V-Injury

A poem I wrote for the love of my life, Melanie around 3 months before she sadly passed away...
(03.01.66-21.02.23)

"V-Injury"

I could have easily died, that night you nearly died/
There was fear in my eyes, with the tears that I cried
It hurts cause I tried, & made worse cause they lied/
In the world there is a lurgy, like a curse on mankind
So like most of my kind did, you went and got three/
Whilst saying that you didn't, I just could not believe
Then my child did the same, like how could I be mad/
But when the heart attack came, it lit flame like a match
What I felt was so sad, those damn jabs are the devil/
Your mum & dad could have lost, what is loved & is special
Whether duped or coerced, it really doesn't matter/
There's Dark Magick at work, & it's about to get Blacker
To many I am like a rapper, just a poet with a pen/
As for them I have a knowledge, that you couldn't comprehend
I warned my friend just for them, to ignore what I said/
From the hospital bed close to death, to a lifetime on meds.

Copyright 2022 The Elusive Mr Dunne
(All rights reserved)

Reviews

[Debra K Middaugh]

Mr. Elusive Dunne, WOW. I was held captive from beginning to end. Hats off to you sir. I agree dark magic gets darker. Some will never know that darkness. Thank you, much to think about.
Best Wishes,
Turbo1904

[Coffee Vampier]

People have paths that they need to grow from. Not because we made them or because we didn't sometimes there's damage. I like that you were able to put this out here. No one always like what they want to hear and perception is wrong a lot of the time. I hope you understand i don't what to take this out of context but putting this out there was brave and I hope to god the darkness walks away.

[Betty Hermelee]

I'm trying to figure out what the number three means to each one....it seems you were having a heart attack and....and someone else was in distress... then you speak about Dark magic at work, perhaps causing this madness....you were also on medicines for many years.... but death took over...was it the devil at work?
Best, B

[Betty Hermelee]

would love a review of my work!
Thanks, B

[JayG]

First, if you're going to embrace rhyming poetry, then you have to accept what comes with it: Centuries worth of refinement and development. If you begin with a triplet you need to continue with that structure.

And stanzas are to poetry what paragraphs are to prose.

But of the most importance, poetry isn't the poet talking about the poet. In this, someone unknown is talking TO someone unspecified, about unknown events. So the reader hasn't a clue of what's going on. You open with someone unspecified reporting that they nearly died in an undefined way on the night that someone else "nearly died."But of what? There's a huge difference in emotional content between someone nearly dying of overdose, of a car accident, of a miscarriage, of covid, or... But you give not a hint.

So, with no idea of who's talking, or what they're talking about, what's in it for the reader? They come to be entertained, by being made to feel and care. But, what can they say to being told that somewhere, there's a "lurgy," but "Huh?

It's a LOT more to poetry than tossing in a rhyme here and there, and talking about yourself. So digging into what makes poetry what it is makes sense. A good place to begin is with Mary Oliver's, A Poetry Handbook. You can download a readible copy here:
https://yes-pdf.com/book/1596


Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

[Hayllie]

I love writing like this when you can see the story behind it. Beautiful write!

[JessyJacob]

i too can write like you, learning from you, i just write, but your explaination is crystal clear, nice write, will keep it as secret read to for future.

[W. Barrett Munn]

I think if you go for set rhythm with end rhymes you have to go all out and make it perfect-perfect meaning that the lines read as if they just happen to rhyme, not that they were forced to rhyme. That’s my take, anyway. It is extremely difficult to accomplish and for most requires lots of revision. That’s my experience for what it’s worth.

Winston