Unafraid

If love is the creation of something new, and death the opposite, which outweighs the other?

The lamp on my bedside table set the mood nicely, casting a warm orange glow on my bedroom. Climbing under the cool sheets of my bed, I sank back into the mound of pillows behind me. I picked up the small pile of papers on my bedside table. It pained me to even look at these anymore. My sister Adina had been killed only two days ago, and the emotional wounds were still fresh. I shuffled through a couple of the papers before coming across the fourth or fifth poem, “The Knocking from the Coffin” by Adina Douglas. I stared at the title for some time, not able to bring myself to read it again. Adina had only just finished it, and she had told me that she was going to read it this last weekend. It was one of my favorite pieces.

I sighed, staring at the words of the poem, thinking that if I stared long enough, I could still hold onto a piece of her. One line always stuck out to me, but now it was all too vivid. “All good endings leave some things unanswered,” I read it over several more times before shutting off the light and willing myself to sleep.

I must’ve fallen asleep at some point because the sound of a text message woke me. I rolled over and grabbed for my phone, shielding myself from the glaring light. Grayson had texted me.

“You can’t sleep all day S! Call me before you go to work <3 "GK.”

 This one was stacked on at least 5 others from the weekend I hadn’t replied to. I wasn’t ready to put anything to words quite yet. Sitting up, I looked over to the clock, 1:33 PM. I slumped back into bed, disgusted with myself for sleeping so late. Now I wasn’t going to get anything done. My shift was in 4 and a half hours. After another few minutes of berating myself for sleeping so late I dragged myself to the bathroom. I locked the door behind me and grabbed the knife I kept on the sink counter. I ripped the shower curtain away, stabbing the air behind it with the blade of the knife. Putting the knife back in its place, I stripped the jeans and t-shirt I had slept in and slipped into the shower. When I got out I grabbed a towel, sopping up the water from my chest as I stood in front of the mirror. My hair fell to my shoulders in clumps, sticking together like little herds of string.

Unlocking my bedroom door, I found my poor excuse for a kitchen and poured a small cup of orange juice before fetching the paper from the hallway. Sitting down at the table, I stared out into the city. The sun had just come out, trying to do away with the puddles that gathered where the road dipped. I sipped my orange juice and flipped through the paper. I immediately went for the obituary section from the past weekend, hoping my parents had gotten Adina something. I found her picture quickly.

“Adina Douglas dies at age 27. The Chicago native was killed this past weekend from cyanide poisoning at the Ink & Brew Café during a public reading. The family asks for thoughts and prayers.”

I cut it out and pinned it on the bulletin board I kept on the wall. I looked over all the obituaries that I had saved, making a mental note for all 13 of them. I thought I had known death so well. I had prepared for it in every way, thought I knew how to avoid it entirely. I always believed that when someone died in my family it would be rather painless seeing them go. I was never the most emotional person, but this felt as if I was being stabbed with a dull blade.

Before I knew it, it was almost time for work. Working felt like about the worst idea in the world at the moment, but I had to keep myself busy. The less I thought about it the better. Grabbing the bag that held my work clothes, and my bike by the door, I headed out. I locked all four of the locks behind me.

Soon I was behind the register, smiling politely at everyone I checked out. The work didn’t require much focus, so I always kept a watchful eye on the door for any suspicious activity. I was trying to explain to an elderly woman why we didn’t carry her favorite shampoo when I saw something out of the corner of my eye from the front door. I shrugged it away, politely telling the woman that she might want to try the store across the street. I couldn’t shake the feeling of being watched. I kept the long line of customers moving, trying to forget about it. Images of my sisters’ face in the obituary section flashed through my mind. I could feel my heart rate rising, about to tear through my shirt. Just then, strong hands gripped my shoulders, and a harsh voice whispered in my ear, “You smell gorgeous sweetheart.” I screamed, twisting around and placing a fist right in the gut of my attacker.

My eyes widened, “Grayson! I’m so sorry, don’t scare me like that!”

Grayson was laughing now, “It’s fine Sophie, you’re fine. That was my bad, it was a little much I know.” He doubled over again, groaning, “But Jesus, can you punch. Where have you been all weekend? You haven’t answered a single one of my texts! I was getting worried about you.”

There was a noticeable cough of annoyance from across the register. “Gray I’d love to talk but I’ve got to get these people checked out.”

“It’s fine, let’s just go stock some shelves or something. Jake!” Gray yelled over to the break room, “Get off your a*s and come man the register!” Gray smiled at me, “See? Problem solved.”

I rolled my eyes, “Let’s walk,” I said, leading the way.

“So what’s going on S? We haven’t talked since Friday.”

I walked in silence for some time, unable to formulate the right words. Standing in the middle of the soda aisle, the thin veneer of toughness I had been trying to uphold was broken, and a flood of tears finally came.

“My…” the words caught in my throat. “My sister Adina was killed on Saturday night, at one of those public readings,” I said quietly, tears streaming down my face.

Gray’s face dropped, crashing from his everlasting supply of smiles. He pulled me in tight, “S**t, Sophie…”

“She was poisoned. They’re not sure how but "“

“Shh, we need to get you home Sophie, you shouldn’t be at work.”

I was thankful for Grays shoulder to muffle my sobs as he punched me out and brought me back to his apartment. It was good to finally let it all go.

Back at the apartment, we sat on the couch, wrapped up tight in a blanket and watching reruns of Seinfeld. I grabbed for the remote and shut it off. I looked up at Grayson, he was dozing off. I squeezed his hand tight. His eyes opened halfway, questioning me.

“The funeral is this Wednesday, will you please come with me?”

Gray nodded slightly before falling back asleep.

I was wide awake, nothing that had transpired in the past few hours seemed to make sense. The way Grayson had scared me back at work…he’s never been able to scare me like that before. I mean he’s tried it a million times on me and it never worked. But something was different today. Grayson walked with a bit of a different gait, his embrace was more distant. He felt like a different person, and yet when I stared into his eyes I saw only the man I had come to love so easily in the past year.

I loved Grayson. I trusted him with my life. But something still nagged at me. I got up from the couch, going to the kitchen to grab a cup of decaf. I walked about the apartment sipping my coffee in sweatpants and one of Grayson’s T-shirts, having gone straight from work to Gray’s apartment. I gravitated to his bedroom, sitting on the edge of the bed and staring out the window. I took in the lights and beauty of the city stretched out before me. As I finished up my cup of decaf, something caught my eye. The glint of a shiny photograph sticking out of the drawer of Gray’s nightstand made me look twice. I slid the photograph out, and Adina’s face stared back at me, her arms wrapped around Grayson’s neck.

Three loud knocks pierced the silence. I shoved the picture back into the drawer, spinning around. Grayson stood in the doorway, smiling.

“What’re you doing S? I thought you went to sleep,” he said sweetly.

“Oh, I was just enjoying the view of the city,” I said. “Couldn’t sleep.”

“Why don’t you come back to the living room S? They just added a great movie to Netflix and I thought we could watch it.”

“Gray, I have work in the morning and I really think it would be best if I slept at my own place tonight.”

“But " “

I flew past him, grabbing my bag and walking out the door.

“Love you Gray, talk to you tomorrow!” I yelled over my shoulder.

Back at my apartment, I walked back and forth in the kitchen. My heart was still racing. Why would Gray have that picture? I mean, now that I think about it Adina was always pretty secretive about her love life. That was the last thing she ever wanted to bring up. But Grayson? She would’ve had to have said something. Unless…maybe she had tried to tell me something. She had been acting really odd the last time we met up for lunch. I thought she was trying to tell me something but I wrote it off. Perhaps she was trying to warn me. And now she was going to be in the ground just a few days from now.

I still couldn’t wrap my head around it. If Grayson really did kill Adina, was I next? I don’t even know if he really saw me find that picture. If he thought I didn’t know he killed her, he would have no reason to target me next. There was no way he would ever do that. Every time we talked I could tell he loved me deeply. I love him deeply.

The funeral snuck up much too quickly. I guess that’s the thing about funerals, no one is ever ready for them. They pop out at you like falling glassware and no one is prepared for it (least of all the glass) and in that split second life around you ceases and the only thing on your mind is trying to catch it before it reaches the ground. For a split second I was able to stop thinking about Grayson, and give my full attention to my sister.

I was numb for the better part of the funeral. The pastor’s words felt empty and meaningless, void of any real emotion and I felt much the same. Grayson sat beside me in the front row, arm around my shoulder. I stared straight ahead, no tears in my eyes, only thinking of all the things I would miss now that Adina was gone. No more escaping to her beautiful apartment that smelled like vanilla and open arms. No more reading her endless stream of drafts. No more monthly lunches. No more Adina.

As the pastor finished up, I looked over to Grayson sitting beside me. He was staring straight ahead, little emotion in his eyes. As the casket was being lowered, he grabbed my hand and squeezed lightly.

Late that night I sat with Grayson in my kitchen, talking about the funeral.

               “Gray,” I said. “You never saw my sister with me since we’ve been together. But did you ever know Adina before…”

“I know you saw that picture Sophie,” he said. “We went out a few years ago. It was only for a few months before she decided I wasn’t good enough for her.”

              “We’ve been going out for over a year Grayson! How have you never told me this?”

              “Sophie, I didn’t realize you were here sister when I first met you. You’re different S. I love you. I just never thought it was right to tell you.”

              I sighed, “Gray this is crazy. Adina just died. You think now is the right to tell me about this?”

              I looked him in the eyes, they were so sincere, so loving.

              “You were the one that decided to snoop around my apartment, bringing this up now is not my fault,” he said.

              “Why do you even have that picture still?” I asked.

              “I…I just wasn’t ready to,” he trailed off.

              “Ready to what!?”

              “I wasn’t ready to let go. I thought now that she was gone it would be easier. I’d stop seeing her face everywhere I go. Stop seeing her in you.”

              “Did you kill my sister Gray?”

              He was silent. The one thing I didn’t want to hear. Silence. It told me more than I needed to know.       

              After a while, he finally spoke up, speaking in as sweet a tone as ever, “Alright Sophie, it’s getting late and I have work early tomorrow. I’m going to make you some hot chocolate and then I’m going to head home and get some rest. I hope you do the same.”

              Grayson went to the kitchen, warming up milk in the microwave and pouring the chocolate powder into a mug.

              He walked over to where I sat, handing me the mug. Steam danced off the top of it, spiraling into the air. He cupped my chin between his thumb and index finger, leaning in close to kiss me. His lips were soft, but they pulled away quickly. “Hang in there Sophie, you’ll get through this one way or another.”

              Grayson walked to the door, grabbing his pea coat and throwing it over his shoulder. He stood in the doorway, looking back at me.

              “Just remember Sophie, all good endings leave some things unanswered. You’ll get your answers soon enough.”

              Grayson winked and slipped out the door.

              I sat there on the couch, clutching at the mug in my hands. I stared straight ahead. My head was swimming with thoughts. I tentatively sipped at the hot chocolate, enjoying its warmth. What on Earth could I do? I couldn’t believe this was actually a question I was asking myself. Logically I should be calling the cops this instant, it was what Adina deserved. But still, when I felt his lips against mine I felt safe. I didn’t want to lose that. But even if I called the police what would I tell them? I had no real evidence, no concrete reason to believe Grayson had killed her.

              Adina’s poem The Knocking from the Coffin was on the coffee table in front of me. I read it over again, foolishly hoping I might find an answer. “All good endings leave some things unanswered.” I read that same line over and over. Flipping back to the front of the poem, I looked at the top of the page. The Knocking from the Coffin by Adina Douglas. I dropped the

paper, staring at it as it floated to the floor. That was it, Adina was trying to tell me something at lunch that day and was still looking out for me, even in death. It was right there in the title of her poem. Knocking, trying to send me a signal from the grave.

              I had to get away from Grayson. Staying with him was too dangerous. The obituary pinned to my bulletin board was a testament to that. But I couldn’t turn him in either, I loved him too much to be the one to put him away forever. I could only hope he would either see what he’s done and turn himself in, or let the police do their jobs. I couldn’t risk getting even more tangled up in this mess.

              I finished the hot chocolate Grayson had given me and went to bed. A lot was about to change and for once it felt like I might have all the answers.