Getting Absorbed

This unfinished piece is about an absorbing relationship. Whether you realize it or not, letting yourself get absorbed is not idealistic.

"Getting absorbed into a commitment isn't as bad as it seems", said no one ever. My name is Jenny and I'm stuck in a consuming relationship.

Waiting, constantly waiting and revolving your whole life around his work schedule. Becoming absorbed in everything you do, everything you've become and forgetting what you once were is not an ideal lifestyle, rather than an obligation to fulfill other peoples' happiness. "Stay together", they say. "Don't break up or I'll disown you", they say. Being threatened to stay in a relationship isn't the way relationships work? It's almost as if you have some moral instinct to cling on to that man as if nothing else depended on him, as if he didn't have a good backbone, or you could no longer survive without his touch. Always needing him as if you were lost before, lost in yourself, all of the guys who flirted with you, all of the girls who made fun of you for being single, all of the money you felt like you had to spend on clothes to fit into the constantly changing society we call high school. Have you ever heard the song "Try" by Colbie Calliat? If you haven't, just listen to it. Listen to every word she sings and you'll start to see through my perspective.
Getting absorbed and no longer feeling the need to be spontaneous with your significant other isn't idealistic, it's almost as if you're too comfortable with one another that no matter what you do you won't get bored. In a parallel universe, that s**t doesn't work. In your head you once told yourself, "I will no longer sit on my a*s and watch Netflix 24/7" and now look at yourself. That's all you do. The music you listen to, the way you dance, how often you curse is all reflected back in the experiences you’ve had over the span of this long term relationship. You can no longer call yourself an artist, rather than a Xerox machine. All you do is copy the face you surround yourself with every day and night, you copy his cheekbones, his eyebrows, his smile. At first he was your muse, but now what is he? He’s your obsession, the thing absorbing you into what you wished you’d never become.
The possibilities of resolving your “absorption issue” are endless, don’t kid yourself and think you’re stuck in this situation for the rest of your life. After all, you aren’t “Mrs. Merle Owens” just yet. Remember. There is no ring on your finger, there are no legal documents binding you to this man forever. As far as anybody outside of your relationship knows, you’ve just met him.
Take for instance, if you are lying in bed with him right now, just look at the facial structure of his face, take in all of the flaws, focus on everything you find wrong, think about how much his flaws bother you and take into account exactly how much you despise that man. If you can’t find anything, you are stuck. Not only are you stuck, but there seems to be no way out, unless you are a professional heartbreaker and strive off of the pheromones men put out when they are heartbroken and left for the next person to bring him up only to throw him back down again. Do you wish to see him like that? Would you want to read all of the heartbreaking status’s, having to delete the thousands of pictures you’ve taken over the past couple of years? Or do you wish to stay with him, through sickness and in health, til death do you part, through good times and in bad? Because trust me, this is not a “bad time” you’re having, just because you feel as if you don’t seem like yourself does not mean that he will not push you to start trying to rebuild the personality he fell in love with in the beginning.

Reviews

[Lesley]

I really liked this and could relate on many levels. It's refreshing to see these thoughts written in black and white! I like how you were talking to yourself. I do want to know more because your last sentence leaves me wondering if, after all her contemplating, as she rationalized things to stay. Which of course, is our point. Nicely done!