Recently Rezoned Little House On The Blog...

It's almost, but not quite, sort of, that is it's, uh...

Saturday, January 22, 2005

 

Mmmm... Cup of coffee, mystery curry mixture for breakfast, a quick cigarette because the mystery mixture upset my fragile stomach, a few dollars in my pocket and a list of errands that need to be run. That's my morning and plans for the day, so far. This weekend will be spent frantically trying to get something done with my SmartTShirts.com website so that we can start selling some of the clever T-Shirts that we've been able to come up with. Truthfully, I'm actually excited about that one. Jackie wants me to try writing an article based on some amazing facts we've discovered about the after-effects of weight loss surgery that we can "pitch" to a magazine to generate some temporary income. And we're going to make a big batch of Jackie's perfectly wonderful Enchilada Casserole and take it to her parent's place to feed the family after moving her brother into his new apartment. Sound like a lot? Yeah, well, it is.

Jackie and I spent most of the day, yesterday, with my twin brother helping him to pick up his new vehicle. He and his wife are in the process of moving to a small Minnesota town that was the literary home of Laura Ingalls-Wilder when she was a little girl. That's right, their moving to the prairie. Of course, it's not a prairie any more. Somebody knocked over the old schoolhouse and put up a strip mall. It just went downhill from there. It sounds like a big deal now but I'm sure that it seemed like a great idea at the time.

The grinding wheels of progress get more and more ludicrous looking when viewed through history. The ancient Romans thought it would be a good idea to convert the majestic Coliseum from a grand sports arena, hosting everything from slaves fighting other slaves and Christians being thrown to rabid lions to huge reproductions of ocean battles with the arena filled with enough water to hold the small ships, into a combination flea market and house of prostitution. Even the Chinese, whose structures have been around longer than recorded history in the western world, commonly use places like The Forbidden City and Tianenmen Square alternately for religious and political purposes but rarely for the original purposes they were built. Looking back, now, it seems wrong but someone, when pressed with the need for space and a shipment of ruffled leg warmers already on the way, realized that the old church they used to drive by might be just the right size to stack moldy boxes in.

That's right, house of worship, rat infested warehouse, den of iniquity... it's all the same to a clever real estate agent and a contracter with no conscience.

Next thing you know they'll be doing things like moving gravestones without exhuming the bodies to make way for a perfectly planned suburban tract home. I'm glad they haven't yet because that kind of thing could destroy the lives of one or two innocent families, lead to a host of psychic tourists sticking their noses in where they don't belong, open up a freak wormhole to the afterlife and seriously lower the value of said real estate. Eventually Steven Spielberg would probably run with the whole thing and make a movie out of it, hire some knucklehead like Craig T. Nelson to play the pot-smoking father and then get Industrial Lights and Magic (George Lucas' special effects dream team) to whip up a bunch of expensive effects to suck the audience into believing that all ghosts really want is to kidnap some cute little blond girl that watches too much television. Who's crazy enough to go see that?

Enough gibberish. It's time for a really silly top ten.

The Top Ten Movies That Never Got Made:

10. Lassie Came Home: A heart warming picture about a dog that just got out of rehab and now wants to settle the score with the top-secret military police organization who taught her how to kill but not how to live.

9. Blood, Sweat And Sheers: Richard Simmons stars in this gay, romantic comedy about a successful fitness expert that falls madly in love with his edgy, heavy metal hair-stylist.

8. Where's The Remote?: A satirical look at the life of a permanent bachelor who's only desire is to stay up late, naked, in bed, watching adult movies and eating Cheetos.

7. I've Got A Coupon For That: Finally, an epic for the rest of us about a single father who goes on a quest to buy a single-wide mobile home from a company who won't approve his loan.

6. Enter Your P.I.N.: An instant Sci-Fi classic about a cyborg that terrorizes shopping malls by grabbing hard working people waiting at the checkout stands with their debit cards and shouting, "Insufficient Funds!!"

5. Burn, Baby, Burn: Hard core documentary cum cult classic about a growing number of kids becoming obsessed with illegally downloading songs over the internet from obscure music albums like "John Denver Sings The Hymns" and "I Wanna Make Boom-Boom In My Pants".

4. Screw The Short Form: A new hero emerges from the pile of receipts and itemized deductions to take on the IRS and prove to them that they are going to need to write off a strong laxative and an enema.

3. Our Lady Of Perpetual Motion: Science, religion and mental illness all collide in this brilliant new musical about a young woman who wants to start an industrial convent that provides inexpensive power to people that don't own any electronics.

2. Get My Agent On The Phone: Movies about movie making show the excitement and glamour but this gem shows the rest of it... the boredom, the attitudes and the lack of napkins at the catering table.

And the number one movie that never got made:

1. Tibetan Ninja Chronicles: The Dalai Lama kicks some serious a*s while trying to deal with conflicting feelings about being a pacifist.

"You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it." ~ Robin Williams