Crops and Crows

A story about the world we live in and the scary things in it.

As soon as I drifted asleep, the ragged figure appeared and flashed closer to me. What I couldn't do was let him catch me...Closing in, closer. I turned around to see him coming faster than ever. I broke into a run, urgent now, until my breath was taken from me by his grasp.

   I awoke to the sound of sizzling fat and the sound of my still desperate breath. I muttered something unrecognizable under my heaving lips. I was now sprinting down the stairs stopping only to pick up my clothes. I paused at the bottom of the stairs to put them on before I burst into the kitchen.

   Then I was in the dining room, in my little plastic chair. The smells filled my nose and my chomping mouth. The cold burned my still fragile skin. Melting, and then dripping onto my already soggy gloves. The plants sprung up around me, and then flourishing in the summer heat. The amber leaves trickled into my vision, replaced by a frost of brittle ice and snow.

   A year had passed. I was older, taller but still as afraid as 365 days before. My father, I never knew him or even what his face looked like. Ma said he was coming home. That was what really scared me. His ragged clothes and the sack over his thin body. In my many dreams I come home and he's there. A long sleeve shirt to cover his war torn body. He looks up. "Son?" his fragile and haunting voice demands. He reaches out his wire-like fingers as if to embrace me. His body morphs into a crop protector; a thing for scaring crows. His flesh puffs out into a bag over his head. Beetles crawl from his eyes.

   This time, I jump out of my bed. I get up to walk to the kitchen only to flop back onto my comforting bed. My eyes wide open so not to fall back into the hell that was my dreams.

   A walk through the fields opened my eyes. My father's way to redemption; Step by step. With my mother beside me and my dog chasing his tail in the distance, my eyes fell onto the wind swept crops. The wind shook and a shadow fell over me. I looked up to a scarecrow.

   This was nothing to be afraid of. I was the crops and he was here to protect me. Why was I scared of my protector? My eyes had been opened to the real scary things in this world, which my absent father was not one of.

   My mother called me in the distance where my dog had been not five minutes ago I walked towards her slowly. Then sprinted back to pick up my revolution that just took place in my mind. I then ran back to my mother and hopefully my beloved scarecrow of a father.

Author's Note

If you enjoy please tell me so and if you didn't tell me why.

Reviews

[Konnie]

This had a really bittersweet toone to it. I really enjoyed it because of the attention you gave to detail and imagery. One of my favorite parts was when the father morphs into the scrarecrow; you killed that description. :) As for what needs work, I would probably split this into paragraphs, even just two would suffice. Also, it seems like you might have tried this, but you say the kid grew a year and you should reflect that in the writing. He's obviously becoming more mature in how he sees his father, so try to mature the syntax and word choice. You did this a little in how you strayed from the beginning "I (verb) (object)" sentences, but I think you can take it farther. A very good story overall. :)

[MrRobato]

I tried to put it into paragraphs but it's really awkward on here...
I managed it on wattpad though. http://www.wattpad.com/20502757-crops-and-crows

[Nick.B]

Interesting story, felt really sorry for the kid (at least he has his world) great imaginary, maybe a little more detail, but still it's good, great job

[MrRobato]

Thank you! :D

[MistyKarma]

Your imagery is nice and I especially liked the first three scenes the character was in, how quickly he shifted from one to another. I also like the part where you say he is the crop and his father was the scarecrow there to protect him.

[MrRobato]

Thank you! :)

[Angel]

To me, it feels like a glance into a child's mind. His father has been away at war...probably for so long his memories of his father are hazy. He and his ma have been alone on the farm for quite some time, but now, his father has served his time and is coming home... Perhaps the kid has seen pictures of his Dad, sent home from where ever the war is...and in them, he has become thin, a wasted shell of a man. The idea of this man whose life has been about killing on the battlefield coming home and taking a father's place in the boy's life terrifies him.
Perhaps you could develop the story a bit more, kind of make it a bit clearer...but I wouldn't mess with it too much. As it is, we see the child's mind...it is a very unique kind of a story. If you mess with it too much, it will work into just a run-of-the-mill yawner. I kind of like the "chomping mouth" reference...it is so very much the way a kid thinks.
Yes, it does need maybe a bit of work. But not so much that it loses it's child-like approach.
Good luck with it!

[MrRobato]

Thanks! I'll try to use your advice when I can :)

[Christopher Angel]

While reading it, I couldn't help but feel that the character was either dreaming or dissociating seriously from reality.

Your use of imagery is good and the first paragraph does a good job of making the reader want to read more. There is a sense of urgency and curiosity pertaining to the condition and state of mind of the character.

The paragraphs need to flow into each other a little better though otherwise some readers won't be able to follow. It's interesting but rather disjointed - I'm not sure if that was what you were going for but it'll be useful for the reader to have a little more context.

Of course, if you intend to build on it and add context in subsequent chapters then it's all good. Build on connecting your paragraphs a little more.

Aside from that, grammar and sentence structures, you do have an ability here. Just needs some work. We all start out somewhere. I remember my first few stories and they were full of enthusiasm and zeal but were rough around the edges.

Writing is like a sword, you have to keep sharpening it. Good news is it won't take too long to learn and improve and you're on to a good start!

[MrRobato]

Thank you! I will try to adapt my next piece to your tips. I really appreciate it :)

[Christopher Angel]

It's my pleasure :) If you need any assistance or a second pair of eyes, I'll be happy to indulge!

[MrRobato]

Thanks! I think I probably will so I'll come to you first :)

[Christopher Angel]

My mailbox is always free :)

[MrRobato]

Okay, thanks!

[Alleyway Rover]

First impression:
…nice begining. Lots of strange imagery and a sense of urgency. I definately want to read this to figure out what the hell is going on.

I’m noticing the word ‘then’ interjected in weird places, eg. “I was then in the dining room..”. It’s an extra word that could be deleted.

“The smells filled my nose and them my chomping mouth.”
The phrase ‘chomping mouth’ is strange. It doesn’t help describe his mouth in particular… all mouths chomp, I think. Also I wonder if the word your looking for is ‘chattering’?

“Step by step my father's way to redemption.”
This is a sentence fragment.

“With my mother beside me and my dog chasing his tail in the distance, my eyes befell on the wind swept crops.”
And I’m not sure befell is the right word here. Double check but it strikes me as awkward.

Overall view:
Okay so here’s what I think happened. A boy has a nightmare where his dead father appears as a scarecrow. The dream startles him awake, but he goes back to sleep and realizes that the rather ghoulish figure in his dreams is really trying to protect him. I say ‘think’ because it’s a little hard to piece together. You have some startling and vivid imagery here, and that’s pretty cool, but I think it’s getting in the way of the story.

Here’s the big question I have. What exactly made the boy realize that the scarecrow in his dreams was nothing to be afraid of? In one paragraph it has beetles crawling out of his eyes and the next it is ‘nothing to be afraid of’. What changed? How did your character change? What brought on this realization?

On the same line, what is the scarecrow protecting the boy from, exactly?

Also, I don’t understand these two paragraphs at all:

“
I awoke to the sound of sizzling fat and the sound of my still desperate breath. I muttered something unrecognizable under it. I was now sprinting down the stairs stopping only to pick up my clothes. I paused at the bottom of the stairs to put them on before I burst into the kitchen.

 

I was then in the dining room, in my little plastic chair. The smells filled my nose and them my chomping mouth. The cold burned my still fragile skin. Melting, and then dripping onto my already soggy gloves. The plants then sprung up around me, and then flourishing in the summer heat. The amber leaves then trickled into my vision, replaced by a frost of brittle ice and snow. “


Is he awake here? Where did the gloves come from? What are you trying to tell me in these two paragraphs? How do they further your story?

I think that’s about all I have. You have something kinda cool here. Keep developing it.

[MrRobato]

I'm not quite sure what I was getting at in the meaning because I write and only really read over it when I'm done but that's pretty much it. Also The two paragraphs show that he has grown up but it still takes him time to realise about his father. The gloves and stuff is meant to represent the seasons and therefore the passing year as he matures. Anyway I don't understand most of the things I write but thank you so much for the review and the tips and I will make adjustments with corrections. I really appreciate it :)

[Acucena G.]

I love it, great work , keep it up

[MrRobato]

Thanks :) it means a lot