Self Imposed Damnation

Its another "force yourself to sit and write" deal. Please criticize.

Bred for the slaughter, 

The sinners and martyrs,

All fall on their own in the end.

Darkness surrounds you.

These walls let no sound through.

This emptiness, your only friend.

Now that you've seen this,

how bitter defeat is,

You still think you'd do it again?

As you lie broken,

I hope your eyes open,

To see the wounds that time can't mend.

Author's Note

Counting syllables sucks, almost as much as I suck at doing it.
still looking for tips, criticisms, comments, and other remarks.

Reviews

[Stammers]

I do like the feel; reads a little like lyrics, don't know if it was intentional.

I'm more of a free verse advocate so I am VERY bias, but maybe don't count the syllables AS you write, save it for a later draft? The images and the atmosphere your word choices make are very forceful; perhaps write in lines, as if you were writing prose, pick out what is worth keeping and tailor into a structure later?

You do seem like a very natural writer.

[Roe]

Dark poem, great flow, very good write.

[Mockingbird]

dark and foreboding. i like the imagery and it really does justice to the title. you form is just fine. you should just write however you feel and not restrict yourself to rules, etc.

[Monstrositee]

thanks :)

[Emily Rae]

This is ruthless and powerful! Most of the poems that I've read, that are based on syllable form, seem to loose their meaning; that is not true for this piece. Great work.