Recovery-9

 Everything came back to me slowly in a groggy haze. Not quite asleep, but not really awake either. I thought Alise was there with me. Holding onto me. Urging me to get up. To get home. I couldn't honestly want to. I didn't want to do anything. I know I decided to live. But I don't want to. I just feel obligated to. So I ignored her and tried to go back to sleep. Wake up from this nightmare.

    "Tobi" Alise whispered.

    I didn't even move. I didn't want to hear her. No matter how many times she would just say my name and I'd snap out of one of my tantrums. No matter how much I missed her voice. Even though the way that she said my name made it seem like no one else could say it right. No. It's not real. It's not her.

    "I love you, Tobi, please get up honey." She cooed.

    I winced.

    "You have to get up" she seemed so real.

    I could feel her grabbing my arm and tugging lightly at it. Her soft hands. Little fingers. Pleading me to get up. Haven't ever been able to say no to her. So I dragged myself to my feet. Slowly and carefully I climbed down from porch to porch until I was at ground level. Aching all over. Made my way back up to my apartment. Too burdened by my body, I crawled and dragged myself up each step. Finally at the end of the stairs, I reached for the rail and used whatever strength I had left to painfully drag myself to my feet. My knees shook and buckled and I kept hold of the rail as my lower half slipped down the top few steps. My head lolled about and found a place atop my hands. I struggled to catch my breath. I wanted to start screaming. I wanted to get home. I found my footing again and managed to prop myself against the wall. After what took much too long, I made it to my door. I opened the door and fell through and hit the floor. Slammed it with my feet and just stayed on the floor. Looked at the clock. 5:12 am Saturday. I'm not sure if I'll go to school Monday or not. I know I should. I also know everyone will be less than happy to see me. Not that I would care. I don't need school anyways. Other than for food I don't even need to leave my apartment. Or if I got a computer, I can just order food, clothes, book and whatever else. It would all come right to the door. But I--- Can't remember what I was thinking. I can't even remember how to think. Everything just went blank. Like there is nothing, and there never was anything. Just a foggy blank. I felt lost. Lost in my own apartment. Lost in my own body. Lost.

    I waited awhile, not sure what to do. I made my way to the couch and stared blankly at the unplugged TV. Lonely. Something else I've never felt. Punched me in the gut and made sure I knew it existed. "I miss you Alise" I crazed into the emptiness. "Oh, how I miss you already." My head throbbing. "But you're gone" I glared "You said you'd always be with me" I was almost in tears "You've just left me a mess of shattered glass." I poked all my new bruises. I was head to toe, yellow, purple, blue, green, and black. The couch seemed so soft I could just fall into it. So I did.

    When I woke up, I had energy, but everything still hurt. I went to the spare room. Swiped Albert Camus' L'étranger off the shelf, sat down. Reread it. About halfway through, I folded the corner of my page I was on. Closed the book and set it neatly atop one of the stacks of books. I pulled the cord to open the thick drapes. Leaned back in my chair and felt the sunlight wash over my face. The doorbell was ringing. No one should be at the door. What time is it anyway? Reluctantly I looked at the clock 12:23. The doorbell rang again. It was loud and annoying. But fascinating, because I don't believe that mine has ever rung. So against all better judgment I opened the door.

    She looked annoyed. Light brown hair. Grey eyes. Around my age. Skinny jeans, grey shirt and bright turquoise shoes. I didn't recognize her from anywhere. But that's not saying much, seeing as I don't know anyone. She reached in to her back pocket. I tried to slam the door but she shoved her foot in the way.

    "You left this on my porch Raggsdale." She handed me my state ID.

    "It's Tobi." I tried to grab it from her but she jerked her arm back.

    "Raggsdale sounds cooler, and before I just give it back to you, I want to know how it wound up on my porch." She emphasized the 'my'.

    "I dropped it" worst lie ever.

    "Right and when it dropped it somehow broke my moms favourite flower pot, got hand prints on the sliding glass door, and got plant remnants in your hair." As she plucked a root from my hair. That's when I realized I didn't shower or clean up at all when I got home.
"So" was the only thing I could come up with.

    "You know a girl a few days ago died that same way, I don't suggest giving this complex a bad reputation for that sort of thing." At the mention of Alise my hold on the door loosened and she shoved her way in.

    "Who are you?" I shut the door and carefully watched her to make sure she didn't touch anything. Her eyes bounced all over. Looking at everything like a mischievous, unattended child in a china store.

    "Rose Washburn" she turned facing me "So why'd you do it?"