Jane

“Joey was great. He could write the most beautiful poetry you've ever read but his ego was much too big. In bed it was all about him. He wanted me to do these things that evolved putting my legs over my head. It was like a race to see if I could cum or cramp first.” I continue to chop the carrots for dinner. My mother is sitting across the counter. I don't even know why I am chopping carrots. My mother isn't going to eat anything, let alone the carrots and I hate them. I have been on a health kick since mom went in for her second round of chemo.

She is looking good today. The wig Joey got her looks just like her natural hair did. Long, straight and brown. She just looks tired. Like it's painful for her to even sleep. She told me when she finally gets to sleep after hours of tossing and turning she wakes up every now and again to make sure she was still alive. This kind of talked scared me but I knew she needed to tell someone.

“But he can take care of you. He will lead you to where you want to be in life.” Mom says as she smiles. “I don't want you to be alone. It's not right how you push everything away in your life.”

There is no one after my mother leaves. All we have is this s****y apartment between us. I don't know what to say to her. How to put in words how much I love everything she does. The way she is in her forties with more innocents then I do. I love the way she can make me feel at peace just by being in the room. She is my whole world. My world is crashing.

“I don't push people away. He just wasn't the one. I really thought he was. I mean all the signs were there. Regardless, I have more important things to think about besides love.” I put the carrots into a pot of water on the stove. I don't know what I'm going to do when she's gone. I feel it's close. She has been bringing up the meaning of life more an more often.

“What do you think it's all leading up to? Life I mean.” Like clock work.

“I think we all get our lot of living. Some people use it up faster than others. Everyone gets their fair share.” I stir.

“I think your right. But makes you spend your fair share faster than others?” She says, playing with her keys.

“Happiness. When it comes right down to it. Or maybe Sadness. I mean, if you've had your fair share of all of it. Like there is a quota of everything you must fill before you get the right to die. Maybe beyond our physical form we get to become part of the universe. We are what makes living possible. We get to see everything we never could when we were living.” I continue stirring.

“Jane, that is beautiful. You make dying feel like a blessing instead of a curse.” Mom looks up at me. I can see how much she is suffering everyday just to stay alive. “Do you think that happens if you kill yourself?”

I stop stirring.

My mother has killed herself. I feel I may have talking her into it. What if her energy doesn't leave her body and become part of the universe. What if there is no after. Is she in a better place or is she just laying on a slab in the morgue waiting to be dissected? I am at the police station. It is early morning now I can see from a window near by. I can't go home. There is no way I can go home. I look at the clock and the store isn't opened for another hour so I can go there before my shift.

I step out the door into the bright light.