I miss you

again I hit the concrete floor as the realization that the I can't be with the one I love anymore

5:37 are…I look up to rainy morning sky as I puff out the remainder of my cigarette. A line from the song from Dreamtheater   says it’s raining deep in heaven…I paraphrase it; it’s raining deep in my heart. And I realize, as I stand here on the balcony on the 3^rd floor of the building where I work…I can’t be with you anymore…

I knew it was coming and now it’s here, the day that I can’t hold your hand anymore, do those simple things that made us laugh our hearts out. Those times we didn’t know where to go but still end the day with a big smile on our face and you beside me. The times you’d tease and force me to eat that green vegetable that tastes terrible and I hate so much. And in the times of adversity that I’d stand by you. I promised I will and still will…but things just kind of change.

I have to rely on the charity of people around me to stop thinking about this, but it all sinks in when I lie down alone in my room and stare at the ceiling. Loud metallic music doesn’t even help anymore. I don’t want to eat, and walking around aimlessly seems to have lost its therapeutic magic.

I love you…I really do, you are the reason why the smile has returned to my face, why I look forward to each and every day. Can there be really such a reason for everything? You are my reason but why do I have to suffer again and again???

Borrowed time, it all that I had, and all I have are bittersweet memories that will continue to haunt me again, adding to scars this heart and soul that have been bruised and battered through the years, and hear it is again. It’s like hell in a different way because hell is a cold place where all feelings die.

In the midst of a happy crowd, again I stand the empty soul with a fake smile. The music in me has died, the smile will be next and it will be so hard to keep strong when deep inside my world has crumbled apart.  Countless times I picked up the pieces my heart was broken into but may be this time, I’ll just let time blow away the pieces because I’ve been my soul is already tired of doing so.

 

                              I LOVE YOU…SIMPLE AS THAT

 

I’m going back to the balcony, another cigarette for me and the hurt continues…