the emptiness

I have these memories, and they hurt

Buried long into the past
creeping along the edges of an aching dream
shadows lingering behind the numbness of everyday
invisible save for the absence,
the cavity of an excised soul,
an emptiness that speaks of something that was once there

a memory
of the horrible things I have seen

Tears do not flow
They come slow like sludge dripping from my twisted soul,
twisted tight until they drip,
my body heaving
contorted as they are dragged out in painful gasps
wrenching, retching bile and poison from the core of my being

a memory
of the inhumanity only humans make

I thought I was brave
but I'm just another coward
bearing witness to the slaughter of hope
and the death of dreams
watching until my eyes turn away
and I pretend to forget

so I put hope away with my memories, to rot safely and invisibly behind the concrete confines of a mausoleum of obedience

but in the crevice something grows

I have these memories, and they hurt.

Author's Note

I'm debating whether or not to take out the line

"creeping along the edges of an aching dream"

I also use the word "soul" twice and I'm wondering if it sounds repetitive.


In a previous edit I had these lines, but cut them out:

"the horrible things I have seen:
so many times so many places
again and again

the horrible things I have seen:
blood tears agony rage
awash in silence, unnoticed save for the glimmer of knowledge in the depths of an eye, a furrowed brow, a fleeing expression of desperation begging for compassion"

Reviews

[.]

:: wow... i love this piece... i relate to it very intensely... my favourite image is in these lines...

"so I put hope away with my memories, to rot safely and invisibly behind the concrete confines of a mausoleum of obedience

but in the crevice something grows"

:: if i were you, i'd keep that line... and the deployment of the word 'soul' doesn't seem repetitive to me... not in the least... this is such a riveting piece of writing that nothing detracted from it...

[JR Darewood]

Thanks serah! I was also devided between the "concrete confines of a mausoleum of obedience" and "the concrete confines of a mausoleum of conformity" because it has all c's. On the other hand obedience sounds more servile, hinting at disobedience which is stronger than nonconformity, and i like that.

[.]

:: you're very welcome, J... :: i'd go with "obedience" too because then we're talking about (as you said) "disobedience"... and that takes me to one of my favourite words which is "rebellion"... as you might have guessed, by indian standards, i'm very rebellious... :P

[Tennessee]

Soul doesn't sound repetitive at all. Leave it as it is, you can't fix perfect. I loved it and I can relate.

[JR Darewood]

Thanks! That was a very nice review, and on my birthday no less!!!!

[Dr. Wood ?]

the SOUL thing DOES STAND OUT...but that is just ME I suppose.

Terrific poem though; memories can trigger off a whole mass of unwanted intrusions

[Sami Khalil]

bearing witness to the slaughter of hope
and the death of dreams
watching until my eyes turn away
and I pretend to forget

so I put hope away with my memories, to rot safely and invisibly behind the concrete confines of a mausoleum of obedience

[Emily B]

i've been wandering around reading today, so much musical bullshit that never says anything and uses the same old over-used words

i wanted to read brutal truth, the sort of words that hold a mirror to the razor edges of life and i've found them here, thank you

[JR Darewood]

Wow, thanks, this is probably the most flattering review I've ever gotten!

[Emily B]

you probably saved my day :)

[Dayran]

And a river flows through it ... and perhaps because it does we hurt from the prying eyes of the flowing public. Its curious that it should ... maybe its because what we are within appears more than everything combined outside. hi ... member ( midnight whisper ).

[JR Darewood]

Terimakasih bg.

[Dayran]

sama-sama.

[Muse]

I have a funny little rule that I use when I write. Like you...I don't like to use the same words twice. But in some cases...without being redundant, it can help emphasize an emotion. I don' t think anything felt redundant here. You described this pain in a very clairvoyant matter. Just like in your stories...you have a way with words. I felt your pain. I guess that makes you an awesome writer when you can make another reader feel your pain...love...fear...any emotion that fuels your pen. It is an art form to get your words felt. And you do this so very well my friend.

[JR Darewood]

awwww, shucks. Thanks Muse. Your compliments are making me blush.

[Girl Friday (Sarah W.)]

Memories can be some of the most difficult things to deal with in our lives. The brain has a way of storing things that cause us greif, but it also has a way of storing good memories as well. I love your imagery and emotion.

Technical issues:
I don't think "soul" sounds repetitive, it didn't bother me.
I like the line "creeping along the edges of an aching dream"--nice image
Suggestion: That long line near the end is a little odd in terms of the flow of things, you may want to break it into two or three lines.

Otherwise, well done!

[JR Darewood]

Thanks!
Yeah, the long line does feel... long... but it's hard for me to break it up because the image is united, like it doesn't want to be fragmented. idk. its a tough one

[Rita L. Sev]

The deep pain memory can bring - your illustrate it perfectly here. I did not think the use of "soul" was repetitive at all, particularly since they are not in the same stanza. I love the images you conjure with the line "creeping along the edges of an aching dream". Great write overall!

[JR Darewood]

Thanks Rita!