Recovery-8

A few hours later I sat in bed poking and prodding at my forming bruises. The dull aching pain radiating from them was soothing. Reminding me of the world around me. Stopping me from slipping through the walls to my memories.

    But like termites my memories tore through the walls and took me. Engulfing me. In the thick choking darkness. It took me to all the places I didn't want. Showed me things I'd otherwise refuse to see. Screamed things I intentionally forgot. I was on the roof again. Watching from the sidelines. I feel her heart pounding in my chest. I feel her sore legs, running up the stairs as fast as she can. Feeling her emotions go into a whirlwind of worry and panic in the realization that something was wrong. I see her burst through the door and scream 'No!' I didn't even turn to glance at her.

    Look at her.

    Now.

    Damnit look at her!

    You idiot!

    You're killing her!

    Then I heard clearly what I couldn't remember before. Her final words. "I love you." That's when she grabbed me and pushed me back. Now's when she-

    No.

    I can't see it again.

    Not again.

    No.

    I quickly grab for my bruises. I force myself from that memory and back to reality. I thrashed and screamed in bed. I can't do this without her. I know that. I love her, and she loved me. That's all she ever did was just love me. I'm the idiot that overreacted at the first sign of her pulling away from me. When she made her new friend Joe. I thought it was the beginning of the end. That I was losing her to him. She was my whole world. Why would she leave? She wouldn't. She loved me.

    That should have been all I needed.

    I know what I'm going to do.

    My last day. I have to act okay so they'll let me go home. So when Dr. Melburne came I forced every word out of my mouth. I told him about Alise. I told him about the times we'd had. I told him that if given another chance I'd spend the rest of my days with her. That was the only lie I didn't tell him.

    After he left I sat up in bed numb from head to toe. I just waited till midnight. The first doctor I saw the clean-cut tall pretty boy, he signed me out. He suggested I call a cab. I ignored him and just walked home. I unlocked the door opened it and collapsed against the door slamming it shut and sunk to the floor. I couldn't look at it all. I just saw her. Everywhere. Her smile still lit up brighter than the lights in the ceiling. Her voice resonated and pounded in my head. I screamed angrily and grabbed my head.

    I can't.

    I stood up, but could barely keep my balance. I felt weighed down by sandbags. Dragging myself to the porch door using the walls for support. I grabbed and desperately worked the sliding door open. I stepped out on the porch. I could feel the old wood beneath my toes. The wind combing through my hair. I took in a deep breath. Lifted myself onto the railing. I stood there for a moment. Looking down I saw her final moments. I saw the faint red spot on the sidewalk where she landed. I felt something sharp on the bottoms of my feet. I looked down at the rail. I saw where we carved our initials. We did it after watching a movie where I saw this couple do it. I asked and Alise told me that a lot of couples do it. So I took her by the hand and carved away and the porch rail. Jokingly I changed her last initial to mine. We laughed about it. It wouldn't be just a joke if she were here now.

    But needless to say, she's not here.

    I started tearing up. I let it come though. I didn't want to fight it. I fixed me eyes back on the street below. The passing traffic. Saw my salty tears fall off from the tip of my nose. Disappear below out of sight. I felt like I was right back at Tuesday. I could almost feel her hands on me. Pushing me to live. She wanted me alive. That's not what I want though. Not anymore. I shuffled my feet so that I was barely teetering on the edge.

    As I let myself slip off though, a thought came to me.

    She would have died for nothing then.

    Thinking as fast as I could manage I turned and tried to grab onto the edge of my porch floor. I had it for only seconds but lost my grip. I started falling back first. So I decided to flail for something to grab onto with any part of me. I cracked my foot hard and loud on a porch rail a few floors down from mine. That sent me turning right into the building. Hit my head on something. Crashed into someone' porch and right in to their sliding glass door. Crumpling into a broken mess against the door. But alive.

    Everything hurt. I could hardly even think. My thoughts came to me in muddled grogs. I didn't even collect the energy to move. My stomach and face were pressed into the wood. My right arm was out of place and shot straight up against the door. My other arm was folded neatly and had my hand tucked under my forehead. My legs were tangled and stuck against my back.

    What seemed like a few lifetimes passed. I could finally think in faintly understandable reverberating vibrations that almost made sense. Finally bothering to move, I untwisted my legs and carefully moved them off my back. They popped and cracked throbbing in pain. I lazily flopped my arm down from the door. It thudded to the floor and stubbornly went back into place sending pain from my fingertips all the way up my neck.

    I curled up in a ball and couldn't help but pass out from pain.