and a half eaten pack of candy.
I ruminated deeply upon this. My ramblings were such: "Miss Ing-Tooth?!?!"
What the heck happened to the Tooth Fairy? Alternative funding? Does
this mean she sold-out to a private equity firm? What is going to
happen to all the employees working for the Tooth Fairy enterprise,
especially those Marketing people? What will become of the entire Tooth
Fairy institution? What will happen to all of the baby teeth of the
world? Will The Firm begun to standardize its business practices,
reduce costs, streamline processes and increase revenue only to sell in
3-5?" I
was sooooo sad. I realized that even Tooth Fairy, now known as "Miss. Ing-Tooth"
had sold out, re-branded and was probably being retained on contract
requiring her to stay on as a consultant for two more years, in order to
collect her final lump sum payment. Dratted economy!
Then again, maybe it wasn't so bad. I mean "Tooth Fairy" is not exactly
a PC name anymore. Also, a corporate influx of cash meant the
institution would continue with the former Tooth Fairy on staff for as
long as my son had his baby teeth. After that, what did I care
really? We were three molars shy of banishing the ransom demands my
son placed on each baby tooth. I needed only another six or seven
months tops.
Also, I must admit I was impressed, and a bit envious after I figured
out why the candy had suddenly appeared with the tooth ransom. This was
a new practice never employed by the earlier Tooth Fairy tradition.
Some kids got tooth brushes even. Apparently Miss Ing-Tooth Inc.
created a lucrative new revenue stream: Candy + Teeth = Cavities.
Cavities = fillings. Fillings are bound to equal .............. wait
for it ........ gold-into-cash! Wow! Perhaps the equity demons will
solidify the institution of the Tooth Fairy after-all, thereby keeping
it alive for future generations. At least it wasn't being knocked-off
by an overseas company.
After all this, I began to worry about Santa, wondering if HE was still financially solid. I
really need new pair of socks this year! Now that I think on it,
I do recall seeing him on TV a few weeks ago hawking a diet soda
brand. Probably he too is finding it necessary to tighten his big black
patent leather belt, and decided to take on product endorsemens to
shore up his own shrinking portfolio.
Sigh! What a time we live in!
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