Love?

This is something i wrote before to someone else, thought i could share it

Please, I love you with all my heart..
You are everything I have <3 xxxx
Please promise me you won't leave.
I would die for you <3
I would lose everything for you
I would do anything for you
You are the only person I love...
heres a story for you...

There was a boy who was young, kind and honest. He was
a really sweet guy who had a good life. He found the girl
he loved her. A year prior to them dating his Best friend passed away
then his auntie a few days later. He was in a wreck, then a year passes and
his girl dumps him, the only thing is... she didnt tell him
herself .. she got his friend to tell him its over..
over text....
He was devastated, and it being the year aniversary of his best
friend and auntie he fell into a black whole of depression.
He started slowly losing his mind, hearing voices in his head
seeing things. talking to himself while looking into the corner of
his room and rocking.
His family didnt notice, nor did his friends and teachers. He kept it well
hidden. all the scratches he managed to hide.
He went from citizen of the year in year 7 to falling downhill since then.
he is now in year 10 and is failing everything. He's smart but doesnt try.

He stopped loving for a while then he had a relationship which ended
within a month because... well.. he never got an answer why.
He then decided to try take his life, he took tablets and tried to starve
himself. but it got too much, drove himself over the edge he was going crazy.

His mother found out, tried to get him help, he got help from a cousellor/therapist
he managed to get his life back on track. A few other things happened like one
of his other friends being hospitalised, this left him broken and scared
because of the friend he lost.
But he met this awesome guy, someone who he started to like but couldnt say,
it wasnt until they messaged each other that their feelings were revealed
they really liked each other so they started dating.

They broke up a few month later over a lie, The boy who lost all those people
still is heart broken to this day, He doesnt have many people left so he stays
our of love....

© 2016 Cameron Wilkinson

Author's Note

Its about me, something i wrote, the boy who lost his auntie ect is me..
I don't want people to feel sorry, i just want to share something that means a lot to me
so yeah..

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Reviews

JayG

• A smile settled in on your face

What can that mean to someone other than the unknown person this is addressed to? To a reader, someone unknown, of unknown gender, age, and situation, has just told someone we haven’t been introduced to that they love them, for unknown reasons. So? Lots of people I don’t know say that every day. Unless it’s someone I at least know something about—someone YOU make me know more about—there’s no reason to want to know more. Remember, there is NO second first-impression. And if the reader turns away here, you wasted the time to write the rest.

• But I saw a smile that was out of place

So this unknown pair ended up breaking up. So? How does the reader know it’s not the speaker’s fault? Answer…they don’t, and have no more emotional involvement than I do with the people passing my place in cars this day. Never lose sight of the fact that you're trying to supply the reader’s need to be entertained, not informed. They want an emotional experience, not to read a letter for which they lack context, complaining about unstated events that may or may not be the fault of the speaker.
At the moment, you’re talking TO the reader about things which are meaningless to anyone but the one this is addressed to. But readers want you to make them feel, and care, not nod and say, “Uh-huh.”

And…a smile that's "out of place?" That would be one that’s not on the mouth, which makes no sense. Remember, your reader doesn’t know that you stated it that way because you needed a rhyme, and that you really mean that the smile was false.

• A forced grin you show as you hide your lies

Ahh…like Yoda you talk. Never do that, you should.

Here’s the thing: NEVER force the line to the needs of the rhyme. Never. It’s obvious to the reader. And in any case, the purpose of the rhyme in structured poetry is to add an accent, so, it isn't the focus. The idea is that it’s the perfect word for the thought being expressed, and that it rhymes seems almost accidental.

One of the problems the hopeful writer faces is that because we’re given a set of techniques for the skill our teachers called writing, we leave school believing that we have a skill that’s useful in all writing disciplines and situations. But we don’t. In school, we spend more than a decade writing and practicing, primarily, with reports and essays—in other words, nonfiction writing. But those skills are useless for poetry and fiction because they’re fact-based and author-centric. And since only you know the emotion you want in the narrator's voice, it is, and must be, as dispassionate as any other report.

Both poetry and fiction share the same goal, and so, have a set of writing techniques very different from nonfiction. Our goal, as E. L. Doctorow so wisely put it: “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.” No way in hell can we do that with nonfiction writing skills. To achieve that, requires a methodology that's emotion, not fact-based

So…some suggestions:

1. Head over to Amazon to read the excerpt to Stephen Fry’s, The Ode Less Traveled. It will tell you things about our use of language that will have you saying, “How can I not have seen that?”

2. Visit Shmoop and chew through some of their poetry study guides, to see how the pros do it:

https://www.shmoop.com/study-guides/poetry

If fiction is one of your goals, take a read of Dwight Swain’s, Techniques of the Selling Writer. It’s an older book, but still the best I’ve found. And, it’s out of copyright, so it’s free. The address of an archive site where you can read or download it is just below. Copy/paste the address into the URL window of any Internet page and hit Return to get there.

https://archive.org/details/TechniquesOfTheSellingWriterCUsersvenkatmGoogleDrive4FilmMakingBsc_ChennaiFilmSchoolPractice_Others

This wasn't what you were hoping for, I know. But the problems you face will be invisible to you, who have context and intent guiding your understanding as you read your own work. And since we can’t fix the problem we don’t see as being one, I thought you might want to know.

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

Posted 3 Years Ago

• A smile settled in on your face

What can that mean to someone other than the unknown person this is addressed to? To a reader, someone unknown, of unknown gender, age, and situation, has just told someone we haven’t been introduced to that they love them, for unknown reasons. So? Lots of people I don’t know say that every day.  Unless it’s someone I at least know something about—someone YOU make me know more about—there’s no reason to want to know more. Remember, there is NO second first-impression. And if the reader turns away here, you wasted the time to write the rest.

• But I saw a smile that was out of place

So this unknown pair ended up breaking up. So? How does the reader know it’s not the speaker’s fault? Answer…they don’t, and have no more emotional involvement than I do with the people passing my place in cars this day. Never lose sight of the fact that you're trying to supply the reader’s need to be entertained, not informed. They want an emotional experience, not to read a letter for which they lack context, complaining about unstated events that may or may not be the fault of the speaker.
At the moment, you’re talking TO the reader about things which are meaningless to anyone but the one this is addressed to. But readers want you to make them feel, and care, not nod and say, “Uh-huh.”

And…a smile that's "out of place?" That would be one that’s not on the mouth, which makes no sense. Remember, your reader doesn’t know that you stated it that way because you needed a rhyme, and that you really mean that the smile was false.

• A forced grin you show as you hide your lies

Ahh…like Yoda you talk. Never do that, you should.

Here’s the thing: NEVER force the line to the needs of the rhyme. Never. It’s obvious to the reader. And in any case, the purpose of the rhyme in structured poetry is to add an accent, so, it isn't the focus. The idea is that it’s the perfect word for the thought being expressed, and that it rhymes seems almost accidental.

One of the problems the hopeful writer faces is that because we’re given a set of techniques for the skill our teachers called writing, we leave school believing that we have a skill that’s useful in all writing disciplines and situations. But we don’t. In school, we spend more than a decade writing and practicing, primarily, with reports and essays—in other words, nonfiction writing. But those skills are useless for poetry and fiction because they’re fact-based and author-centric. And since only you know the emotion you want in the narrator's voice, it is, and must be, as dispassionate as any other report.

Both poetry and fiction share the same goal, and so, have a set of writing techniques very different from nonfiction. Our goal, as E. L. Doctorow so wisely put it: “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.” No way in hell can we do that with nonfiction writing skills. To achieve that, requires a methodology that's emotion, not fact-based

So…some suggestions:

1. Head over to Amazon to read the excerpt to Stephen Fry’s, The Ode Less Traveled. It will tell you things about our use of language that will have you saying, “How can I not have seen that?”

2. Visit Shmoop and chew through some of their poetry study guides, to see how the pros do it:

https://www.shmoop.com/study-guides/poetry

If fiction is one of your goals, take a read of Dwight Swain’s, Techniques of the Selling Writer. It’s an older book, but still the best I’ve found. And, it’s out of copyright, so it’s free. The address of an archive site where you can read or download it is just below. Copy/paste the address into the URL window of any Internet page and hit Return to get there.

https://archive.org/details/TechniquesOfTheSellingWriterCUsersvenkatmGoogleDrive4FilmMakingBsc_ChennaiFilmSchoolPractice_Others

This wasn't what you were hoping for, I know. But the problems you face will be invisible to you, who have context and intent guiding your understanding as you read your own work. And since we can’t fix the problem we don’t see as being one, I thought you might want to know.

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

Rating /100