I don’t know why I’m like this

If I was asked one specific question I would answer it and then accidentally go off into a different topic, I could go on and on about what’s wrong with me without trying but when I try I can’t..

I’m violent sometimes. I don’t mean to, I can’t express feelings very well. I hid them for so many years I just can’t figure out how to get it through. I protect myself with physical pain to either myself or others, and I don’t mean to. I don’t want to hurt anybody... I don’t know why I’m like this I just want someone to notice my cry for help. I cant bring myself to eat anymore.. it hurts to breath sometimes, and I make the excuse that I just simply forgot to eat. I don’t forget I just taught myself to not feel hunger  anymore. I almost passed out I was dehydrated and hungry and I was shaking, I couldn’t speak much. My mind was racing I couldn’t figure out an excuse not to eat, I tried to just drink water and told everyone I just didn’t drink water and I’ll just drink some and I’ll feel better. I know I’m lying but I just can’t do it anymore. I was so close to giving up so many times. I had a knife to my throat and my mom woke up just in time, I didn’t want her to see that. Not like that.. I’m sorry I don’t know why I’m sorry but I am I’m sorry for being such a pill and so hard to deal with. I’ve written so many suicide notes since age 9 I was going to show my parents.. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Anyway I should stop writing before I never stop 

Author's Note

Yep sorry I know it’s bad writing but idk