Yak

Sometime it makes me sick
reading your old emails and notes
I'm not sure which part is worse
--feeling hurt that you would lie to me
or that I believed the words
...even when I knew better

After a while, hearing the same things over and over
with a certain level of sincerity appearing in your eyes
It is a wonder how it picks at that place in my heart
where I cannot tell if it is a scab slowly crusting again
or a hole in a wall of defense needing patched again...
I wonder if you believe in the things you say
:::I love you more than (life itself)...:::
---All I want is to hold you in my arms again---
///I will never hurt you [again]//
or if I merely want to believe it,
and so let it affect me this way;
Though the same phrases surface from your mouth
new sentiments are attached behind that flat
slightly glazed gaze
which pierces sometimes and bounces others.

Sometimes it makes me sick
thinking that you believe yourself
and knowing that I surely did.