Here I Sit

Bang, bang, bang. I pound my fist until it is bloody against the wall in front of me. Red droplets run down my hand and splatter against the tile. Oh how I wish my mind would follow suit. Being trapped within myself living with no resemblance to my old life. I punch and yell and cry and scream yet the wall holds still around me. Locked in my own body with no one to free me. I knew what was happening and could only watch as the walls grew bigger around my mind. Locking it into place where I did not want it to be. Watching the skeleton hand of my old life turn the key and lock me into place was the worst feeling. The first time this happened it was so gradual that it was as slow as the earth turning. I could never feel but knew it had to be happening. It was as if I sat fell asleep in a car and someone had locked the doors without my knowledge. I scraped and clawed at the doors until one day long into the future where I had almost wasted away to nothing I broke the lock and freed myself. This time was a whole other story in and of itself. This one I saw everything as it sped past me. I felt as I was shoved into the box and saw the death attached to the hand that turned the key until the lock clicked into place. Smelt the mildew and dampness that permeated the air all around me. Saw the white bones of innocence; forgotten and wasted, strewn around. The crack of my heart was the last sound I heard before everything was tuned out. Day in, Day out. I watched unable to think, unable to move, unable. The chemicals that made up my brain were out of order and most days I wished they would become deadly so I could leave the horror of being a shell.

                     ~

 

A sliver so slight that if you weren’t desperate for light you wouldn’t have noticed it appeared. After all the time in the darkness I didn’t understand how to understand the light. It was so slight you could only see a few dust particles but it was so foreign to me. The light festered and burned as all things do in the dark. The light tried to clean the infection of my soul before it itself was turned rotten. And just like that the light joined the darkness. Once the darkness has chosen you there is no escape. 

                 ~

Here I sit. Days, weeks, months, years later. My bones no longer white but yellowed with time. Cracked from the long abuse. I join the bones of the innocence except mine are cast aside because I am far from innocent. I am surprised my bones aren’t black. The shell of myself lives on but inside this box I have long since suffocated. My blood ran dry eons ago. The splatters along the floor turned to dust and drifted away.