Zen and the art of automoblog repair...

Car problems can make most of us feel just a teensy bit inadequate, can't they?

Saturday, February 19, 2005

 

Something tells me that Henry Ford did the same thing that most inventors do. First, design the machine to work. Then leave the rest to the engineers. Things like making parts accessible for replacement or repair. Cars seem to have been designed that way all along. They make them pretty and they make them strong but they refuse to make them easy to work on. That has never been a marketing trait since the first model A rolled off the assembly line in the beginning of the twentieth century.

Cut to modern day. Wide, establishing shot on an apartment complex carport. A tall, long-haired man is bent over the open engine compartment of a crappy early nineties white economy sedan. We hear the unmistakable sound of a tool drop followed by a string of unintelligible mumbling littered, liberally, with curses. Like a twisted prairie dog his head pops up to see if there is anyone around to be offended by the swearing. He then utters a few more choice epithets at the vehicle he's working on and lowers his grime streaked arms back into the engine compartment to retrieve the tool. All the while we hear the patter of rain and the rumbling of distant peals of thunder.

Yep, that was how I've spent most of the day. I'll be the first to admit that I know next to nothing about automotive repair. However, fate and my current lack of finances have rendered me desperate enough to try my hand. And try, and try. Our car has been making a horrible rattling sound for months that we've avoided repairing because of fiscal concerns. No money, no repairs. Well, the problem has now become a disaster. The kids were driving the car, to Starbucks no less, and it immediately lost all power steering and began to overheat. Not knowing what the actual problem was we had it towed home. The last time we had the car tuned up the repair place quoted us a couple of hundred dollars to replace the "tensioner" and water pump. Neither of which, I've now divined through trial, error, injury, insult, swearing, tantrums and many phone calls to the local Ford dealership, were the problem.

The engineer of the modern marvel known as the '92 Mercury Topaz, of which I own exactly one poor example, in his infinite wisdom designed with a serpentine belt driven by a crank shift extending from the bottom of the engine. This crank shaft has a pulley attached to it by a small rubber "gasket" called a crank pulley compression assembly that is notorious for failing and causing an unmistakable rattling sound before coming apart completely. Now, with all his education and wisdom his technical drawings didn't seem to reflect the obvious fact that when this part eventually failed to work it would have to be replaced leaving the unsuspecting victim, namely me, the owner, with only one option. Have the entire engine removed so that they can actually GET to said part. What kind of demented design monkey would come up with that? I've read about Nazi engineers that had more compassion!

Don't get me wrong, I love a challenge, when there's a reasonable solution but this seems unforgivably sadistic. Now were looking at several hundred dollars in labor alone. I hope that engineer has changed his name, address and appearance. Otherwise, I may need to find the little rat and gently ask him to do the repairs himself in order to avoid receiving a corn starch enema.

Enough on that rant, let's switch to this week's top ten. One I'm sure all of you will empathize with.

The Top Ten Reasons Engineers Don't Date:

10. They know the exact tensile strength of the latex used in condoms.

9. Hate mail is no longer being delivered by the USPS but by the original senders.

8. Still working on telling a "knock-knock" joke without having vegetables thrown at them.

7. They didn't design the car broken down in their own driveway.

6. Still all pruny from being stuck in "lather, rinse, repeat."

5. Too ashamed to admit a serious Tylenol addiction after that horrible paperclip incident.

4. Constantly being b***h-slapped by virtual dates is tough enough as it is.

3. General hygeine wasn't covered in Spacial Mechanics class.

2. They haven't left the house since being physically ejected from the last D&D gathering.

and the number one reason engineers don't date:

1. Human hardware still can't be fixed with software... yet.