Bright Future Part One: Gateway

This is a science fiction/humour story about the apocalypse. Because if there is anything that makes you think "humour", it's the apocalypse! PART ONE.

Midway through the apocalypse, I woke up.

Actually, saying that is kind of inaccurate. “Waking Up” implies that I was asleep, and I have

no idea if I was even alive before then. I had no memories, no thoughts, no idea of where I

was going.

I stood still for a second, taking in my surroundings. I was in a dull grey wasteland, with

savage trees and twisted ground. In the distance, directly in front of me, was a mountain.

I kept heading towards it. Hey, if I have no idea where I'm going, I might as well go there.

Unless it's lava, or a bomb or something, I suppose.

Wait. How do I know what a bomb is?

F**k. Lemme think about this some more.

As I walked, I thought more about... well... my brain. I had no idea what had happened to the

world, or where I was, or who I was, or any of the other generally important things that

someone tends to remember. But I could remember facts and words and social graces.

Which raises a very worrisome question. Namely, what kind of jackass amnesia makes me

forget my own name but lets me remember the capital of Botswana?!

(It's Gaborone.)

As I walked closer to the mountain, I stopped by a pool of water. After checking it for bugs or

monsters or something that would justify nobody having drunken this, I took a deep drink. My

reflection looked back at me from the pool, and I took the chance to examine myself.

First of all: male.

Good to know.

I was pale, with red hair and green eyes. I had an average build and a devilish smile that I'm

sure would help me endear myself to people if there was anybody else in this f*****g

wasteland.

Sigh.

My outfit needed some work, though. My coat looked like I had dressed in a frock and leapt

through a lawnmower. I had nice leather pants and I'm sure that'll be impressive to the vast

amount of nothing I have to interact with.

I looked back at the mountain, but now I could see what might be a town on the front of the

mountain. Or maybe it was a town with a mountain of the back? Whatever. It looked

important.

I got up and looked at it, seriously thinking for the first time. Should I go there? It's where I

was going before I woke up, and it seems like there would be people there. But then again,

they could be what happened to everyone else. Maybe it's filled with monsters or demons or

some variation thereupon.

Just before I could make my decision, the sun dipped under the horizon. And, as though it

was waiting for it's cue, a howl split the air.

Then another.

And then another.

I decided then and there. Strange Town > Howly-Ghost Monsters.

I broke in to a run, my feet making thumping against the ground with each step in a manner

that ensured I would be making no friends with the local prairie dog populace.

As I got closer to the town, I noticed more details about it. The walls were crudely welded

together, and if there were any buildings within, they didn't reach over the walls. The gates

had lights on them, with 2 people guarding it. I couldn't make them out until I got closer, which

may have been because of the fact that they were far away, but it was more likely because of

my sheer, balls to the wall terror.

Neither of the guards were human, which was surprising. I mean, all I knew was that there

were apparently weird wofly things, and I have no fashion sense.

They had grey skin that looked like rocks, and their hair was also grey, but less rock like. And,

despite my fairly limited view of the world at large, I was certain that this was slightly unusual.

One had black, heavy combat armour and a machine gun so big that it makes me wonder

what kind of relationship the designer had with his father. The armour had words on it that had

been scribbled out, leaving only the letters S, O and L.

The other was far better to look at, if only for the fact that I could tell it's gender. She was less

brawny and blocky, for lack of a better word, than her compatriot, and she had a cowboy hat

on her head tilted at a jaunty angle. I wasted a second or two wondering how the hell I knew

what the word “jaunty” was before I continued to examine her.

On her belt was a revolver and she had a wooden baseball bat strapped to her back. Either in

case an impromptu sports tournament broke out, or in case she needed to smash some

skulls. She was wearing a duster, with a green jump suit beneath it. I spent a long time staring

at her chest, for two reasons. One, because I apparently had a frustrated libido before I woke

up, and two, because it was bouncy and supple, unlike SOL, who was hardened and angular.

There must be different types of these rock people, some are hard and rocky and some soft

and supple.

Great. Scientific discovery via b**b examination. Next thing you know, I'm going to discover

time travel by masturbating furiously.

“Freeze.” said SOL and this was the first time I realized she was a girl. She sounded like a

normal girl, after guzzling gravel. Which, I am fairly certain, was not actually the case.

The part of my brain that could actually remember things supplied me with the fact this meant

“Stop moving and don't produce a weapon”. I decided to comply because I could still

remember that bullets hurt, and that she was still pointing a gun at me.

In one breath I said “Oh, hey sorry about this. I have some questions. Who am I, who are you,

who are those things, where am I and what's two times five?”

At the last question, the cowgirl raised an eyebrow in query.

“I ran out of other questions.” I explained.

She laughed a light, beautiful laugh that sounded normal and nothing like SOL, which I count

as a plus. But SOL growled and rested her finger on the trigger, which I count as a minus.

“Take off your clothes. Now.” she said as the howling drew nearer.

“I hate it when I have to direct the strippers.” chimed in the cowgirl with a smirk on her face.

“Why? Any particular reason, or are we just setting up the worlds most awkward porno?” I

said as I fiddled with my belt, buying time.

Whatever extremely selective amnesia I have doesn't stretch to my shyness, because I would

very rather not strip for a collection of strangers, particularly when one of them is very cute,

one of them has a gun pointed at me, and one of them is a hoard of flesh eating monsters.

“The Packlings have a bite, and it's got some nasty side effects,” explained the cowgirl

whimsically. “We'd rather not have you go wacky in the middle of town square and turn in to

one.”

“Can't you just take my word for it?” I pleaded.

The only response I got was a giggle from the cowgirl and a glare from SOL.

Sigh.

I guess my self esteem will have to take the bullet this time.

I pulled off my shirt and unbuckled my belt.

“Woot!” laughed the cowgirl. “Take it off!”

I slipped my pants off, revealing my underwear. She kept laughing and offering to stick money

in my pants, making me seriously contemplate the merits of getting eaten by “Packlings”.

Finally, I stood naked, prepared to either get shot by SOL, eaten by a Packling, or die of sheer

embarrassment.

I am prepared for either one.

SOL said. “Spin. Slowly.”

I did, letting her see me in all my pale glory. I turned around, saw a gleaming shape lunging

toward me, and closed my eyes.

I heard a bang and opened them again. To my amazement, a Packling lay dead on the

ground in front of me. It resembled a man sized hyena in an ill fitting skin suit with a bullet in

it's head. I am pretty sure that the bullet as not there to begin with.

The gunshot came from behind me, and I turned around again to see the cowgirl with her

gun, finally pulled out of it's holster, pointed at the beast. She had drawn and fired her gun

before me or SOL could do anything more than flinch.

“Oh.” I said weakly. “That's why you're on guard duty. I thought it was just so nobody else had

to deal with your smart a*s-ery.”

SOL said loudly, “Open.” and the gate opened in one fell swoop. I walked quickly ahead, not

even taking the time to pick my clothing back up as the Packlings nipped at our heels.

We made it through, and the gate slammed behind us with a clatter. The three of us took a

second to collect ourselves.

“So.” I said, trying to be as suave as I could be while completely naked. “Nice shooting, Tex.”

The cowgirl turned to me and said. “Call me Jean.”

Jean reached over and put a cloth in my mouth, which I then breathed in. I took me a second

to realize “Wait a second. Chloroform is a bad thing to breath in.” and by then, it was too late.

I keeled over, landing on her chest. I barely had time to think “Yay, boobies!” before fading

away, back to sleep.

Author's Note

This is a work in progress, so any and all reviews are welcome.