Thin Red Line

Defense of Rorke's Drift

94TH!!!!!!!!
POSITIONS!!!!!!!!!!! OUR LINE WILL NOT BE CROSSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Remember the pipers ma' lads,
remember the clouds of fog over the highlands"

LOAD YOUR RIFLES!!!!!!!!!!!! NO BREAKIN OF THE LINE!!!!!!!!!!!

"Remember the blowing northern wind,
remember the heather in the summer's air"

NO WASTE ROUNDS SPRINTERS!!!! AIM FOR THE B******S HEADS, NO BREAKIN THIS LINE

"Remember the loch, the swimming right after confessions,
remember the purity of God's love in those waters"

THESE BLACK SAVAGE B******S WILL NO BREAK THIS LINE,  NAH AN UNSTEADY MAN OF THE 94!

"Remember the taste of our dads whiskey after Sunday night joint,
remember mothers black pudding"

REMEMBER, THE 94TH, REMEMBER CAMPBELL!!!!!!!!!!!

"Remember Mary, oh sweet dear Lord, ma' dear sweet Mary!

REMEMBER WELLINGTON!!!!!

"Remember Mary!"

REMEMBER PESHAWAR!!!

"Remember Ma, Pa, pipers, fog, whiskey and"
FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!










































remember the 94th
"ma' mary..................."

Reviews

[LawrenceRaybon]

Nice, I love the thoughts being juxtaposed with the orders being shouted. The bold and italics were very effectively used. The imagery is wonderful, I especially liked the 'purity of God's love in those waters.'

A question and a three observations:

Did you intend for the 'FIRE!!!' on the final line to not be bold? It struck me as strange.

In third line of shouted orders the soldiers are instructed to aim for the heads. As they are the 94th which implies they are part of a professional military force, it struck me as odd they would be so instructed. Soldiers are generally instructed to aim for the chest (or center) because it's an easier target and more likely to score a hit and kill or disable than a head shot. I know this because my wife and I got a lesson in firearms from a special forces sniper instructor, he made a point of telling us about aiming for the center (in between shouting at me to keep my GD finger off the trigger till he was done talking...)

In the forth line of thought (italics) you use the word 'dad'. I'm not sure 'dad' appropriate for the tone of the piece. It's feels out of place, especially when you use 'Mother' later in the same line and then 'Ma' and 'Pa' at the end. I don't know why exactly, maybe it's too informal?

I love the use of the break before the last two lines, but I think it might be a bit excessive. I think a smaller break, four lines or so, would have the same impact without bordering on farcical. (The length of the break made me laugh, which I don't think is the intent.)

All in all I really enjoyed this piece and look forward to reading your other work.

Cheers,
Lawrence
Constructive Critic Group

***Standard Disclaimer: These are my honest opinions and they are absolutely not meant as any kind of attack. I only comment on work that I think is good and only offer advice so that we can all become better writers. You are always free/welcome to heed or disregard my opinions/advice!***

[Arial, Black]

I love the alternating lines of yelling and thinking (or speaking), and the space before the last lines - like suspending the reader as the battle rages on. Very sad, but probably realistically what a soldier was thinking at the start of battle, right up to his death. Great use of the Scottish/British dialect. A nice historical piece. There were so many battles fought during this time period, each one preserved in song or poem, as was the custom then. Great work.

[just is]

very insteresting read, i enjoyed

[MOON]

Very good , excellent write battle brought to life .

[Sunflower/Sara Kendrick]

Interesting work..Got my attention and held it..Thanks for stopping by, reading my work, and taking time to comment..Is this work about a battle that really happened?..(about my work about Ambien-the person that got addicted had lost a son in a tornado and was deeply grieved.).Sunflower/Sara

[Michael G.]

You bring the battle right to my screen. Could see it, feel the desperation. And felt the silence of the end.
Beautifully, masterfully done.