Recovery-5

She rolled over on me so she was on her side, and buried her face in my chest. My heart started pounding. She was breathing right into my shirt. She didn't have her sweater dress on so she had no sleeves to ball up in her fists. I could tell she was missing it cause she tried grabbing the sleeves. Instead she latched onto my shirt. I froze from head to toe. I was itching to pry her hold on me. I wanted to panic. Leap up and run to the safety of my own room. I wanted to take her with me. This couch is so uncomfortable to sleep on. I was so tired.

    No.

    She's never been in my room.

    I've never slept in all the nights she's stayed.

    If we went to my room, she'd see it. I'd want to climb in bed and sleep. No. No. No.

    What's the worst that could happen though?

    Maybe it'd be alright. I was just so tired.

    Maybe…

    I suppose it wouldn't hurt anything. I mean I'm almost certain she means no harm…

    Sleeping with her around couldn't be that bad. Could it?

    Yes. Yes it could. No I can't show her. I'll just stay up.

    My stomach felt queasy. I needed to stop thinking and focus on the teli. One of the old black and white episodes of the twilight zone. Something about spiders. And I---


    I snapped out of my memories because someone knocked at the door. A loud confident almost obnoxious knock. I looked at the clock. 9:17. Oh great…

    I ignored the knocking.

    But it came again.

    And Again.

    Again.

    Then the door just opened anyways. Of course. Dr. Melburne. What am I to blame for today? Famine probably. He turned the chair away from the TV and towards me. Sat down. "Are we going to have a better day today Tobi?" he asked.

    He's already started using my name…

    So I just stayed curled up with her jacket didn't even lift my head.

    "Miss your friend yet?" So he'll use my name like it's the new trend but won't dare use hers?

    Nothing.

    "I'm sure you do. She was probably very nice." I wanted to scream her name and scream at his chubby annoying face that Alise's name isn't profane. "Tobi, I'm not going to leave if you just ignore me."

    Nothing.

    He sat up and tried to see what I was holding. "Was that your frie-"

    "Alise" I cut him off. He needed to actually say it. His ambiguity about it was making my skin crawl.

    "Was it her jacket?" You're kidding me. I even corrected him.

    Nothing.

    "I know it was. I heard about your fit over it when I asked the doctors how you've been so far. Would you mind if I saw it?" Yes I would mind.

    Nothing.

    "Are you hoping if you hold onto it tightly enough it'll be like having the real her here?"

    The big gaping hole feeling got bigger and worse. Like he was sticking his hand right through it and poking around. I closed my eyes as tight as I could and tried to pretend he wasn't here. I tried to replace his voice with Alise's sweet soothing voice.

    "Tobi?"

    It wasn't working.

    I need it to work.

    I can't do this.

    I need her.

    "Tobi…"

    No.

    Can't.

    Need.

    Alise.

    Badly.

    My throat went dry. My fingers went numb. My hands shook. My stomach vibrated with dry cries that I was fighting so hard to hold back. I took in a deep breathe to try and collect myself.

    "Tobi are you okay?" He pleaded for anything out of me.

    "I…I-I-I-I-i…ehh….n-n-n-o-h" I hopelessly babbled as everything broke free. Crying, sobbing, screaming to her jacket. My toes went hot and my stomach went numb. I was aware I was shaking head to toe, but not much else. My ears were roaring so I only heard a tiny click to signal that Dr. Melburne had left the room. I tried to bite down on my lip to stop and regain control of myself. But another scream barreled through my defense. I just couldn't stop. The door clicked again. I couldn't care less though. I don't want her gone.

    I don't want her gone.

    I don't.

    I really don't.

    This hurts too badly.

    I miss her so much.

    I stopped screaming and was just marginally crying now. I untangled my now white hands from the soaking wet jacket. Stretched my fingers till I got feeling back and dried, my eyes.

    I looked to see that Dr. Melburne had returned. Oh joy. We just stared each other down until he figured I was totally done with my fit. So I could talk to him properly. "What was Alise to you?"

    Well he used her name and not mine. I suppose I could answer. Though I had complaints about the question.

    "Mine."

    "Yours?" He sounded really confused.

    "Yes" one word Tobi just one word. It'll be all right. Imagining Alise tell me 'it'll be alright' just like she always would made me feel briefly and almost whole.

    "Your friend?" He tried to define 'mine'.

    "Mine."

    "Your what?" he was getting annoyed.

    "Mine." Maybe he'll give up and leave.

    "Tobi it'd help if you'd be cooperative."

    "No."

    "Can you use more than one word?" The appropriate question would be do I want to.

    "Yes."

    "Oh good, now tell me, your what?" I don't think he understood.

    "Mine."

    "You were in a relationship with this girl?" I sat up and looked at him. I grimaced. I hoped he'd just assume his option of 'my friend'. No instead he gets it right on. I guess it would have taken an idiot to miss what I meant. I just wish he hadn't said it aloud.

    "…Yes." The look on his face said I had a waterfall of questions coming.

    "How long were you with her?"

    "Year."

    "Why'd you two break up?" Because she died…

    "Leave."

    "What?" He asked.

    "Now. Leave, now."

    He lumbered out of his chair and opened the door. "See you tomorrow Tobi." It clicked shut.

    I wanted to sleep. I want time in here to pass as fast as possible. I don't know that I can ever look at any part of my apartment the same again. I already know I'll just see her everywhere. It's all my fault too. I hate myself so much. I'm just horrible.

    I decided to try and sleep some more.

    "I love you" I whispered. It tore me apart to say it. "Alise, I miss you" it hurt so badly, but I deserved every bit of it. After all it is all my fault she's gone and not coming back.
    I should quit thinking and sleep.
    I do need sleep.
    So I forced myself to sleep.