Top Ten Mania!

No, you're not seeing double. Do not attempt to adjust your reality. We have you.

Saturday, July 17, 2004

 

Okay, so tonight I'm trying to produce two top tens because I want to start doing two a day so that I can publish.  I warn you, I'm a little jaded because I've had several days to consider the fact that I'm a recently working stiff trying to compete in a world where everyone wants to be self-employed.  The first is one inspired while actually laughing during a very serious conversation I was having with Jackie.  Sad, but true...
 
The Top Ten Novelty CDs That Just Never Made It©:
 
10. Bodily Noises From The Motion Picture Deliverence.
 
9.  The Cast From "Who's Company?" Sing Barry Manilow's Greatest Hits.
 
8.  Don't You Want Me Baby by Sally Fields.
 
7.  Lounge Songs From The Sixties by The Grateful Dead.
 
6.  100 Bottles Of Beer On The Wall by Various Artists.
 
5.  Ozzy Ozbourne Mumbles Shakespeare.
 
4.  Binging And Purging To The Hits by Calista Flockhart.
 
3.  Music To Spasm To by Julia Louis-Dreyfus.
 
2.  Rick James Sings About His B***h. 
 
and the number one novelty CD that just didn't make it:
 
1.  Jailhouse Rock by Martha Stewart

 
Okay, and now for Top Ten number two...
 
The Top Ten Names For Celebrity Perfumes You'll Never See©:
 
10. Endorsement: Your name is worth more than you are.
 
9.  Jagged Little Pill: How much can you swallow?
 
8.  Cleavage: I'm up here... hello?!?!
 
7.  Kids And Animals: Hollywood's not that bad... is it?
 
6.  Danger: Put down the crack pipe.
 
5.  Andy Warhol: "There's nothing behind it."
 
4.  Puke: Try not to get it on you.
 
3.  Fifteen Minutes: Save for a rainy day.
 
2.  Purdy: A scent as fleeting as beauty.
 
and the number one celebrity perfume you'll never see:
 
1.  Plastic Surgery: I'm as real as you want me to be.