The Internet In Three Quarter Time...

It's a little difficult to dance while being shot at... and while crying. I will now attempt to do both without a net. Keep the ambulance and the janitorial staff close by.

Thursday, August 19, 2004

 

Let's dance, shall we? I've been doing a lot of it lately. Not in the literal sense, mind you. I'm not some insane Fred Astaire frolicking around like I just drank a case of Rockstar and forced myself into an epileptic episode with a smile on my face. I've been trying to juggle problems at home (big orchestral crescendo) while acting like everything's fine in front of friends, family and occasional saps who have to listen to a grown man cry.

The problem? Let's be blunt... I have to, I have been anything but sharp lately. Hi, I'm Jodie and I'm an a*****e. *big "HI JODIE" from the room* It's been a couple of weeks since my last online confession... that's what this is, you know. I get to purge my soul and you get to point and laugh as my pennance. It's the closest thing I have to clergy at the moment, so live with it.

Jackie, the most wonderful woman alive, has had to put up with my moods and lack of interest in just about anything approaching intimacy. Why? Well, I've blamed it on everything but the truth. (A-one-two-one-two-three-four) Let's start with my first excuse. I was depressed because of my situation with being put on disability recently. (side-step left) Then I tried to blame it all on changes in medications. (kick-ball-change) I also tried telling her that I am just having difficulty with being able to separate my work and home life. (slide to the right and hop) When I just couldn't admit to her or, more specifically, myself, the undeniable truth. It's a story as old as time and it smells like it hasn't had a shower in a couple of years. That's right, that horrible smell is... (orchestra hit and drop into the splits for the big finish) FEAR!!! I'm afraid. My anxiety, stress, mania and moody fits have all been over the fact that I'm scared, all the time. I can't face the things that I am so frightened of losing.

Why??? I am with the woman that I know I've been searching for my whole life. Her kids are wonderful and they love me for who I really am. I'm learning to live by my dreams and make the art I have inside of me a reality. I have more freedoms now than I've ever had in my entire life. What the hell is my problem? I'll tell you. It's because deep down I'm waiting for the hammer to fall. I feel as though I'm doomed to blow this whole thing apart, because that's what I've always done. Being in a relationship this intense is like living next to a bonfire. One foot too close and you're consumed by it. A foot the other way and you'll freeze your tail off. My problem is that I just can't seem to sit still in that sweet spot and enjoy the warmth. Instead, I back off and suffer in the cold because I feel like I'm supposed to be miserable. I've been consumed before and had to live with the disappointment of losing it all very quickly. I'm going to be happy, d****t, even if it kills me. God, I sure hope it does... really, really slowly.

Today's top ten is a testament to all of us screw-ups out there. One step at a time, one day at a time, one smashed finger at a time, we're making the world a better place... only with more safety warnings.

The Top Ten Safety Warnings For Screw-Ups:

10. Caution: Do not read this label.

9. Device is designed to be operated by someone else... put it down and walk away.

8. Please sober up, stop whining and find your glasses before touching that switch.

7. Roses are red, violets are blue, you'll be all those colors when this falls on you.

6. Warning: Your IQ is insufficient for walking erect.

5. The manufacturer has already forwarded your address and phone number to a local ambulance company.

4. If accident should occur please videotape it and send it to us so we can laugh at you.

3. Caution: for use only in bed with a champagne spritzer, a copy of the New York Times and a remote control for a TV you don't own any more.

2. Danger: Product can cause hopeless geeks to feel much cooler than they really are.

and the number one warning for screw-ups:

1. Manufacturer is not responsible for loss of confidence, impotence, major emotional issues, foot odor, tidal shift, feline migration, strip mining, lexdysia, uh, aidyslex, er, learning disabilities or marital difficulties caused by the irresponsible purchase of this product.