Trap Field

Gotta be careful on the internet. Scams are everywhere you look, baiting you with the things you desire most

Dear future self,

You were an idiot back in August 2020 lol. Many good things happened. Many really dumb mistakes too. Most of them shouldn't have happened, but it's okay because I forgive you! Expecting greatness or perfection from a beginner is unrealistic. Even so, I understand it hurts when your personal best isn't good enough but learning to not give up is a lesson in itself. I think you've taken to it pretty well, even if you were a moron back then!

In case you don't remember, allow me to refresh your memory. It has been 9 years since your last relationship, you lost an entire community of friends halfway through last month because of a self-defeatist attitude that people couldn't stand to be around, and you decided to put this big plan into motion to fix your s**t and get back on track. Signed up for online counseling, jumped back into the dating pool, deleted three accounts to abandon and bury your old identity, and rebooted three other accounts from a bygone past: One for writing, one for chatting with fellow gamers, and that one invasive social media site that they made a movie of. Gonna review your dating game here: It was cringe dude! When was the last time you did it, 2016? Gosh what a train wreck! Should have brought popcorn!

I know what you're going to say. "You're still there! You're a hypocrite!" Something like that, yeah? It pays to know yourself, Mr. future self. I'm still the one living with the guilt here in the past, so you can shush lmao. I'll say this much though, online dating is a f*****g rat race. Sucks for both sides. Men send tons of messages out to women, most of them ignored, and women get bombarded with messages, most of them not really worth responding to for reasons that we both know about. For us, it's like landing that interview at a dream job. Sticking out from the others and getting noticed so you get that sweet phone call. By the way, what time is it there now? 2021, 2022? I hope the whole job thing has turned out well! But anyways, I digress. The whole dating game is like a roulette, but there have been some gambles that you should have folded on and walked away from. Hopefully this will all be worth laughing over by the time you get this letter. Here's what life is like over here in 2020:

She has 3 kids, is looking for a sugar daddy to cook her meals

Swipe left. Not interested in becoming your ATM babysitter with a legs and a dick

Plays piano, loves kayaking, dog mom to 2 fur babies, and going to school to be a nurse

Swipe right. Seems sweet and has control of her life

Cute girl, 5'9", profile says 24 years old, bio says "actually 18"
Swipe left. Not gonna deal with dishonesty

Is that your dog? Cute! Wait, is that the only photo you have?
Swipe left. Don't even know what you look like lol. Not taking that gamble

Oh she has a nice smile! Seems very casual and friendly too!
Swipe right

5 cute girls in a group at a party, and... same with your other 4 photos? Which one is you?
Swipe left. If I wanted to play the guessing game I would play Russian Roulette

And more or less rinse and repeat roughly 200 times over the course of a day. I wasn't expecting much, and honestly expectation has always led to disappointment in our lives. Nothing to be sad over though! Just means we should live day to day and enjoy the present moment so we don't miss it. But then again, you should have held back with some of these women, cause they played you like a fiddle lol. Remember that one we matched with? The one with the pink hair and the blue eyes? Yeah she seemed really sweet and playful. Asked for Snapchat super early, so we made a new account and just chatted. Desperation can make a man fumble really hard though. And don't tell me you weren't desperate, because I know you were. She mentioned her hobby of selling nudes and doing private shows, we chatted back and forth with her, and she seemed genuinely interested in an actual date instead of a fling. Like I said, played like a fiddle. We did pay her a few dollars as a joke and got a sneak peek and what she was selling. I know you meant well, but we were perverts in action haha. What happened afterwards though? You should know, you were there dude!

Unmatched and blocked, with our money in her pocket. Took the bait and fell for her trap. Genius, I know.

They say that experience is a very effective teacher. We got burned hard, but it set us up for the ride ahead. More matches came in later over the following week, some of them with very suggestive photos, and they tried to pull the same s**t. "Add me on Snap, gimmie your money if you wanna **** me" and other bits of nonsense and false promises. The dating game is a huge field, and the whole place is riddled with traps and tricks. Got scammed? Should have been paying closer attention and let the brain upstairs do the thinking. The world is an ugly place my friend. Roses are pretty, but if you're not careful you'll get stabbed with thorns. I don't know what life is like up there in the future, but if you're still searching for that special someone, consider taking a break. And for the love of God, maybe don't give money to strangers for stuff you can get for free elsewhere? You freaking idiot lol.

Sincerely,
Your Former Self

P.S. Please write back soon. We really need to stay in touch! Best of luck to ya!

Author's Note

Tried a new idea of making this a letter to myself to do some inner reflection. Also, Tinder is such a joke lol

Reviews

[Lorry]

If we all got to make a movie of our lives, no one would believe the amount of weirdness that one life can accumulate. I'm just pleasantly surprised each morning that I've got to play this same game and still being stuck on level one all this time. Personally I reckon you need seven hands and a magic imcantation to make it to that fabled level 2.
And as for dating, I remember when there was actual sites for that and not the entire social media aspect of the internet. I've met enough people over the years to know that photo aint retro, that's how she looked 15 years ago and you'd probably be safer walking down main street with a blind man firing random shots than online dating 2020 style.
Last date was a nightmare. No one told me you were only meant to swipe the picture of their face. I just done it after dessert when she started boring me 😀
This is a really good idea. Maybe we should all do it and re-read them in 5 years to see if any of us ever learn. 😀

[Mr. Malarkey]

Haha I could talk for days about how awful online dating has been. Finding that diamond in the rough is so difficult, and like... there's so much competition despite all the options you have. Facebook was bad enough before online dating became a huge thing, but yikes! Things aren't so straightforward anymore lol. Did meet someone who I'm still talking to, but my mom isn't very keen on her... might write a poem about that at some point lol. I can't wait to level up my life. Thanks for your witty words as always Lorry! :P

[Lorry]

You're welcome.
And remember, mum's always stick their nose in, but that's what mums do. That and being right, so expect to be giving lots of apologies to her in later life 😀

[Mr. Malarkey]

My ego doesn’t like being wrong, but I know I’ll be wrong a lot of the time 😂 I do respect her opinion very much though