i'll never touch anyone who doesn't burn me like the sun

fourth part

His voice is plagued with suspicion. He's going to ask, but it's useless. He knows. "Mags, you're not...Maggie!" He traces a burn, hidden along the curve of my arm. It's puckered red, and it screams when he brushes against it. I relish the pain. It's a reminder. For everything. "Madelena Thomas!" Automatic flinch. I hate my name. I wish it was Margaret. "Maggie, you know better-" The old Maggie bursts through, angry and hurt. "I know better?!" She spits fire and brimstone. "You have no right to lecture me on this!" She's surpassed me. "You weren't there." She says it through gritted teeth. Angry, uncooperative Maggie. The one that has to fight everything.

He seems dazed, the shock of my voice above a whisper must've done it. Then his face twists and sort of turns red. Something in me squirms in delight. She relishes fights, shouting matches in public places. "Just because I wasn't there doesn't mean I wasn't affected by Caroline's death." Something in me breaks at her name. My big sister. Dead, because of me. "Don't say her name." Old Maggie says it quiet, but I can feel her cold fury. Her quiet rage. "You lost that privilege." He didn't do anything, I remind her. Exactly, was all she said. It's best to not argue with her on that subject. "You have no right to-" "No right?!" His voice cracks at his own outrage. "I can talk about her too Maggie!" His gripping my scarred arm tighter, making it scream more. "She wasn't just yours, you know! Everyone lost her, not just you!" My head's swimming. Caroline. We were playing chicken on the highway. We thought we were invincible.  He didn't see her. She was looking at me.  Caroline? Oh my God. He's screaming in my face, we're in the hallway. But I'm looking right at her, her last second of life. On the freeway. A Tuesday afternoon. I wonder what she was thinking.

"Maggie!" He jerks me forward, burned arm forward. I forgot him. He's so mad at me. What did I do? "I have every right to keep someone I love from hurting herself." Oh yeah. I remember. He found my burns. "You can't do this to yourself!" Old Maggie perks back up. She hates being told what not to do. This is not going to end well. She always goes for the jugular. I internally cringe. "Oh, you shut your mouth." Even her voice sounds crueler than mine. "You care about me, really?" Uh-oh. I know where this is going. "And exactly how much did you love me when you were over that w***e?" I knew she would bring that up. Old news. Very old news. I'd forgotten about it. Old Maggie lives to keep grudges. That's why she never had many friends.