Truth in Advertising

A cover letter which is more truth than fiction, and what I really WANT to write as I continue my quest for employment in a field that, though qualified for, no longer serves to satisfy.

Dear Hiring Manager:

As an accomplished Marketing professional, I possess many talents which you will most likely not look at, so I doubt what I say here matters very much at all.   Though I would have you believe I really would like this position, the fact of the matter is this sounds like perhaps the most boring job in the world, and I think that after three months of employment you may find me hanging by my panty hose in a bathroom stall.  But... I need the money so here I am.

In the event you are still reading, following are some of my most recent career accomplishments:

Developed and implemented a business strategy for a start up company.  Truth is, I took an outline from the internet and presented it to the CEO as my own work.  He was so impressed with my presentation that he hired me on the spot.  I copied all of the ideas I found online.  We implemented most of them.   I then spent the next three months promoting my own work, and as this company did not have any decent method of collecting data or creating reports, they could not dispute my findings,  I looked damn good.

Participated in corporate turnaround to realize a 12% increase in annual sales.  Because this company happened to sell disaster preparedness supplies, the fact that this increase was realized immediately after Hurricane Katrina is the most likely reason for the increase, but since I was on-staff at the time, I took credit for it.

Created and launched a highly complex corporate website increasing website traffic by 40%.  OK - truth is, I hired a company to do all the work.  I signed the invoice and forwarded it to accounting.  But I did choose the company.  OK - truth is they were recommended by our graphics firm who has a kick-a*s website, but still...

Implemented a social network marketing strategy which increased website traffic by 40% and new subscribers to social sites by 30%.   (Translation - I opened a Facebook account finally, and I now have 30 friends.)

In my former position, I spent my entire tenure doing nothing but playing Words with Friends and surfing the web, without anyone ever knowing what my job function really was.  This is actually how I found your job posting.  I think this speaks volumes to my ability to convince people that I am worth the investment.  Isn't this exactly what marketing is all about after all?

My resume, which is loosely based on truth, can speak to my other skills.  I am certain you will find it absolutely adequate and no better or worse than any other applicant's resume. For this reason, I put my picture at the top of this cover letter.  I may not be a better candidate, but I can guarantee I am better looking than most of them.  Who hires based on qualifications I say?  Hire me 'cause I am pretty.

I may be reached via any of the media noted on my resume  Thank you for taking the time to review my materials, though I am certain that if you contact me it will be more because of my picture than because of my ho-hum qualifications.

Warm regards,
Shelley Holt- Lowrey



© 2012, Shelley Holt-Lowrey

Reviews

[bob, small b. aka invs]

finally! someone honest in management. i have long believed that actual accomplishment and competence are secondary to flash and appearance of busy-ness. in the old tortoise and the hare fable, management is the hare. looks impressive, rushes around, moves fast, but does little or nothing other than generating things that appear to justify their positions. i really enjoyed your cover letter, but i don't think it will get you many job offers. i'd make the picture larger.

[Shelley Holt-Lowrey]

Laughing LOUDER than you. Thanks much!

[Enid Blake]

Just brilliant - keeping it real! ;)

[That_Girl]

Well I'd personally hire you because I find you hysterical and I'd pay for that kind of comedy... even if you were the shittiest employee and did absolutely nothing to further my company. Hilarious.

[Creepy Swine Guy]

What about the Post Script pointing out the following ...

PS: Once you have hired me based upon my photo, don't even think about trying to get promoted beyond the rank of "Boss/Casual Acquaintance" as sexual harassment lawsuits are very expensive to defend against and can be career killers.

Beyond that ... I give it high marks. Although I doubt society will appreciate you holding this particular mirror up for it to look into.

[Shimmerbliss/CAF]

Oh, Shelley! You are the best at cutting through the BS. Personally, I would hire you based on your gutsiness and honesty! Trouble is, that I have no positions available as I was never very good at BS and was too honest to rise to the top of the business world. I will never forget once when I was in the employment of a large corporation I was handed an 8 inch stack of resumes and told to "find somebody with experience"....hmmm...I'll never forget thinking of all the trouble those people went to to write their resumes and here I was digging through, casting into piles and coming up with a small group that I wondered how much BS was in there qualifications. The interviews were quite strange, as often I wondered if the people appearing were the same ones synopsized in the resumes.
You, my friend, WOULD make a wonderful President! Think of the media you would get in a campaign! Can I help? We could design witty Tee shirts and plastic (good quality of course!) wine glasses with slogans and take long trips to the coast to plan...I am being very tacky I'm sure...but, since I am comfortable with you I am blathering on...hope you don't mind. Do consider a run in 2016! I'll send you a great resume of me for the position of "Your Official Sidekick".

With deep respect and affection,

Shimmer :) (It's a catchy campaign name - makes everybody wonder what the hey)

[Shelley Holt-Lowrey]

Holt-Lowrey and Shimmer in 16! I am in girl! Where did you put the damn wine glasses? And my bikini? Come on ... Surf's up!

[Shimmerbliss/CAF]

What a run that would be! Could we do anything but cheer the country up?! My unconventional past might be a problem - huh hum - but on second thought, that really doesn't seem to be a problem...good media! Even better, we could just start a new Party...how refreshing...the NO BS PARTY! with poetry and witty press releases! I am getting way too into this...

[Shelley Holt-Lowrey]

Me too. Lets go shopping. Need new s****y campaign outfits. Can't get elected if they don't talk crap about us. Ohhh I am so running for office with you!

[Shimmerbliss/CAF]

Boots and Boas! What da ya think?!

[Shelley Holt-Lowrey]

I think we are gonna be really cold. But we'll make the news fer sure.

[Shimmerbliss/CAF]

LMAO! We have to have some clothing in between, most assuredly! I am not what I used to be for sure!

[Shelley Holt-Lowrey]

Washcloth? Fig leaf? NOT SPANDEX!!!

[Shimmerbliss/CAF]

Believe me, I'll be thinking on this! :)

[lee von cleef]

Ho hum one hundred,now do I hear two,bila bama one, now two,who'll giv three,will you make it four, will you make it four?who'll giv four ,once ,I got three ,looking four ,four,twice, at three, bila bama how about four? Sold !threehundred points! Hey bal right sir open the gate,Let the Lady go. In come lot number seventy seven ,Lets start at twenty ,now Five!

[Ken Simm.]

Dear Ms Holt- Lowrey. Are you a bone fide candidate for the position? If so please indicate on the bottom of the Iamwillingtodoanything form No. 4a in the accepted manner. Responsibilities and job outline will follow by return if we can be bothered. Also we would like to take the opportunity but we won't because it doesn't matter anyway. Welcome to the friendly little family firm of Dowe, Cheetham & Howe. (Should be query there) It sounds like you will fit right in.

[lee von cleef]

TRUTH IS TRUTH,when it sits in your heart ,you cant get the J O B .But Pull a lever cold and smooth ,leave the thought at home,become complacent , a cog in widgets' wheel, work a plenty, just look the other way, and take home there pay.

[Shelley Holt-Lowrey]

Sounds like Anne Rand's motor factory. Truth here!

[lee von cleef]

I like Ann, she like you will make the gears shift in a readers mind ,not just a snap shot, a 360 , spin!

[Shelley Holt-Lowrey]

WOW! OK - I am your fan for life!!!

[Shelley Holt-Lowrey]

Anyone who knows her is an instant soul companion - but to liken us - well, again - anything for you mister!! Highest compliment ever!

[Pax]

hahaha..lol
very funny and quite true in a comical way.
a great sense of humor on reality of things.
well done.

[Heli]

I like it and I think this kind of people are everywhere! Funny!

[Tate Morgan]

Well as you seem to have a knack of being in the right place at the right time You are hired in the hope that your intuition will work in our favor