A rolling 'Table'

The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent. Just the facts, ma'am

  Ok, let me give you a small amount of background, my brother had passed away and I went with my cousins camping, one of those 'try to cheer him up things', they never work.



One fine day I decided i would take a nice hike around the lake. Now your run of the mill hiker will get all kitted out, they will have special shoes, gear, safety equipment. Not me, those guys are pansies, I wear boots with jeans. My gear consist of my ipod, smokes, lighter, knife, and what ever random piece of driftwood that suits my needs as a club. So basically, no one can be more prepared than myself. Now it takes a special talent to hike up the face of a mountain, some what stoned, listening to THE DOORS, smoking a cig, and just enjoying the love of mother nature.

A person must really understand nature when hiking, you have to respect her. Let me give you an example; your listening to The End by the doors, right as a wolf just happens upon you. Do you run, do you stand still? This happened, now while I stood not more than striking distance, we locked eyes. My mind reasoned fear, my heart did not. An odd feeling, bravery and cowardice at the same time. He didn't even sniff around, not a glance or the growl of sharp teeth, he just looked at me. Moments can stretch into months, time manages to draw out the most tense moments, but for some reason, i wasn't afraid.

Call it: Fate, Luck, Grace, whatever. This wolf could have torn me to shreds in a matter of moments, but my hand was no where near my knife. My hand was steady, my heart was calm, my nerves did not move a single stroke. I knew i was not going to die, maybe he saw something in me, in my eyes. When he finally broke the glance and ran up the trail, tourist about 100 feet back where screaming at one another over cameras.  And just in case your wondering, no, it wasn't a ghost it was an actual wolf.

Getting back on the trail, I was slowly (ok, really slowly) making my way up to the top of the cliff. You can more or less see everything in the valley from this spot, but one slip and you will be dinner for Christmas critters. So, like a jack-a*s, i light up and jug my way up the mountain when this Britney Spears looking girl runs by my on her way up the hill. She was kitted out in this pink jogging outfit with the words, "JUICY" on the rear of the pants. One of those "HEY LOOK AT ME, MY I.Q. IS MY BRA SIZE!"  Now let me describe my camping attire, red flannel shirt, motor-head t-shirt, jeans, boots. I more or less blend in, that last thing i need to see are people from The O.C. camping. Sorry for getting off track but this girl, well keep reading.
One smoke and four songs later I finally made it to the cliff, breathing like a horse, sweating like Oprah, the ground seemed a nice place to rest at that moment in time. My rest was interrupted when Stupidly Blonde started yapping on her cell phone. At moments like this I imagine Archie Bunker saying, "Will you stifle its already!". Alas, Archie Bunker was not around.

As I got up, I notice, Blondie was standing a little to close to the edge, as I tried to warn her she turned her back to me, saw the edge, and screamed like all hell. Grabbing the back of her jacket, I managed to pull her from falling, but some how my foot backing up stepped into something. She was alright but I, I was on my way to one the most embracing moments of my entire life. And guess what, I'm sharing it cause he may explain my writing.

Falling backwards, I managed to roll down the mountain side. And you know what, my speed was pretty good. It wasn't so much of a roll as watching a Mexican John Goodman (I used to be around 340 lbs) tumble down a hill side bouncing up and down like a jumping being, in this case me. At one time my luck managed me to slow my speed, excepted it was a huge wood rotten tree stump. My back went right through the b*****d, it must have been the stump when i lost my smokes. But still had my back up pack, while rolling down the hill as only a fat guy can, I was shocked to see the tourists laughing and taking pictures. By the sweat grace of what ever god is politically correct at this moment. Another tree stump, A SOLID ONE TOO! Managed to bring me to a complete stop. Blondie was running down while describing the scene to who ever was on the other line. She managed to walk by me with little more than a nod of thanks, but I wasn't looking for thanks, I was looking for my lighter. Which I never found, so I had to go the rest of the day with out a smoke and looking like I dated Mike Tyson, the least the Universe could do was let me find a lighter. But the Universe has an interesting way of sorting us out. I found the money that fell out of Blondie's pocket along with doobie snack. In my heart of hearts, the Universe wanted me to have her two Grants and joint.