Just you and me against the... what the hell is that?!?!

Can't you just smell the love?

Monday, July 26, 2004

 

I've been thinking about the things that couples go through. Mostly because I'm going through them... again. So here's a top ten for all you lovers out there.

The Top Ten Rare Conditions Only Couples Contract:

10. MIF: (not Mission Impossible Force) Menstrual Irritation Factor. It's measured in the level of irritation you cause your partner once a month.

9. DASS: Dig And Scratch Syndrome. This gets worse as couples are together because guys grow more comfortable scratching places they should only touch privately.

8. WDYD: Could be "What Did You Do?!?!" but it's actually Why Don't You... Disease. A condition that forces couples to expect the same things they did to each other while they were dating.

7. IHR: I Hate Romance. This one is the cynical symptom of couples who have lost that magical spark... and found it when the fire department arrived.

6. GAFM: Get Away From Me! This can occur at any time for no particular reason.

5. WDYLT: Where Did You Learn That? This is a disorder that can be both blessing and curse. Cook something your partner has never had before, say something you told yourself you'd never repeat or, the most severe case, make the move you've in bed you've never had the courage to try and you could be either hero or villain.

4. INST: I Never Said That!!! This one is usually only contracted by men because most women have the unnerving ability to repeat conversations you had with them years ago, verbatim.

3. DTMML: Does This Make Me Look... It's a twisted trap as old as time. Why do women ask this question of a gender that yells at people on a television screen as though they can hear them? Men will smell their clothing to determine whether or not it can be worn. These same neanderthals will shove mold riddled food in your face and ask, "Does this smell like it's gone bad to you?" You trust their opinion of how an item might alter your appearance?!?!?

2. YOMH: You're On My Hair. My favorite malady because men, for centuries, have thought so much of their masculine prowess until they realize they're just ripping their partner's scalp from their head. Oh yeah, baby...

and the number one rare condition that only couples contract:

1. WTIIT: Who's Turn Is It To... a word of advice to men here... If you're asking the question, it's probably your turn. If the person you love is asking... it's still probably your turn. Just get up and do it, you knucklehead!